Crappy end to my bday

So I was having a pretty okay birthday. Maybe not the most epic bday on record, but an okay day.

It was all good until someone walked right in there with their lie in my face…their lie trailing two steps behind. Crap. Right in front of me?

I suppose I should be grateful that I had the opportunity to see a situation very clearly, but it doesn’t feel good. It really doesn’t feel good on my birthday.

I came home and told the kiddo what happened…and she said this always happens to you, especially on your birthday. That remark kicked me while I was down. Fuck.

So. Yep. It hurts that people lie, people deceive. It hurts an awful lot on my birthday, a day when I just wanna be loved. Ouch.


As I get closer to my birthday each year, I find that I want to reflect more than usual, look back on how I got to this point.

There’s a line in the song “So Far Away” by Staind, “I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today.” That line is a great summary.

I used to carry around so much shame, guilt, and regret. I regretted things I did as well as things I didn’t choose to do. I felt guilty for not always being the best parent, friend, partner that I could be. I was ashamed that I wasn’t more, whatever more meant.

I dropped those feelings for the most part when I attended the funerals of two of my friends. The loss was a wake up call to notice all the good that is, rather than get sucked into what isn’t going right.

How am I different? I don’t live in fear. I don’t care if you like my job, my clothes, my friends, my lovers, my tats, my kid, my taste in music. I don’t care if you like my words. I do have my moments of feeling low, but I try hard to pull myself back up again quickly because this is it, this moment, this life, this breath…all I have is in this moment so I don’t want to waste it being unhappy.

I was angry and unhappy for years, and to what end? I shoved people away who wanted to love me and I was closed off to new opportunities. That’s not what I would call a win.

Now? I laugh. I write. I flirt. I spend my time with those that bring me joy. It’s not always rainbows and unicorns. Not everyone appreciates my balls to the wall approach. I’ve been told I’m abrasive. I’ve been told I’m as subtle as a chainsaw. I’ve been told my writing sucks. I’ve been rejected for love, and I’ve been rejected for work.

And so fucking what? Every no brings me closer to yes, and yes is abso-fucking-lutely delicious. Yes is a road trip to see an old haunted theme park in the pouring rain with a car full of friends. Yes is seeing my words shared over 12,000 times from a website I adore. Yes is laughing hard over breakfast with my kiddo. Yes is that sixth cup of coffee with girlfriends because we have the best conversations. Yes is a sleepy warm arm draped over my bare hip in the wee hours.

Say yes, friends, to the possibilities. Say yes. Be brave.

Nearly birthday time again

When I started this rad, rambling blog back on so long ago that I had dial-up internet, I was an angsty, wordy single mom looking for love, chocolate, and a place to pay me to write. As I creep up to another birthday, ummmmm, I’m still kinda in the same spot I was, what, 15 years ago, but I’ve certainly located the good chocolate about 7000 times over and I have speedy internet, so hey, that’s progress, right?!!

Yeah, yeah, I’ve accomplished a lot of things in that time, but some of those big things like true love and getting paid for words have remained evasive. I am cautiously optimistic as the biological odometer clicks over to a new year…you never know what good stuff lurks just around the corner.

Here’s what I’d like for my birthday in 2016:
1. If you’re a dude wildly in love with me, ‘fess up. That’d be super. Let’s make out until we have chapped faces.
2. Pay a creative person for their work. It doesn’t have to be me. Buy a book or a painting or some music from a local creative entrepreneur. Sprinkle a little love on their dreams.
3. Do something nice for a stranger. Doesn’t have to cost money. Offer a genuine compliment. Hold the door open. Let someone go in front of you in line at the grocery store. If you want to spend money, pay for a stranger’s meal or buy a gift card at whatever store you’re visiting and hand it off to someone on your way out.
4. Cake. Chocolate cake. SOOOOOO much chocolate cake that I feel obligated to eat chocolate cake three meals a day for a week.

That’s a good start. ūüėČ

Birthday Eve Wisdom

Tomorrow, I turn 41. Driving home in the rain this evening, I was trying to decide if I was any wiser than I was on the eve of my last birthday.

In the last year, I’ve had to muster courage, lots of it. I’ve had to ponder what it means to truly forgive, and what is unconditional love and what is real friendship. My decision-making has been much more for me and a lot less for pleasing others: doesn’t always make me popular, but it feels better.

Maybe I’m not wiser, but I am making progress.

For the year ahead, I’d like to keep aiming high for the life I want while enjoying the life I have.

Do Something Kind

My birthday is this week. I won’t lie: I love cake and presents, so yes, those are welcome and appreciated.

A few years ago, I was having a really painful time personally and professionally around my birthday. I was very sad and feeling incredibly discouraged, and on top of that, I was sick with an infected tooth that needed surgery, so I was a mess.

Somewhere I saw a quote that said something like the best way to lift yourself up is to do something kind for another. I took the quote to heart and did some kindnesses where I could for my birthday to see if it would indeed lift me up from the gloom. I paid for a stranger’s meal at IHOP. I left quarters in the vending machines at the front of the grocery store in hopes that some kid would be delighted by the prospect of free gumballs. I picked up trash in front of my neighbor’s house. I pushed shopping carts into the corral at Wal-Mart and K-Mart. I put candy in my coworkers’ mailboxes. I did all of these things in stealth mode, because most of the glee was coming from the excitement of doing this in secret!

Did all these special efforts help my mood? Absolutely. I felt happy, and I felt glad knowing I was making a difference in the world, that my kindness mattered. This became my birthday tradition, and I have since asked others to join in and do something nice in my honor.

If you’re reading this, I’m asking you to do something deliberately kind. I say “deliberately” because I’m sure you already try to make the world a better place and are nice by habit. Choose something new to do outside your existing habits of kindness, and be mindfully, deliberately kind for my birthday. Spread kindness: that’s my birthday wish.

My Birthday is Coming, My Birthday is Coming

My birthday is coming.

Well, it’s in September.

And it’s July now…

But I am excited nonetheless!

First, I love parties.¬† This year has been a speck lean financially so far, and I haven’t been able to throw my usual parties.¬† Apparently no one else throws parties (or they don’t invite me?!?), so I miss having everyone gathered in an environment of fun and food and socializing.

Second on the list: cake.¬† Birthdays mean cake usually.¬† Last year, somehow there was no cake and I was a tad dismayed…I baked my own the year before, which was also somewhat disappointing.¬† Part of the excitement of cake is that someone that enough of you to make or buy a cake in your honor.¬† They were thinking of me! So, I will shake off the lack of cake love from the last two years and know that this year there will be cake.

Third: I love cards.¬† Handmade or store-bought, that part doesn’t matter, because I care what note is scribbled inside.¬† What did someone write down for me, to me??¬† I have been known to hoard cards from years past because they are so dear.¬† Nice Facebook posts are also appreciated.

Fourth: presents are good! I like presents.¬† I like to be thought of, but I can always tell the difference between a gift of love and a gift of “oh for fuck’s sake, it’s her birthday, here’s a thing in a bag.”¬† It’s not about the price.¬† It’s about the thought, about the love.¬† The obligatory thing in a bag actually hurts my feelings quite a lot.¬† Think of me with love or kiss my ass.

Fifth reason to be excited about my birthday: I’m still alive to celebrate!¬† That’s pretty magical and glorious.

Sixth thing: it means Halloween is coming soon! I get my Halloween decorations out in time for my birthday because I love Halloween as much as my birthday.

Seventh reason on this list: I can celebrate my birthday for the entire month of September.  Says who? Says me.  I write the rules of my life, and September is my birthday month so I accept lunch dates, presents and treats all month long.

bday wishes

‘Round this time o’ year we wish our JDDog a very happy birthday…and soon, same to Uncle Lane.

It’s important to not just wish them a happy bday, but thank them for this blog…once upon a time, JDDog, Uncle¬†Lane, and Uncle Doogie gave me a forum for my words on…now, they never said I was any good, mind you, but they gave me a space and said “do your thing.” And words are my thing. ¬†They gave me a corner of the world wide web and let me spew my randomness…and when FreakinAsheville was no more, JDDog kept me truckin’ on a new domain.

Even though they are the ones with the birthdays, they gave me the gift: the gift of doing my thing. ¬†I know now that read or unread, writing a decade of words has kept me sane. ¬†A place to write, a space to fill, has been my life raft in some dark times and my playground on happy days. ¬†Thanks, thanks, thanks…and happy birthday.


thankful for a good birthday weekend…

After last year’s birthday debacle, most anything was an improvement…but I had a good birthday and I had a good birthday weekend, too.

There were Jager shots with “Van Helsing” and “From Dusk Till Dawn” and conversation about anything and everything…and that’s just the best. ¬†Time spent laughing and goofing off can’t be bought, and it’s the best stuff ever.

This coming weekend will hopefully bring more of the same because there can never be enough. ¬†The “Where My Girls At” ladies only 40th bday celebration this Saturday should be awesome. ¬†Cheers!

bday project 2013 still underway

I think I’m going to make an effort to spread kindness for my birthday month! ¬†Little things, simple things. ¬†Mindful kindness, not just the automatic knee jerk reflex politeness.

I’ve put away weights at the gym for others. ¬†Pushed in grocery carts. ¬†Left candy in the kitchen at work…which was funny, because shortly thereafter, someone brought me candy from the kitchen! ¬†Thank you notes to some people who made a difference in ¬†my life.

This is good stuff, so I want to keep going.