Today, I’m choking on one of life’s bitter pills, it seems: someone else wins really, really big, and boom, I feel like I automatically lose. I feel completely knocked on my ass.
There’s the part where I am admittedly jealous, yearning for changes I’ve been trying to put into motion for years. There’s an “ouch” factor, where it just plain stings that I’ve done “all the right things,” so to speak, and not much has changed, except that I’ve grown lonelier and more in debt. There are definitely some heartstrings being pulled, where any remaining hopes and dreams just got balled up and tossed in the gutter… stupid daydreamy fantasies filled with words like “home,” “together,” and “family” that still lingered in the most secret spots of my soul just got ripped right out, roots and all, with no anesthetic.
I feel childish and embarrassed for being jealous. I feel a little angry at myself for not being happier about that big win. I definitely feel disappointed that those cobweb-laden daydreams still cause me so much pain after all the time that’s gone by. Yeah, I’m feeling generally ashamed of myself for not being a kinder, warmer person about this, but for two or three hundred reasons, I feel hurt. You win some, you lose some, and I guess I’m ready for some wins.