Category: deep stuff

Win/Lose

Today, I’m choking on one of life’s bitter pills, it seems: someone else wins really, really big, and boom, I feel like I automatically lose. I feel completely knocked on my ass.

There’s the part where I am admittedly jealous, yearning for changes I’ve been trying to put into motion for years. There’s an “ouch” factor, where it just plain stings that I’ve done “all the right things,” so to speak, and not much has changed, except that I’ve grown lonelier and more in debt. There are definitely some heartstrings being pulled, where any remaining hopes and dreams just got balled up and tossed in the gutter… stupid daydreamy fantasies filled with words like “home,” “together,” and “family” that still lingered in the most secret spots of my soul just got ripped right out, roots and all, with no anesthetic.

I feel childish and embarrassed for being jealous. I feel a little angry at myself for not being happier about that big win. I definitely feel disappointed that those cobweb-laden daydreams still cause me so much pain after all the time that’s gone by. Yeah, I’m feeling generally ashamed of myself for not being a kinder, warmer person about this, but for two or three hundred reasons, I feel hurt. You win some, you lose some, and I guess I’m ready for some wins.

Birthday Eve Wisdom

Tomorrow, I turn 41. Driving home in the rain this evening, I was trying to decide if I was any wiser than I was on the eve of my last birthday.

In the last year, I’ve had to muster courage, lots of it. I’ve had to ponder what it means to truly forgive, and what is unconditional love and what is real friendship. My decision-making has been much more for me and a lot less for pleasing others: doesn’t always make me popular, but it feels better.

Maybe I’m not wiser, but I am making progress.

For the year ahead, I’d like to keep aiming high for the life I want while enjoying the life I have.

I Kind of Care but Not Really

If we are friends, I kind of care what you think about the company I keep…but not really.

I don’t care if you think I should be friends with this person; if I don’t want to be, I’m not gonna.  I don’t make fake nice with people to better my social status or please others.  I mean, I’m not going out of my way to mean or disrespectful, but I’m not kissing someone’s ass just because you think they are super-duper if I don’t share your opinion.

I don’t care if you think I should turn my back on someone you dislike.  If I’ve chosen to forgive and move forward, let it go.  I forgive pretty easily.  I get that humans screw up…sometimes they screw up more often than they get it right, and if I make the choice to forgive their human-ness, drop it.  Or if you just plain don’t like my friend for no real reason other than you just don’t like them, so what?  I don’t want to hear how much you dislike so and so.  I’m not going to make you be on a bowling team with people you dislike, pinky promise.  I can’t make all my friends be friends; that’s so first grade.

Just play nicely.  Don’t wanna play with this person?  Stay outta the sandbox then and do something else.

 

Pity Party

Ok, this has been one of those weeks.

I had something pop up that annoyed the piss out of me, grrrr.

Then I mustered up some courage and got hugely disappointed by another instance.   On top of the annoyance, the disappointment was like having someone pop my soul over and over with a rubber band.  Pop. Pop. Ouch.

And then, boom, my fragile heart held together with wishes and faith was jackhammered into bits by another situation. Annoyed, disappointed and then shattered.

Seriously, Universe?

Another day, I will look for the lessons I can learn from these three situations, but today, I am having an epic pity party. Lasagna, breadsticks, chocolate covered strawberries, sangria, pajamas, “Ghost Adventures,” and more sangria.  This is deliberately unproductive down time.

I am grateful to those that texted and emailed me kind support.  I am grateful to those that offered to keep me company tonight.  It doesn’t go unnoticed who looks out for me when one of these weeks happens.

arg.

I just want to spend a brief, short moment being completely annoyed by something.

Life’s too short to wallow in a giant tantrum for long, but omg.  ARG.  Seriously?!? ARG.

Even though I make a special effort to focus on the positive things going on in life, I also want to acknowledge and be aware of the other feelings that pop up.

I am so seriously annoyed.

Absolutely irritated.

Rolling my eyes.

Huffing.

And now, trying to let it go, move on, nothing to see here.

This has been an amazing week

So, I got published on PositivelyPositive.com, which is a great site. They publish some terrific authors and post consistently good content. It was a huge honor to see my post on their site.

What I didn’t expect was the response I received.  Sure, I hoped my friends, family and fellow bloggers would jump in with some “likes” on Facebook and maybe a comment on their site, but I didn’t expect strangers, lots and lots of strangers, to comment and message me.  Days after my original post, I am still getting comments, “likes,” shares, tweets from people all over the world.

Some people who are commenting have been without a home, and one man is without a home now.  Others have a different situation but have been afraid to ask for help.  Still others felt like they were blessed to realize they had something, even on their worst day, to share with another person…and some felt like they had nothing to give, nothing to offer.  I have tried to comment and respond to every post I’ve seen this week.

I feel the love, the spark, the resonance.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

It was a hard post to write because it was a time in my life that was totally uncomfortable and largely unhappy about many things.  I had not yet gotten to the point where I realized I had control over my reactions, my feelings, and that I didn’t have to wallow in the hurts, so it’s a yucky time to visit, even in memory.

I have decided that bit by bit, it’s okay to tell these stories.  Telling my stories might help someone else.  There is a tremendous feeling of isolation when things are going terribly wrong in life, a feeling of failure and that no one else could possibly understand what you are going through…but the truth is, someone out there understands.  That someone who understands might not be in your inner circle, so it is okay to reach out and be honest about what’s going wrong…but I would also challenge you to remember what is going right.  If you are alive, that is at least one thing that is going right.

Thank you, friends both new and old, for allowing me to share my stories.

Foul Weather Friends

I think I’ve written about this before…if not, I meant to because it freakin’ bothers me.

I seem to have an abundance of foul weather friends, the kind of friends who only offer support if I am wallowing in the depths of misery and can’t function.  If I am so distraught I can’t leave the bed, these friends want to take me out for drinks or bring a pitcher of drinks right to my bed…and that’s lovely, right?  It is fantastic to have a helping hand up when I need it.

When I have good news to share, or even really amazing news to share, my texts and emails go unanswered.  Silence.  Nothing.  No “way to go!” No “atta girl!”

It hurts my feelings, but it also makes me wonder why folks are so quick to rally around suffering while it’s so easy to shrug off the positive.

I try to make note of my friends’ accomplishments and triumphs when I can.  I send cards and e-cards to celebrate the good stuff, not just to soothe them when they are frazzled.  I “like” their statuses when it’s happy news just as much as I message them when I know they are down.  I want to have dinner or drinks or whatever for no reason, not just because they got dumped or fired or a bad haircut.

When did we become a society that swarms to the negative? I want my friends to support me on great days, crappy days and ordinary days, and every day in between.

 

 

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Still struggling with some tough decisions but realizing some of the deadlines that are stressing me out are self-imposed.  Oh! Well. Pfffft.  In that case, I can relax a little.

I am still on the path.  Today, someone described my journey as being in a small boat in a large ocean, but asked me to trust that I’d wash up on the right beach at the right time.  I can do that…but it sounds like I might need extra sunscreen along the way.  Remind me, friends, to keep my chin up and keep pushing onward when I want to pull the blankets over my head.

I am working on my other website.

I am working on a book that will be an ebook for Kindle with an option to print.

I have an idea for another ebook.

Row, row, row my boat.

Some People Suck

[pinterest count=”horizontal”] [fbshare type=”button”]

Some people suck.  They take a lot—and by take a lot, I mean from the emotional well, not from any material perspective—and they seldom give anything in return.  When they do give something back, my brain gets so excited, like a $4 win on a penny slot machine, a dopamine hit, that I forget how many times I’ve pulled the emotional lever and come up broke.  Uggg.  Nothing nice to say.  No compliments.  No jokes.  No random observations.  No reaching out.  No gratitude.  Waiting on that next dopamine hit.

Other people don’t suck.  They seek me out to tell me something randomly nice–to show me a photo of their dog napping in a puddle of sunshine, to send me a “Pin” from Pinterest that makes me laugh.  They ring my phone to tell me jokingly that I suck because I haven’t called, and I tell them they suck because first of all I hate the phone and second, they haven’t called me either until now, and we laugh and talk about everything and nothing.

Self-help gurus will tell you to cut out the people who suck and only hang out with the good folks.  Self-help gurus don’t work in offices or cubicles or any such thing, obviously.  Sometimes self-help gurus are idiots; well-meaning, yes, but idiots about how real life goes.

If you’re reading this, you probably don’t suck (well, you might suck just a little).  Sometimes I suck.  I get all introverted and absorbed in whatever’s on my mind, and I don’t notice that I haven’t been reaching out.  I don’t mean to suck.  I mean to give back the love I receive.  I don’t mean to be a penny slot machine that only pays out once in a blue moon.  I mean to be a jackpot, receiving and giving, ding ding ding, lighting up those that share light with me.