Some perspective

This morning, one of the folks on my team at work called me to ask what the bereavement policy is.  I said I’d be happy to look it up and send it over asap…and was there anything I could do?
My colleague choked on tears, telling me his son died in the night.

How or why doesn’t matter, does it? Yesterday his son was alive; today his son is gone.

That’s some heavy weight to start the day. Wow.

I share this because it gave me a little perspective on some things I’d been perceiving as “problems.”  Pfffft.  What problems? My loved ones are alive and well today, so what problems, really?  By comparison, everything on my plate can be overcome or endured or fixed.

I forget sometimes that my “troubles” are often really a blessing of sorts: I’m alive to complain about other people who are alive, and while they may not be doing what I envisioned of them, they are alive…alive to try again, do over, grow.  Yeah.  Deep breath in and a deep breath outttttttt.

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Would you accept the invitation?

I have been having a rough time lately…the usual kinds of challenges that we all face personally and professionally, but the challenges feel amplified by the holidays. I asked the Universe to give me a break, to cut me some slack please pleeeeeease.

I received an invitation out of the blue…an invitation to dance. I don’t dance! I am a mosh pit brawler, but I am not a dancer. I am clumsy. I felt embarrassed just reading the invitation, and I was thissssclose to sending my regrets that I couldn’t attend.

I paused, thinking this was such an unusual invitation. Had I ever in my life been invited to a dance outside of high school? I couldn’t remember ever receiving such an invitation. Maybe the Universe was trying to give me an opportunity to feel differently this holiday season by doing something different?

I deleted my regrets, and replied that I didn’t know how to do the dances, but that I would be willing to give it a go. I hit send before I could chicken out.

The venue was a stone manor built in the 1920’s. It looks like a castle. Inside there are large stone fireplaces, high ceilings, chandeliers, and a ballroom. I found myself standing in that ballroom, a Cinderella with two left feet, and I considered excusing myself under the guise of a restroom visit to run away before the festivities started. I talked myself into staying.

The waltz. I stepped on my partner’s feet. I laughed. I stepped on his feet some more and laughed a lot, some of it nervous and some of the laughter the glee of a kid with a new toy…and then for a few gorgeous minutes, I got it. I was waltzing, waltzing until I was dizzy!

The English country dances. I didn’t know any of the lingo when we started, but I soon caught on well enough to follow along for most of the dances. I wasn’t graceful or elegant, but I was delighted. I had a different partner for every dance, and every partner taught me something I didn’t know, every partner gracious and forgiving of my newbie status.

The hours passed in a flash. I haven’t laughed so much in a long time, and I haven’t been so challenged by trying some completely foreign in a long time.

Later in bed, I realized in all those hours under the chandeliers, I hadn’t given my troubles a single thought. My previously tight, tense shoulders were relaxed. The Universe had given me a break and cut me some slack, granting me a fabulous day that I would long remember.

Would you have accepted the invitation to the dance, or the equivalent, that popped up out of nowhere? I am glad I did.

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Coffee Nirvana

I had this pumpkin spice coffee lurking around my cabinets.
I had this salted caramel creamer lurking around the fridge.
There’s a lot of lurking happening in my kitchen on any given day.
I put the two together.
Omg.
Yeah.
I think about all the years I’ve wasted not putting these two together, all the empty space where I was just drinking plain ol’ coffee.
But now I know, and I can’t un-know, the amazingness.
This is, perhaps, a bigger revelation than dumping the Bailey’s Chocolate Cherry in my iced coffee last week.
You’re welcome.

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Good things

It’s not all as craptacular and heavy as it feels. There’s good stuff happening that I need to notice.
1. I had a crazy great phone call that almost sounded like they were trying to create a job just for me. That was awesome. Let’s see how that shapes up.
2. I had a good class last night. Candles, crystals, and chucking the new year’s resolutions idea right out the window.
3. That kiddo of mine is making me so proud with her progress. She’s a motivated, driven, smart young woman, and she is kicking ass.
4. I’ve had a nice little back and forth chat with someone from elementary school days. Connection and catching up always feels good to me for I am the cruise director on this mofo. Even die-hard introverts like me crave connection.
5. I woke up early and got more shizz done by 7:30 AM than most will do all day. Documents completed and sent, meditation, updates done to my website, laundry, dishes, snuggles with a pup, and even an early morning meeting.

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Denial

I think I’m still in denial over how recent events have panned out. I’ve checked my email, my snail mail, my text messages, my blog comments, my old email account, and everywhere else that I can think to check for a new answer. I want to shake the Magic 8 Ball until I see an answer I like.

Tomorrow, I’ll check all those portals of rejection one more time…and then maybe the day after, I can spackle the bits of my soul back together one more time and face the world.

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Connection

I’ve been struggling a little to stay grounded, focused.

I need connection, real connection. I don’t need the artifice of a guided group meditation: I need someone to talk to late at night when we’ve dropped our guard. I don’t need the mass consumerism that is the mayhem of this time of year: I need someone to talk to over morning coffee sometimes…”what would you do if you didn’t have to work” conversations, where would you go, what do you dream of doing differently if you could reinvent your life, “can we just stay in bed all day” conversations.

I don’t believe we need other people to complete us. We are whole, or at least we should be whole, all on our own. After doing all the work to get whole and glue all my mental and emotional bits and pieces back together, I want the other stuff. I want private jokes and someone who gets me…and I want a lot of it. I don’t want to be anybody’s (stealing a Stevie Wonder song here) part time lover anymore. I used to be okay with the part time thing because I had other things going on that needed my attention, but I’m not feeling okay with it anymore.

It’s okay to want connection. It’s okay for me not to settle for less. I want the whole shebang.

But.

What if I don’t get it?

I’ll be okay because I’ve toughed it out through much worse, but I still want it. I’ll be fine because I am strong and I’ve done the work on myself…hell, I’m still doing the work on myself; forgiveness meditations are my jam. I’ll be whole, and I’ll be just fine, but it’s absolutely okay to want the icing to go on my cake. I want the icing!

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wellllll, that didn’t go well

Took a big ol’ huge monumental epic risk, oh yes, I did.  Didn’t pan out.

And.

Ouchhhhhhhhh. Fell flat on my face, flat on my ass. Came up empty handed.

2016 has been the year of the bruised and beaten ego, that is for damn sure. Personally and professionally, it’s been a non-stop action-packed kick in the teeth. Life is not boring, that’s for damn sure, but I could use a big win soon.

So here’s a song that every time I listen, it reminds me of traipsing through the streets of New Orleans, and that’s just divine:

If you’re a person of prayer or blessing or lighting a candle or some incense, do that for me. I could use a little strength in numbers right now.

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TGIF, yo

I am having a tiny breakdown on a Friday, just a momentary hitch in my giddyup, so here are some positive truths to lay on ya as I work to get my head right again:

  1. I don’t EVER regret showing someone love and kindness.  Their dumbassery is a reflection on them, not me.  I give the love and kindness at every chance I get.
  2. Iced coffee, splash of milk of your choice, and then Bailey’s chocolate cherry.  You’re welcome.
  3. I am incredibly forgiving.  (If I won’t forgive you, it’s not about me.  It’s about you, really.)
  4. See number 2.
  5. Looking for work is emotionally draining but the only way to get a different outcome is to try something different.  Yep.  So I am…and all the “no thank you”s I’m getting are surely leading the way to the right option…right?! RIGHT?! Yeah.  I need a pep talk today.
  6. See number 2.

Happy Friday.  May your weekend be full of rest, relaxation, laughter, and love…and see item number two on that list.

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I should be asleep

But instead I’m doing that thing where I obsess over song lyrics.

“All is lost again
But I’m not giving in
I will not bow
I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall
I will not fade
I will take your breath away”

That’s some Breaking Benjamin.

It’s a new moon and a good time to reset my focus. I’m taking risks, and y’know, being a damn idiot…but carpe diem.

If I don’t get what I want, it will never, ever be for lack of trying. I will say the words, try a different route, rip it apart to rebuild anew…but I will try. I will not collect dust…I will take your breath away.

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hmmm, i might regret that later…

I thought and thought and thought about putting something “out there” and being really open about something…and in typical Kat fashion, I put it out there.  It’s out there.  Shit.  Can’t take it back.

Being vulnerable and being open sometimes makes me panic.  I think it’s incredibly important to be real and be honest, but it still scares me to bravely put my thoughts and feelings out for a situation when I’m not sure how it will be received.

What I put out there won’t be “revealed” to this other party for a few days, so I have several days to pace and sweat and fret…I guess the fretting comes in when I think I might feel hurt or embarrassed by how it is received.  I don’t like getting my feelings hurt, but with that said, I also don’t want to be afraid to speak up.  I needed to speak up.  Something was bothering me, nagging at me, waking me up at night sometimes…so I needed to speak up.

Be brave.  Speak your truth.  It’s better to know the answers than to live in doubt.  Yeah, it’s scary to take these risks, but to me, it’s so much scarier to have not spoken up for myself.  Root for me, cheer for me…and catch me when I fall.

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