Category: deep stuff

I just don’t look.

Social media is both awful and awesome.
It’s awesome to see what’s up with your favorite people.
It’s awful when social media is full of your exes. Most of my exes are on Facebook and Instagram. We are not “friends” but they are friends with my friends…so I see their comments and tags, but here’s how I stay sane:
I just don’t look at their feed or wall or whatever it is on the particular social media. Sometimes, I’m sorely tempted, but it’s not going to feel good, so I just don’t do it. I don’t creep on them. I don’t peek. I just don’t look.
I hear my friends say about their own exes: I can’t believe they went to ____ (insert name of amazing place). I can’t believe they bought a ______(insert name of thing you covet). I can’t believe they_______ (insert thing ex did with his new beloved, like painting a room or landscaping the yard). My friends are all in damn twist over it, livid.
I just don’t look. I haven’t looked in years. I willfully do not go there. Sometimes it’s super tempting; I get curious. The reality is, though, it’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna be a swift punch in the gut that I do not need on any day of the week. No matter how happy you might be, it’s seldom a thrill to see your ex living well and frolicking with the love that came after you. Yeah yeah yeah: Be the bigger person; I hear ya.
I can be a benevolent soul, but even I have my limits…so I just don’t look.

Thinkin’, as usual

As is so often the case over here in the Kat Box, I’m just thinkin’.

It’s funny the way things turn out in a way you never in a zillion years would’ve guessed.

Sometimes, really good stuff has been close at hand all along, yet there you were, looking off into the horizon instead of looking left and right.

I went looking far and wide for something across the reaches of the Internet, poking around every corner of the world wide web, only to find that I could’ve tripped over what I needed. Funny the way it is.

Better today, thanks

That nasty mood was nothing 3 back to back Paranormal Activity movies and jager shots couldn’t fix.
For all the jackasses that abound, there are some really sweet souls out there who make me laugh way into the wee hours. I may be sleep deprived, but I’m smiling. I may have had Red Bull and chocolate birthday cake for breakfast, but I’m smiling. That moment when you’re laughing so hard and so loud you don’t have a care in the world: that’s the best.

I am grateful for those kindnesses, that sweetness, and laughing like a hyena; whether I deserve it or not is an argument to have another day.

Crappy end to my bday

So I was having a pretty okay birthday. Maybe not the most epic bday on record, but an okay day.

It was all good until someone walked right in there with their lie in my face…their lie trailing two steps behind. Crap. Right in front of me?

I suppose I should be grateful that I had the opportunity to see a situation very clearly, but it doesn’t feel good. It really doesn’t feel good on my birthday.

I came home and told the kiddo what happened…and she said this always happens to you, especially on your birthday. That remark kicked me while I was down. Fuck.

So. Yep. It hurts that people lie, people deceive. It hurts an awful lot on my birthday, a day when I just wanna be loved. Ouch.

The Gift of Forgiveness

There’s someone I see fairly regularly that I have been pissed off at for, I dunno, five years or more. Honestly, this person really fucked up and made a terrible choice once upon a time. I’ve been mad ever since at a person I’ve known since childhood.

Tonight, the clock struck midnight, and it was my birthday. I decided I didn’t want to carry this anger around another year. People screw up. I know I’ve epically screwed up and sometimes wish I’d made different choices along the way. I’ve wanted merciful forgiveness that has yet to come and may never come for me…but I can give that forgiveness to someone else.

I took a deep breath, let it out, and approached him. I shook his hand and held it, gave it a little squeeze. I dropped the weight of that anger, the heavy pull of disappointment and hurt, right there.

The choices made so long ago were not awesome, but the fact is that they can’t be unmade. I have a choice now to be angry or to let go, and with this birthday, I give him and myself the light and gentle gift of forgiveness.

Thinking

As I get closer to my birthday each year, I find that I want to reflect more than usual, look back on how I got to this point.

There’s a line in the song “So Far Away” by Staind, “I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today.” That line is a great summary.

I used to carry around so much shame, guilt, and regret. I regretted things I did as well as things I didn’t choose to do. I felt guilty for not always being the best parent, friend, partner that I could be. I was ashamed that I wasn’t more, whatever more meant.

I dropped those feelings for the most part when I attended the funerals of two of my friends. The loss was a wake up call to notice all the good that is, rather than get sucked into what isn’t going right.

How am I different? I don’t live in fear. I don’t care if you like my job, my clothes, my friends, my lovers, my tats, my kid, my taste in music. I don’t care if you like my words. I do have my moments of feeling low, but I try hard to pull myself back up again quickly because this is it, this moment, this life, this breath…all I have is in this moment so I don’t want to waste it being unhappy.

I was angry and unhappy for years, and to what end? I shoved people away who wanted to love me and I was closed off to new opportunities. That’s not what I would call a win.

Now? I laugh. I write. I flirt. I spend my time with those that bring me joy. It’s not always rainbows and unicorns. Not everyone appreciates my balls to the wall approach. I’ve been told I’m abrasive. I’ve been told I’m as subtle as a chainsaw. I’ve been told my writing sucks. I’ve been rejected for love, and I’ve been rejected for work.

And so fucking what? Every no brings me closer to yes, and yes is abso-fucking-lutely delicious. Yes is a road trip to see an old haunted theme park in the pouring rain with a car full of friends. Yes is seeing my words shared over 12,000 times from a website I adore. Yes is laughing hard over breakfast with my kiddo. Yes is that sixth cup of coffee with girlfriends because we have the best conversations. Yes is a sleepy warm arm draped over my bare hip in the wee hours.

Say yes, friends, to the possibilities. Say yes. Be brave.

There are no rules

There is no right time to admit something is awesome. Say it.
It’s not uncool to enjoy this.
We are bound by an imaginary set of rules. There are no rules, not really. Our lives are ticking by, tick tock, so what are you waiting for? A permission slip? This is it.
Dive in. Be interested. Be engaged. Wallow in the awesome when you find it. Grab it before it’s gone. Notice the ease where normally things are ridiculously difficult. Ease is good.
Kiss the girl. Seize the day. Kick some ass. This moment is all we have.

“Write your name across the sky.”

Above and beyond

I go back through my blog posts sometimes to remind myself where I was with things in my life so I can see the progress or to look for happy little tidbits that might have slipped my mind.

Sometimes I post something just for that purpose, to be a tidbit to look back on and smile. This is one of those posts.

We live in a busy world where so often people are 100% focused on themselves and surviving, just getting by. We forget to take time for others; we forget to laugh. We work, sleep, work, sleep, mow the grass, repeat.

This week, someone went above and beyond for me in the silliest and simplest way with pockets full of candy. I’m still laughing about pockets full of candy two days later. The backstory is nunya biznass, but the end result is someone went out of their way just to make me smile. That’s a gesture worth typing about; that’s worth remembering on some future rainy day. I love it when people are generous with their humor and generous with their time. That was a good day.

If you’re reading this post and maybe you don’t keep a blog or a journal, jot down something awesome and save it on some far off date on your phone’s calendar. When the reminder pops up a year from now, you’ll have a way to remember the awesome, happy moment from the past. Kinda cool, right? You’re welcome.

I dunno, y’know?

I’ve heard it said “don’t believe everything you think.” I learned over the last week that this is a truth to dig into. People I thought I knew, pfffft, I didn’t really know…and things I thought were true, mmmm, were totally off base. It’s all good, maybe even better than good, but I’d been walking around with a belief or an idea for a long while that I chose to challenge on my own…and boom! I found out I didn’t know diddly.

I’m a “vaguebooker,” I know, but bear with me. I’d been thinking something that was in conflict with my gut instinct…so I asked questions. I asked a lot of questions, and I laughed a lot. My instinct was correct. There was ease and happiness right smack dab where once there was not exactly a chasm, but there was definitely a rift.

I guess the vague takeaway is to challenge yourself to ponder “why do I think that” about a person, and then follow that up with “is that really true.” Sometimes you’ll find that you don’t really know what you think you know, y’know?