Category: deep stuff

I Believe

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I believe in saying what I feel. Candor isn’t always received well, but I’d rather be open about what I feel than be misunderstood. Our time is too short to be misunderstood.

I believe in loving openly. I don’t give a damn if you love, or even like, my friends: I love them for their beautiful qualities and their beautiful mistakes.

I believe in screwing up. I make mistakes, sometimes huge ones, but it means I’m doing something, trying to move forward. I know others will screw up, too, because we’re human, and we’re all doing what we think is right with the tools we have in the moment.

I believe in forgiving. Perhaps I’m too forgiving, but it’s really hard for me to deep-down-to-my-core believe that the people in my world are willfully malicious. Yeah, some people are just plain mean, but most aren’t.

I believe in cutting ties. Sounds opposite of the forgiving, but I don’t think it is. There are some people that are not a good fit in our lives, toxic, that need to go. It doesn’t mean I hate anyone; it just means I love myself enough to know some folks are not part of my tribe, and I wish them well. When we cut ties, it frees those people, too, to find where they belong.

I believe in getting mad. That’s not contrary to the forgiving mindset above. I believe in digging in and really feeling what you feel, even if you feel furious, so you can move on with things.

I believe in laughter. I love to laugh so hard my belly hurts, my face hurts. Joy is glorious and contagious.

I believe in trying again. Sometimes I get mad and stay mad…and need to have another go at that forgiveness thing. I sometimes need to try again to really embrace my own feelings instead of denying them. I am imperfect but striving only to be the best me I can be on any given day.

I believe in endless warm mugs on cold days, vacations in hammocks, reading, writing, super dark chocolate, bubble baths, naps, and enjoying the journey we’re on.

Here’s a song called “I Believe” from Tears for Fears, because I also believe in music. Every life should have a soundtrack.

proof

i was right. i got my proof that there is no happily ever after, just rage and hurt.

if i show up as human, tired, fallible, direct, and more than a little broken…the world falls apart, just like that. poof. done.

it’s not fair. a double standard. i want to be taken care of when i am broken, but it doesn’t work that way. instead of “hey, you are totallyyyyy not yourself this week, how do i help you,” i get “fuck you.”

i try hard. i am damaged, rough around the edges, but i give my time and my love until i’m exhausted. i give all i have, and recognize my many imperfections and weaknesses. somehow, all i have manages to fall short each and every time.

i guess i didn’t need proof that there is no happily ever after. i’ve known it all along. it still hurts like hell.

old wounds and other stupid shit

it’s funny…and not funny…how the patterns repeat in life. i have worked hard to make progress, to not be an (incredibly) angry person, to love instead of shoving people out. in all that progress, i would like to think i’d moved forward, but sometimes it just seems like i’m still in the same spot i was in 20 years ago, 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 3 years, 1 year.

i pick at old wounds of the spirit, pick pick pick. revisit. think. pick pick pick. bleed. wonder why it hurts and feels raw, pick pick pick.

i get restless. pick pick pick.

i wanted a pretty normal kind of life, and by normal, i really do mean that i wanted a heap of the stereotypical stuff. i wanted a faithful husband whose devotion to our relationship and family would be unwavering; he would put in the work toward keeping love alive, even during the hard times, just the same as i would. i still believe in that stereotype, though few others do.

i’ve been laughed at when i mentioned marriage to those I wasted years with. i’ve been laughed at by new boyfriends that thought they were so clever in their mockery of boring old commitment.

pick pick pick.

when did building a life together fall out of fashion?

pick pick pick.

i often think these sore spots are healed, gone, but they are just waiting for me to notice them, and overthink them, and pick pick pick.

i was thinking today how my last long term boyfriend steadfastly avoided sharing my photo on facebook, and i was thinking about how it still bothers me today, unresolved, will never ever be resolved. and my last short term boyfriend, same deal. neither wanted to even change their silly (but not silly) relationship status on social media to reflect my place in their life, didn’t want to tell the world i was important. keeping the options open. pick pick pick.

i have no neat and tidy way to wrap up this oversharing. i look forward to a day when the patterns break, when the old wounds really have healed over.

Ever a work in progress

There are days that will not be perfect, and in my book, it’s ok to acknowledge when things are sucky or less than what you want, but it’s critical to shake it off and focus on what you do want.  Give the most energy to where you want to go, not where you’ve been. 

One of the most important things to remember, and I remind myself constantly, and I remind my poor eye-rolling teenager constantly, is that we have zero control over the behavior of others.  All we can do is set our boundaries for what works for us and be the best we know how to be; we can’t change how people around us act, can’t change what they will do or say.  I am ever a work in progress on that point, forever trying to relinquish control over the universe.  It’s hard to let go of the outcomes for other people, especially if their outcomes overlap with your own.

 
This weekend, I gave up a little of my white knuckle control, and look what happened: the Bee Gees keep reappearing. It’s bizarre. And it’s delightful. Let go.

Low Down

I have a hard time articulating pain, like that low down, punched in the proverbial gut while the rug is yanked out from under me kind of pain. The kind of pain that is tinged with shame or embarrassment. The kind that would send me to bed with the covers over my head for five days straight if I indulged in that sort of wallowing.

Instead, I tend to suck it all up. Say nothing. No comment. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m FINE. Let’s focus on the task at hand because I am fucking fine.

And for a while, I will be fine. I can fake fine until the cows come home. Stoic. Solid. Determined. Work long hours. Keep myself busy. I am fine.

Eventually, I’ll snap. Sometimes I snap in baby steps: I get suddenly sick and can’t shake it no matter how much Emergen-C I consume. Or I blow up at the drop of hat, a screaming banshee straight from the mouth of hell to make damn sure everyone in a three mile radius is well aware I’ve had enough enough ENOUGH of this.

I’m working on coming to terms with all of this. I am a work in progress. I’m fine.

“the world doesn’t like hearing negative things”

My mystery guest says I should post a nice blog today because “the world doesn’t like hearing negative things.”

OK.

It’s November and my Facebook feed is filled with people doing the daily gratitude statuses. I usually don’t play along with that, because I try hard to be grateful on a daily basis, not just one time each year…but today, I will be grateful right here.

I am grateful for…

…these crazy pets. Even though they get fur on everything and wrestle non-stop and stomp on my face when I’m napping, they’re pretty awesome. There’s a lotta love.

…my kiddo. Teenage kiddo can sure push my buttons when she wants, but for the most part, she’s a good kid, a kind person, and I’m proud of who she’s growing up to be.

…my friends. You’re a tolerant bunch of mofos to deal with my introverted disappearing acts and still love me when I finally reappear.

…my family. Ya’ll know I’m a pain in the ass and still invite me to dinner anyway.

…my job. This is a tough one, because a lot of days I feel like I’m selling a piece of my soul, but I am grateful for work, insurance, paychecks and to work in the company of some really neat people.

…this mystery guest. I laugh a whole lot more than I’ve laughed in years in the company of this mystery guest. An abundance of hugs and laughing until my face hurts is such a good way to spend time.

…this blog, and my other blog, and places I’ve been published. Writing has kept me from going Hulk Smash on any number of citizens, and it’s been a place to both turn loose of the heaviest sadness and welcome in waves of love.

…for love. I don’t always mean “romance” when I say love; sometimes I just mean the love that surrounds us everyday if we’re looking for it. I am grateful for the unconditional love of friends, family, and fur friends, but also for the love that near-strangers are willing to give. I have a Facebook friend that I’ve never met in person, but she emailed me on Halloween morning to wish me a great day, knowing it’s my favorite day of the year…and that kind of sweetness and caring is the special stuff that can change the world, folks.

surround yourself…

surround yourself with…
…people who inspire your creativity–they make you laugh, they give you love, they make you think & dream outside the box;

…furniture suitable for really using–if you can’t nap on your couch, drink red wine on it, snuggle with a dog and a blanket on it, or watch back to back scary movies on it comfortably, my advice is to just set it on fire.

…stuff that makes you happy–your stuff, your belongings: if it doesn’t delight you or evoke cozy, good vibes, get rid of it.

…love. lots and lots of love is critical. give love, but be open to receiving love.

…music and books that abso-freakin-lutely thrill you–listen to what you like even if it’s not “cool,” and read what fuels your imagination.

immerse yourself in awesome. this is not a test. stop wasting time. feel good now.

better to give

today, i managed to pull a rabbit out of a hat…worked a little magic and made a cool gift happen for someone important.

i love knowing i have the right gift for someone in hand…i get giddy over knowing the delight it will bring. i have no patience, as usual, so i’m terrible to give gifts too early. this gift was meant to be a christmas present…and i think i held onto it like ten minutes before i had to go ahead and gift it because i was absolutely buzzing with glee over it.

ahhhhh, such a great reward: the surprise, the head shaking disbelief, the smile. i cried a little, more than once, but i think i hid it well…when someone is happy through to their core, it makes me pretty damn happy, too. overwhelming happiness from a gift given with a glad heart and received so enthusiastically: beautiful.

it’s not a price tag thing. gifts without soul, without heart, can cost buckets of cash and still be meaningless. the best gifts are the ones that are so perfectly right for the recipient, and dollars don’t factor into the perfection.

better to give than receive—though in this case, it’s possible the recipient is as pleased and glowing as i am. this is the good stuff: moments to remember where you caught someone off guard, made them grin, can feel happiness radiating out through your every pore in response to their happiness. yeah, this is the good stuff.

Questions

My secret special guest, strumming on acoustic guitar right this second, has posed the following questions for today’s blog:

Is love real and what does it mean to you? Which is better Zaxby’s or KFC? Cocoa Pebbles or Count Chocula?

Alright, so first question: is love real and what does it mean to you?
Love is indeed real, but it is not the stuff of Hallmark cards and Ryan Gosling movies. Love is what remains when the lust burns off, when the rose-colored glasses of romance fall away and there you are, staring at the real person in front of you. Love is the willingness to go along for the ride, knowing that the person who started off as your partner may become different along the way, may change. Love is practice. Love is dedication to a mutual cause. It takes work to focus on that mutual cause when life gets in the way. Sometimes it seems easier to abandon the cause than it does to stick with it, but love will stay…love abides, resides, persists. Love isn’t violent, cruel, callous, selfish, and love doesn’t run away. Love is steadfast, a safe harbor in a storm. I absolutely believe in love. I believe in commitment, loyalty and creating a grand romance with the one you love, not having a grand romance and hoping for love, but making the conscious choice to love, be brave, and make a path in the world together.

Next question:
Which is better, Zaxby’s or KFC?
Why is this a question?? Zaxby’s makes great milkshakes, but if I want chicken, KFC will win over Zaxby’s. Church’s or Popeye’s will actually win over KFC, but we don’t have those restaurants here. A bucket of original recipe KFC and a box of biscuits. Amen.

Last question as the guitar plays on:
Cocoa Pebbles or Count Chocula?
Really???? Really. Count Chocula, man. I have never pledged allegiance to any kind of pebbles, fruity or otherwise. Count Chocula in all its seasonal glory with its fresh bat-shaped marshmallows is clearly the superior cereal.

gabriel

This week’s woowoo, among other things, involves archangel meditations. Today’s meditation was to invoke the guidance of archangel Gabriel to speak that which must be said in order to release it to make room for the positive. All day long, I gave thought to what I have not said.
I meditated in a hot bath, and I came up with some things that maybe I have said, maybe I haven’t said, but if I say (write) them today, perhaps I can let go of the burden entirely.

Here’s the deal. I got screwed over this year. I let myself get screwed over in the name of love and forgiveness. In the spirit of forgiveness, I gave time, support, love, and money…and I got back jack shit, unless you count a world of hurt as a prize. I knew better, but dammit, I am the eternal romantic, and like Agent Mulder, I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe there was still some speck of love in this person’s heart, even though I knew logically that there was nothing there for me other than ice, so I absolutely did this to myself. Logic and emotion don’t always show up at the same time. So today, I forgive myself for willfully wearing blinders. I’m going to stop kicking myself over this because I know my heart was in the right place despite my idiotic choices. My intentions were good, and that’s good enough.

Making peace with my mistakes is important so I can make room for new love. Letting go of old hurts is essential so I am showing up whole, not as the walking wounded: distrustful, afraid. These efforts are to free me to do what I do best: love unabashedly, and I really do love fiercely from my soul outward. The hope is that my willingness to be loyal, kind, and loving will be returned to me consistently at long last. I don’t care about money or material things much at all, but I’d go the whole wide world for a steadfast love that is as reliable as the sunrise.

Thanks to meditations with archangel Gabriel for helping me speak my mind today, for help unchaining me.