a year of learning

it’s been about a year since my life was turned upside down.  i won’t lie and say it was easy, but i feel totally comfortable now saying i am better for it.

i examined what things really meant to me.  i figured out what my definitions of love, success, abundance and happiness are…and my new definitions aren’t really close to what i would’ve said a year ago.  sometimes, your ass has to be kicked a little to wake up, shake off the ego trip and get down to the nittygritty.  i wouldn’t want to repeat the last year, no way, but i believe it was necessary and important.  i am calmer, happier and more positive as a result of all this, perhaps even more loving and compassionate, too.

i am aware of my own role in how things imploded.  while hindsight shows me the error of some of my choices, i know in the moment, i was doing my best with what i knew how to do.  forgiving myself over the last year has been equally as important as forgiving others.

today, i am at peace as i look back on the messes and the scars, and i feel happy in the present…and i look ahead with hope.

good stuff

Even after hitting an emotional bottom and splitting my soul into bits like Humpty Dumpty earlier this year, I am pleased to report there is still good stuff out there. It is terrifying on many levels to be open to letting someone tiptoe around the edges and into my life, but I am taking some risks, being real, being vulnerable. I won’t let a few bad people from my past rob me of the chance to be happy in the present and in the future. It’s good to laugh and smile again.
It is scary to let the good stuff in, because I know how much it hurts when the good stuff goes away…but I don’t want to miss out on this or any opportunity to be happy. There are risks, but I want to take them. I want to live and love to the full width and breadth and depth of my capability, to feel giddy joy. I want a happily ever after, but a happily right now is better than the isolation of taking no chances. Maybe I will get my happily ever after at last, and maybe I won’t, but I will never know unless I allow the good stuff into my world. I hope the good stuff stays and multiplies.