Category: deep stuff

Nearly birthday time again

When I started this rad, rambling blog back on FreakinAsheville.com so long ago that I had dial-up internet, I was an angsty, wordy single mom looking for love, chocolate, and a place to pay me to write. As I creep up to another birthday, ummmmm, I’m still kinda in the same spot I was, what, 15 years ago, but I’ve certainly located the good chocolate about 7000 times over and I have speedy internet, so hey, that’s progress, right?!!

Yeah, yeah, I’ve accomplished a lot of things in that time, but some of those big things like true love and getting paid for words have remained evasive. I am cautiously optimistic as the biological odometer clicks over to a new year…you never know what good stuff lurks just around the corner.

Here’s what I’d like for my birthday in 2016:
1. If you’re a dude wildly in love with me, ‘fess up. That’d be super. Let’s make out until we have chapped faces.
2. Pay a creative person for their work. It doesn’t have to be me. Buy a book or a painting or some music from a local creative entrepreneur. Sprinkle a little love on their dreams.
3. Do something nice for a stranger. Doesn’t have to cost money. Offer a genuine compliment. Hold the door open. Let someone go in front of you in line at the grocery store. If you want to spend money, pay for a stranger’s meal or buy a gift card at whatever store you’re visiting and hand it off to someone on your way out.
4. Cake. Chocolate cake. SOOOOOO much chocolate cake that I feel obligated to eat chocolate cake three meals a day for a week.

That’s a good start. 😉

Frustrated

I am frustrated with people who want something for nothing…can I have your class for free? Can I have your book for free? Can I have your jewelry for free? Can I have all your time while I suck your soul dry? A balanced energy exchange is important. Can’t have something for nothing, folks. No. The answer is no.

I am frustrated with yellow jackets that fucking refuse to die (although they may well FINALLY be deceased after the THIRD can of spray on their nest today) and chase me all around the neighborhood. I am frustrated with household items breaking all over the place: dishwasher, weedeater, exploding tea kettle, and hey look, there’s a hole in the damn fire pit, too.

Frustrated with energy vampire former housemates that TOOK MY FUCKING BED while I was gone. Wanna have a crappy day? Fly across the country all jet lagged and so damned tired your body aches, open your bedroom door, and find your bed gone, frame and all.

I am frustrated by seemingly out-duding most dudes in my wake. Whoever is holding their cajones for ransom should just turn ’em over.

Obviously I’m a little pissy, a little moody. I recognize it. I could use a little love, a little TLC.

Sunday Afternoon Ramblings

If I’m neglecting my writing, it can usually be attributed to feeling like crap. I’ve felt like crap for a few weeks thanks to hellacious allergies. I am very possibly open to living in one of those bubble suits. Doc says take two different allergy meds each day for the next few weeks, and that slows the snotfest, but it gives me epic headaches. Damned if ya do, damned if ya don’t. Feeling better this weekend, so let’s ramble, shall we?

I’m off the dating site. Disabled my account because the flood of lewd messages was relentless, and I was also receiving tons of hostile messages about how women have ruined marriage, ruined family, ruined love. Whoa, please don’t get any of your crazy on me, thanks. The harmless “hi, how are you” types of messages were few and far between.

But.

I did wrangle one pretty terrific date and phone number out of the site before I disabled my account. It might jinx things to say he’s super promising as our second date fast approaches, but I had fun on our sushi date, and the conversation and laughter were easy. “Ease” is underrated in the dating world. I prefer ease. I don’t want to “make” anything work, force something; the magic is either there or it’s not. Ease. Magic. Yes.

Crafting my ass off in cameo land. It brings me joy to create them from dust, from nothing.

Promotion is a done deal at work, and my work schedule is changing, hallelujah. My only gripe about work was the schedule, so I’m thrilled to be moving into a schedule that is a better fit. The challenge right now is to train on my new role while still doing my old role; things feel a little overwhelming, but I am grateful for the opportunity. Once the dust settles, things will be awesome.

I could use a vacation. Send money 😉

I wrote

This weekend was primarily a writer’s retreat for me.  The idea was to lock myself in a room with pen and paper and work on a story that’s been on my mind…the story in question has been interrupting my sleep with ideas, characters, so I had to give it some attention.

But that’s not what I wrote.

The words on a phone screen pushed me into a new direction, revisiting some feelings I’d shoved down deep.  I don’t know exactly how to explain it, but it was like certain feelings had been stitched up tight for years and the stitches blew out. Much of this was ugly and raw…infected feelings.  There were some sunny rays of light in all that dark mess, but I still haven’t quite corralled the beast I accidentally unleashed and I don’t wanna drag this monster home with me.

PS from the couch

I don’t regret giving love, and I don’t regret trying.  I would deeply regret not offering love.  I understand I don’t have control over whether someone meets me halfway with equal love and hope.  I just keep wishing for new outcomes.  I wish for those love letters or surprise flowers on my doorstep. Someday.

Sitting on a couch in Charlotte

Sitting on a couch in Charlotte, NC, thinking deep thoughts.  I’m pondering on why I do some of the things I do.  For example, today I got some text messages I answered, and some I didn’t…some I just deleted upon receipt.  Others I answered with glee, with heart, with delicious anticipation of a response.

I don’t think it would surprise anyone else if I say that in my personal life, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing most of the time.  Small scale, I’m sure I want what anyone else wants: I wanna get laid with some regularity, I wanna get flowers and a little romance, I wanna be loved by someone who wants my love…while most might not be so crass in their description, I think those are pretty accurate words to sum it all up.

Beyond that, I seem to get all tripped up.  I end up chasing dead ends often.  I end up feeling lonely.

The lonely part can be hard to explain. I’m an introvert.  I like and need to be alone a lot, but I still want to know someone is there for me.  I need someone who loves me but has their own shit to do, who is glad to see me but won’t cling to me like I’m their life raft.

I’m still somehow a heart on my sleeve optimist.  I make myself vulnerable, get hopeful, and the same old hammer drops, but with different characters.  Different players, but same ending.

I’m not sure why this song lyric has been replaying in my head all day, but it’s nonstop. “What I wanted is what I wanted; what I wanted is what she wanted.” It’s from an STP song.  Is it because I *think* I know what the other person wants, but I find out I’m wrong and end up empty-handed/empty-hearted every time to this point?

I want to be pursued…is that possible? I know that I’m hard to approach as both an introvert and an Alpha wolf type of personality.  I’m both fierce and solitary, but dammit all to hell, I am so loyal to my people, my tribe.  If I ever loved you as my partner, surely to goodness if nothing else, you can attest to my loyalty and fidelity  even on your worst days. I believe in my lovers, their magic and their potential, even when they have forgotten it for themselves.

This is all a confusing ramble because my thoughts and feelings are a jumble.  My bed is empty, and while that’s an overshare, so what? I speak my tangled up truths and wish for something different.

 

I’ll Just Vague Blog About It

Vaguebooking: Being intentionally vague in your Facebook posts to the annoyance of everyone that reads your post.

Vagueblogging: Same damn thing, just doing it on my blog because I don’t do it on Facebook.

Got some news today that disappointed me.  Even though I can be a stubborn grouch, I am a believer in possibilities, a holder of hope. Today I learned a little beacon of hope I’d been clinging to for a long time was gone.  Choices were made.  Doors permanently locked.  Fuck fuck fuck.  Yeah.

Funny how a few words on a screen can make you feel like you were punched in the gut.  All I needed was a quick glimpse at some words and I felt like I was falling, tumbling downnnnnnnnnnn into a hole full of suck.  I’ve tried to rebound and recover today, but I’m just plain sad over it.  I had hopes and wishes and they got bulldozed.  The world apparently isn’t all about me…who knew?

I guess as a grouchy optimist that I will continue to hold hope that maybe I’ll see some other words from other sources that renew my spirit.  Tell me something good.  Tell me a secret. Make me smile.

Vague enough? You’re welcome.

 

Message in a Bottle?

photo by Acme401 on Flickr
photo by Acme401 on Flickr

If you sent me an email in the last 6 months through one of my websites, you probably would’ve had better luck reaching me via a message in a bottle or carrier pigeon.  I just learned that I was having an email delivery issue for SIX MONTHS!

My apologies to anyone received a belated reply.  The issue has been resolved.  I’ve replied to the emails I received, so if you haven’t heard from me, please try again.  So sorry! Yikes.

Dreams That Leave You Sad

I’m not a big boohoo-er, not a big weeper when I see a sappy commercial or sad movie.  I woke from a dream this morning and burst into tears.  The dream felt so real that waking to reality was just a sharp smack in the face.

I have a friend that I used to be super close with…movie dates, meals, hanging out, stupid private jokes…a friend for a long time.  Friend partnered up, and friend’s partner doesn’t dig me, so all those magical times are no more.  Hell, it’s rare that I lay eyes on my friend in person anymore.

In my dream, it was the present day, but all of this was different.  Friend’s partner wasn’t in the dream.  There was adventure.  There was laughter.  There was wasted time drinking coffee and making snarky jokes.  It felt so good.  In my dream, I remembered just how important this person was in my life and what a void the absence had created, how freaking whole the world felt with my friend back.

And then I woke up.  Damn.  Ouch.  The feeling was like grieving, only this person is alive and well.  Holy crap, wow, it hurt my heart and soul.  Grieving for the departed living.