Tag: love

a year of learning

it’s been about a year since my life was turned upside down.  i won’t lie and say it was easy, but i feel totally comfortable now saying i am better for it.

i examined what things really meant to me.  i figured out what my definitions of love, success, abundance and happiness are…and my new definitions aren’t really close to what i would’ve said a year ago.  sometimes, your ass has to be kicked a little to wake up, shake off the ego trip and get down to the nittygritty.  i wouldn’t want to repeat the last year, no way, but i believe it was necessary and important.  i am calmer, happier and more positive as a result of all this, perhaps even more loving and compassionate, too.

i am aware of my own role in how things imploded.  while hindsight shows me the error of some of my choices, i know in the moment, i was doing my best with what i knew how to do.  forgiving myself over the last year has been equally as important as forgiving others.

today, i am at peace as i look back on the messes and the scars, and i feel happy in the present…and i look ahead with hope.

Eeeeek, Stop Trying to “Fix” Me

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I’ve noticed lately that to the outside world, how I show up isn’t quite good enough…and the well-meaning do-gooders of the world seem to have no problem telling me how I could improve.  There are perhaps too many unfiltered ambassadors of helpfulness in my social circle right now.  I didn’t ask for their advice, but golly, they sure are generous and overly direct with it.  It’s overwhelming sometimes to get into my happy groove, my positive mindset, feeling unstoppable, and BOOM! There’s someone pointing out all the ways I could be better, look better, live better…and I’m not broken! I don’t want you to try to fix me.

One well-meaning do-gooder wants me to lose weight, take up a specific exercise regime and exist entirely on bars and powders and supplements, oh my!  I hurt my ankle badly last year.  I spent months in agony even when I was sitting down, only doing prescribed stretching and strength training exercises per doctor’s orders.  I gained some weight, yup, but really, it’s been the lowest of my concerns.  I have been permitted in the last couple weeks to finally go for walks (on level surfaces only!) after almost of a year of minimal movement.  On my first walk, I was feeling so exhilarated to finally be able to move without white hot pain, feeling so giddy in the simplicity of taking literal steps forward.  I am so proud and happy of standing on my own two feet!

Another do-gooder thinks I will go farther in my career if I put on “preppy” clothes.  Hmmmmm.  I wear professional clothes to my day gig, but I seldom wear suits.  I am incredibly unproductive in a suit, struggling like a fidgety five year old forced into “church clothes.” In a suit, all I can think about it how I wish I was wearing something else!  I’m feeling accomplished, professional, productive and effective in what I have on, thanks.

Still another do-gooder believes that I will never “find a man” if I continue to wear sneakers all the time.  What!?! After several foot injuries and injuries to both ankles, all in the last decade, I’m pretty much on sneaker patrol all the time.  I am confident that a loving, solid, trustworthy partner won’t care what shoes I wear.  Is this really a thing? Do men only date women in stripper heels? I don’t think I’m buying what you’re selling.

I don’t need “fixing.”  Sure, I’m a work in progress, ever changing, dynamic, but there’s nothing “wrong” with me.  I like me.  I loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove me, sneakers and all.

valentine’s confession

I have to confess that as zen as I wish I’d been, I was pretty sulky to spend Valentine’s evening all alone. Minime was gone to a friend’s, and I had no invitations.  I couldn’t think of anyone to call, and I didn’t want to be anyone’s third wheel anyway.

I made a plate of nachos and a cup of hot cocoa.  I put on my bathrobe and watched “Monster and Mysteries in America” reruns with the pets…keeping my phone handy in case someone texted or emailed to profess love or invite me somewhere.  No texts, no emails.

I admit I was a little sad to be invisible and solo on Valentine’s Day.  Yeah, I know it’s just a commercial event shoved down our throats by jewelry stores and chocolate companies, but I still like it.  As difficult and stubborn as I may be, I’m still a woman and women like cards and flowers and chocolate!  I’m a sucker for sweet words in a card or letter, so Valentine’s and all its promise of woo was meant for me!! Alas, I was woo-less.

Happy Valentine’s Day 2014

On this Valentine’s Day, a quote from Paulo Coelho to share: “Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.”

Now, this quote isn’t just about your romantic heart, folks, although that’s certainly a valid quote for romance as well.

This quote for me is about your life’s passion, your heart’s desire.  Do what you love and  love what you do, that sort of mojo.  I’ve spent the last several years pondering what I really want to do with my time, with my work.  I’ve explored some great books and subscribed to some wonderful email newsletters to keep my focus.  I’ve paddled through a sea of self doubt before arriving on the shore ready to rock and roll.  I think I have my head and heart aligned when I say I want to write, coach, speak, train for a living, helping folks consider ways over, around or through what they perceive as their obstacles.  I like to help people get unstuck, and I know I’m good at it.  Maybe we’ll toss a little tarot reading in there for good measure just because I like it and it’s fun.  I’m putting this out there to you, kind reader, and to the Universe to help my dreams and aspirations become real.  It would be a big change from my day job, but I’m so over doing what I “have” to do and what I’m “supposed” to do, and I am ready to do more of what I want to do and what I was born to do.  Can I get an “Amen?!”

On a Valentine’s note, for those in my circle of love, I’m pretty darn sure you know you are loved by me, because I suck at hiding my enthusiasm!  You’re loved every day, not just when Hallmark tells me I should buy a card.

self awareness

 

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i am a goober. i screw up. i burn bridges and then run back across them anyway. i forgive. i hope to be forgiven. i realize things too late. i am stubborn.  i drink whiskey in my hot tea.  i worry.  i love.  i hope to be loved back.  i like those hot pots of soup at the thai place that come with their own little fire underneath.  i forget to filter things i say.  i give more hugs than i used to.  i apologize even when it’s not accepted. i eventually accept apologies i said i wouldn’t accept and hold the words close to my heart.  i blurt things out in emails and think “oh crap” after i’ve already hit send.  i keep secrets.   i am impatient.  i am loyal.  i yearn for my warm hammock that awaits me on an island. i think green juice really rocks.  i don’t want to be tamed or contained.  i want to be appreciated.  i yell sometimes.  i accept the limitations of others.  i am hard on myself.  i take naps.  i love adventures.

Value

This time of year, we are bombarded with messages that tell us that gifts mean love, that money spent means love, that the only way to show love is to spend money, preferably more money than one can actually afford to spend.  Every kiss begins with jewelry purchased at the mall.  Holiday traditions begin with expensive cars.

I know that the best gifts have a value to the heart and soul that have nothing to do with what they cost.  Their value is in the sentiment and the weight of the emotion attached.

I have received gifts that cost a lot of money but they didn’t resonate with happiness and love.  They weren’t given with great joy and thus didn’t feel valuable, important, special.

I have received gifts that didn’t cost much at all that made me smile and glow.  My teenager managed to sneak in the makings for biscuits and my favorite apple butter for my birthday.  It was a secret plan, and she knew I’d be so pleased with hot biscuits fresh from the oven covered in apple butter.  Such happiness I felt and still feel when I consider all the planning involved.

Today I was surprised with something personal and sentimental, the what doesn’t matter.  As I type this, the tv is on and telling the world that we need to buy sweaters, jewelry, more more more…and there’s really not anything I can think of that can be bought in a mall that would come anywhere near the specialness of this gesture on a cold winter afternoon.

The value and the price tag are not one and the same, ya dig?

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Letting It All Go

Today, I started letting go of some little things around the house that once were sentimental but now only irk me or make me sad.  Nothing like symbols of shattered dreams lying about to remind me of things that don’t deserve space in my brain any longer.

Getting rid of most of the big stuff was easy and I took care of all that ages ago.  Shared bed, gone.  Sheets, gone. Pictures out of frames.

Little stuff is harder for me.  Jewelry, Christmas ornaments, notes that came with flowers: I have a harder time with all the little stuff.  All these artifacts of times gone by are harmless to anyone but me.  Seeing that ring makes my jaw tighten up to think of all the faith and trust I put out there once upon a time; those ornaments make my heart sink, painted by little hands at my kitchen table.  Despite the yucky feelings, I still have a hard time getting rid of those things.  I don’t want that part of my life back, no way, but I am still sentimental about the odds and ends that were part of that old existence.

The notes are words that don’t make sense to me now, so those got shredded.  The rest, these jewels and ornaments and things I happen upon in drawers and closets, I am parting with those little by little, and I started today.  These items might make me sad, but they will make someone else smile, and that feels like an act that might restore balance to the world: giving someone else a reason to smile.  By getting these little reminders out of my house, I am restoring happiness to my corner of the world, cleaning out the cobwebs to make room for all the good things that are happening now.

scary medical tests

My odometer rolled over to 40. The doctor of Mysterious Lady Parts said go for a mammogram…so I went.
Ladies, if you’ve had this done, you know they just grab your bits and smash them all around and they don’t kiss you or send flowers the next day. It’s so…clinical and cold and impersonal. Grab your flesh, smush it, take images, repeat.
I’m 40. This is a baseline test. No big deal.
Only, it was a big deal. Radiologist saw something and wanted me to come back for more images and an ultrasound, but they can’t get me in for both for a week. Oh my god. “Panic” is not the word for the blood running cold terror…knees quaking, hands shaking. I know the statistics and the odds; very slim that I could have cancer……….but not impossible.
I spent the next week in a nervous haze. I spent a Sunday afternoon curled up in my pjs with a good man who held my hand and told me everything would be okay, and even if it wasn’t okay, it would still be okay. I kept repeating “okay” to myself, trying to borrow from his unflinching reassurances.
I had the images done again, and I was hoping the imaging tech would say there was nothing there when she re-imaged me, just a shadow or too much tissue squished up…but she saw something and sent me to ultrasound.
In ultrasound, the technician found something and showed me…something small but something out of place. She said it could be as long as 5 days before a radiologist looked at all the results and called me.
Sitting in the car outside the imaging center—it sounds so dramatic to say it, but it’s true—I looked at beautiful trees ablaze with fall color and I wondered if this could be my last autumn? Dramatic, yes, but in a week full of health concerns, I became so aware of how there are no guarantees, no timelines, no calendars that say how long we get, no matter how healthy we are or aren’t.
I waited. When the call came through to say it’s a cyst, it will disappear on its own, I nearly collapsed with gratitude. I’d been carrying around such fear and stress for days. The relief was huge.
My takeaway from this whole thing is that I will be regular with my exams to find any problems early on. I will also live while I can. I’m pretty honest with those closest to me, but those who stayed close during this scare heard my truths, heard me open up big time, and I don’t regret it. I don’t regret being vulnerable and asking for love when I needed it, and I should do more of that even when I’m not scared out of my mind. Receiving love is something I struggle with, but I liked the feeling of being held in positive thoughts and total care when I let down my guard, so maybe this health scare came just in time to show me the right way to live.

good stuff

Even after hitting an emotional bottom and splitting my soul into bits like Humpty Dumpty earlier this year, I am pleased to report there is still good stuff out there. It is terrifying on many levels to be open to letting someone tiptoe around the edges and into my life, but I am taking some risks, being real, being vulnerable. I won’t let a few bad people from my past rob me of the chance to be happy in the present and in the future. It’s good to laugh and smile again.
It is scary to let the good stuff in, because I know how much it hurts when the good stuff goes away…but I don’t want to miss out on this or any opportunity to be happy. There are risks, but I want to take them. I want to live and love to the full width and breadth and depth of my capability, to feel giddy joy. I want a happily ever after, but a happily right now is better than the isolation of taking no chances. Maybe I will get my happily ever after at last, and maybe I won’t, but I will never know unless I allow the good stuff into my world. I hope the good stuff stays and multiplies.