Tag Archives | love

The Realness

Every time I lose a friend to the Reaper’s scythe, I lose a layer in the walls I put up. I become more real, more open. That is the gift from these losses: the realness, my realness.

The realness is not always comfortable for others; I get that. You were not at all prepared for me to tell you in person over your soup and sandwich earnestly that really, truly, all is forgiven, and that every single day, you are loved. Every single day: believe it.

I won’t ever be ashamed of being real. There’s no shame in giving others love, in telling them they are important.

The rules you toss around…”it’s too soon to tell me that” or “it’s too late to say that to me” or “you can’t say that…” Screw the rules. I will tell you what I want you to know, what I need you to know, and I give zero fucks about the rules that dictate what I “should” say or do.

I will not regret giving love. There is no remorse in being kind.

I can only offer you my love; I can’t make you return it. I can only offer you my hand; I can’t make you take it. As long as it is true, I will offer it, unflinching.

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On Second Thought…and Thoughts on Who I Miss

…nah. Not a bad person on that date, just missing a key ingredient that I’ll call “fire.”

I don’t mean “spark” or “chemistry.” For me, spark and chemistry come from intelligence and humor. Smart and funny were present.

I mean fire. I mean a passion to just enjoy the hell out of life. My favorite people, lovers and friends, all want to raise a glass to that gorgeous sunset or sunrise, notice the details, enjoy the moment.  My tribe gets excited about whatever makes them happy.  Maybe I misunderstood, but I sure got the feeling that this person wouldn’t want to “waste” a special occasion on a new person, while I approach life with the idea that every day, every moment, is a special occasion.

So.  Next?

It’s no giant secret that I miss an ex of mine so fiercely that I can hardly stand people who aren’t him.  I know that’s a wound that time will heal eventually, but it is that perpetual elephant always lurking in the room.  I was so open and so brave in that relationship, and I thought we could get through anything together.  I believed in happily ever after.  I’ve wanted him back since the moment we parted ways.  I’ve worked on it, grieved, made peace with it 150 times over, but I miss him.  

Tell him? He knows.  Loving someone enough to let them go is gut wrenching.  If I am not his happy place, let it be known I loved him enough then and love him enough now to want him to be happy. I bow my head, make a wish to love like that again, and keep on keepin’ on.

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What Would My Personal Ad Say?

I haven’t gotten to the point of placing a personal ad, but I’ve considered it.

What would mine say?

Reclusive Introvert Seeks Independent Beau Who Will Mostly Go Away; Preference Given to Men Who Live Far Away, Work Really Long Hours, and/or Train for Marathons.

Pet Mom Seeks Dude Who Will Make Me Laugh Until I Snort Soda Out My Nose.

Halloween Should Be All Year Round; Message Me If You Agree!

Alpha Female; Delicate Souls Need Not Apply. Seriously. I Will Crush Your Spirit.

Here’s My Number, But, Like, Don’t Call Me; I Don’t Use My Phone For That.

I dunno.  I guess I shy away from all that personal ad business because I’m just not sure the people I adore could be summarized in 50 words or less.  I wouldn’t have picked them based on only their hobbies or their line of work.  I’m also highly dubious about selecting people like you would food off a menu.

I like road trips and great food and laughing, but, man, I gotta be by myself often so I don’t flip out.  I’m not one of those people who gets all immersed in coupledom; doesn’t mean I’m not interested or not incredibly loyal, I’m just not cut out to be joined at the hip with anyone 24/7.

Sigh.  Let’s see how the year shakes out.

 

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Well.

I’d like to write something here about romantic love, but it’s hard for me to dive in. It makes me think of earthquakes and lightning and the fires of the very bowels of Hell.

I don’t truly get romantic love, how it should be, how it works, why it’s such a clusterfuck? What I do know is that Every Single Time in my adult life (yes, Every Single Time in caps) that I’ve thought things were deliciously good and we had similar goals and wanted the same things…haha, guess what? I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Here’s something I’ve observed. I’m very driven in my life to improve myself, to learn new things, to grow constantly…so almost by default, my significant other begins to work on improvements, and I encourage it. I encourage applying for jobs that seem out of reach. I encourage reaching for the goals that seems intimidating. I applaud it! And then…they grow on outta here with zip zero zilch loyalty to me…and I’m like, well, fuck.

I don’t require a man to live a delightful life: this I know for sure. But I enjoy having a partner, a significant other, a love. I would like a consistent partner, y’know, as advertised in the brochure, someone as fiercely loyal to me and in it for the long-term haul as I am for them. Someone who is not a ginormous wuss, because I just can’t deal with men who are intimidated by me. Someone who will show up for me again and again. Is that crazy? Is it non-existent? It’s beginning to feel non-existent, and that’s disappointing, because I’ve believed in this possibility for so long.

I don’t believe in Prince Charming. I don’t believe in perfection. I believe in love, loyalty, friendship, and a mutual commitment…and apparently, that’s right up there with believing in Santa Claus, Tooth Fairies, and chupacabra.

I sort of imagined by this point in life, I’d know who’d be by my side at my kiddo’s graduation, who’d see me through empty nesting in a few years. I know sometimes the Universe makes us wait, because something better is coming? I am frustrated by the wait sometimes. I want that totally bullshit silly “Every Kiss Begins With Kay Jewelry” kind of woo. I want to be adored by the one I adore. Flowers. Romance.

I won’t bore you with the specifics of how things keep playing out, but I just want to say that I want the woo. I want a smart and funny man who wants to live life to its breadth and depth, who’ll kiss me like it’s his job, who is as proud of me as I am of him. I want a loyalty as true as mine. I hope this man exists outside the confines of these words and my mind.

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I Love You

A dear friend of mine lost three of her family members in a single accident. It’s hard to get my head around this.

I sat my kiddo down when I heard the news. “You know I love you, right?” She nodded and I continued, “Even when I’m a jerk, even when you’re a jerk, I love you every day, all day long, okay?”

…And so this is for all of you: my family, my friends, my friends who are family, my great loves past, present, and future, and even to those from all categories who’ve already left this life. I love you.

I love you on the days we gather to celebrate, and I love you on the days when we gather to mourn. I love you when you’re being an asshole and can’t decide what you want for dinner. I love you when I’m being a jackass and want to eat peanut butter out of the jar.

I love you when I like your posts on Facebook. I still love you when I haven’t been on Facebook for a while. I love you when you remember Halloween is my favorite time of year, and I love you when I tolerate your excitement over snow and eggnog.

I love you when you text me stupid things to make me laugh. I love you when I forget to text you back. I love you when we have adventures. I love you when I’m antisocial and want to be left the hell alone.

I love you even when I haven’t seen you in a long time, even a really long time. I love you when I send you snail mail. I love you when I forget to mail the card.

I love you when you don’t know what to say. I love you every time you say the most perfect thing, and even when you’re eating crow.

I love you for letting me have the apple butter…all the apple butter. I love you for showing up when you say you will. I love you because you don’t get flustered when I want to drive everywhere we go.

I love you for bringing me coffee at work. I love you for your innuendos. I love you for your character. I love you for accepting my weirdness without flinching.

I love you for hugging me even on days when hugs freakin’ creep me out. I love you for knowing when it’s a terrible idea to try to hug me.

I love you for sharing music with me. I love you for sharing books with me. I love you even when your books and music totally suck.

I love you for sharing secrets with me. I love you even though you think I don’t know all your secrets…but I do, and I’m still here.

I love you because we laugh together. I love you because you quote song lyrics and movies right along with me. I love you when we make crafts, food, and messes together.

I love you for taking care of me when I’m too stubborn to ask for help. I love you for letting me take care of you, for letting me buy your coffee sometimes.

I love you when you do stupid things. I love you when you should know better. I love you when I’m rolling my eyes at the dumbest joke I’ve ever heard.

I love you when you achieve your goals. I love you when you fall flat on your face. I love you for encouraging me. I love you for supporting me even when I’ve been an idiot.

I love you when you don’t love yourself. I love you on your bad hair days. I love you on my bad hair days, and there are a lot of those.

Every day. All day. Cliché? Yeah, maybe. You are part of the shiny strands that are woven together to make up the wild and beautiful spider web of my life. Thank you.

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The Courage to Start (Again)

treadmill

I started back on the treadmill recently with one of those couch to 5K apps.  After the severity of my last ankle injury, I’ve been hesitant to start over…because that’s what it was: starting over from zero.  I’ve started from zero about a zillion times where exercise is concerned because I’ve broken, sprained, strained, pulled, bruised and re-broken just about everything possible as an adult.  It’s hard to find the courage to start over again, because going into it, you know it’s going to be hard, it’s going to hurt, and there may be more than a few failures along the way to success.

Whether you’re talking about exercise, forgiveness, school, career or anything else, starting over is hard, but all you have to do is start.  Start where you are with what you have.  In my case, I was starting out of shape (well, round IS a shape, and lumpy is kind of a shape) and in the only pair of sneakers that had shoelaces remaining in them after the puppy went on a shoe-eating spree.   I won’t lie: day one sucked…SUCKED.  Every injury of the last twenty years from head to toe was announcing its presence, and my lungs were on fire.

Let’s be real: my work is sedentary, so there was never going to be some magical fit day that I could lace up my sneakers and be a gym ninja on my first try.  This was going to take work, and better to start now than on some vague day in the future.  Yep, I’ve finished countless 5Ks and 8Ks and even a triathlon, but nothing since the last big injury, and I was starting to feel restless.

We all need some inspiration and some encouragement to get us going in the right direction.  I found my inspiration in an unlikely place, a friend from elementary school who has gone from over a decade of sedentary life to being annoyingly fit in the last year or so.  Like, you run into them and the first thing you think after sucking in your own gut is “Dammit, when did this fit crap happen?”  We’re the same age, so screw it; I will not be bested by my elementary school classmates.  He inspired me (thank you), and thus I named my new gym endeavor “Oh For Fuck’s Sake: If My Homeboy Can Do This Shit So Can I.”  So far, so good.

I have a long damn way to go before I get back to what I consider reasonably fit and strong.  I’d like to get back to crossfit in 2015, but I’ve got to pace myself carefully to get back to that level.  Rushing into it would be a recipe for failure, injury, and 20 gallons of Ben and Jerry’s.  Know yourself, your pace, and don’t compare your journey to anyone else’s.

Start where you are: that’s all you can do.  Whatever it is that you need to face: a broken heart, addiction, exercise, job hunting, learning a new language, grief, giving up gluten, writing a book…whatever it is, large or small, all you can do is start where you are today.

There’s no magical way to fast forward through the hard parts.  There are no legitimate shortcuts.  If there were legit shortcuts, we’d all be super sexy multilingual salad-eating marathon-running supermodels happily married to gorgeous significant others while working soul-satisfying jobs, sleeping 9 hours a night, and teaching our dogs to use the toilet, put the seat down and flush.  There are no shortcuts to health, to healing, to happiness…no shortcuts to anything worth having.

There are no valid excuses.  People with no legs finish marathons.  The broken-hearted love again.  There is life to savor after grief.  To get there from here, you have to make the choice to start, no matter how simply.  Find your sneakers.  Delete your ex-boyfriend’s phone number from your phone.  Plant a tree.  Start. Start, and then perhaps you’ll be someone else’s inspiration, no matter how unintentional, but start. miracle

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I Believe

 

I believe in saying what I feel. Candor isn’t always received well, but I’d rather be open about what I feel than be misunderstood. Our time is too short to be misunderstood.

I believe in loving openly. I don’t give a damn if you love, or even like, my friends: I love them for their beautiful qualities and their beautiful mistakes.

I believe in screwing up. I make mistakes, sometimes huge ones, but it means I’m doing something, trying to move forward. I know others will screw up, too, because we’re human, and we’re all doing what we think is right with the tools we have in the moment.

I believe in forgiving. Perhaps I’m too forgiving, but it’s really hard for me to deep-down-to-my-core believe that the people in my world are willfully malicious. Yeah, some people are just plain mean, but most aren’t.

I believe in cutting ties. Sounds opposite of the forgiving, but I don’t think it is. There are some people that are not a good fit in our lives, toxic, that need to go. It doesn’t mean I hate anyone; it just means I love myself enough to know some folks are not part of my tribe, and I wish them well. When we cut ties, it frees those people, too, to find where they belong.

I believe in getting mad. That’s not contrary to the forgiving mindset above. I believe in digging in and really feeling what you feel, even if you feel furious, so you can move on with things.

I believe in laughter. I love to laugh so hard my belly hurts, my face hurts. Joy is glorious and contagious.

I believe in trying again. Sometimes I get mad and stay mad…and need to have another go at that forgiveness thing. I sometimes need to try again to really embrace my own feelings instead of denying them. I am imperfect but striving only to be the best me I can be on any given day.

I believe in endless warm mugs on cold days, vacations in hammocks, reading, writing, super dark chocolate, bubble baths, naps, and enjoying the journey we’re on.

Here’s a song called “I Believe” from Tears for Fears, because I also believe in music. Every life should have a soundtrack.

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gabriel

This week’s woowoo, among other things, involves archangel meditations. Today’s meditation was to invoke the guidance of archangel Gabriel to speak that which must be said in order to release it to make room for the positive. All day long, I gave thought to what I have not said.
I meditated in a hot bath, and I came up with some things that maybe I have said, maybe I haven’t said, but if I say (write) them today, perhaps I can let go of the burden entirely.

Here’s the deal. I got screwed over this year. I let myself get screwed over in the name of love and forgiveness. In the spirit of forgiveness, I gave time, support, love, and money…and I got back jack shit, unless you count a world of hurt as a prize. I knew better, but dammit, I am the eternal romantic, and like Agent Mulder, I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe there was still some speck of love in this person’s heart, even though I knew logically that there was nothing there for me other than ice, so I absolutely did this to myself. Logic and emotion don’t always show up at the same time. So today, I forgive myself for willfully wearing blinders. I’m going to stop kicking myself over this because I know my heart was in the right place despite my idiotic choices. My intentions were good, and that’s good enough.

Making peace with my mistakes is important so I can make room for new love. Letting go of old hurts is essential so I am showing up whole, not as the walking wounded: distrustful, afraid. These efforts are to free me to do what I do best: love unabashedly, and I really do love fiercely from my soul outward. The hope is that my willingness to be loyal, kind, and loving will be returned to me consistently at long last. I don’t care about money or material things much at all, but I’d go the whole wide world for a steadfast love that is as reliable as the sunrise.

Thanks to meditations with archangel Gabriel for helping me speak my mind today, for help unchaining me.

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Autumn Equinox

It’s 1 AM in the wee hours after the autumnal equinox, the perfect balance of daylight and darkness.  I fall into my rhythm this time of year, hit my stride.  Screw January for new beginnings; my rebirth is when the first hint of chill hits the air, summer yielding its power, relenting to cool nights, blankets on the couch, overflowing words.

I should be asleep, but what am I doing? I’m up streaming some YouTube videos, awestruck by talent.  Inspired.  Moved.  Thinking on what collaborations, what genius can come when one creative spirit crashes into another and sparks fly.  Late nights with blankets and winding conversations and empty shot glasses set my muse free.

Inspire me.  Let me tell your story thirty-five different ways.  Let me tell the truth; let me tell a lie.

And let me inspire you.  Move forward.  Smile.  Be happy.  Trust me.  Don’t waste a day, a moment-when I turn away, call my bluff, because I will sure as hell call yours.  Create create create, and share it with the world for free or for pay but don’t ever stop again…keep going, inspire me.

As the leaves start to turn, I feel the possibilities on the wind…something magical with wild potential just around the corner.  I don’t want to figure you out; I just want laughter, words, and for your music to play on.

 

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some words to live by

give love.

receive love.

notice the good stuff even on bad days.

give love.

receive love.

give thanks often.

give love.

receive love.

be generous with what you have, even if all you have to give is a hug.

repeat as needed.

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