Maybe you suck less now

I was thinking about people I’ve cut off, friends and lovers and those in between.

My means of survival is to walk away, shut the door, and keep going forward.

But a pandemic year running smack into a weird year for my personal health and well-being had me wondering about some people out there. Ruminating. Pondering.

Do you gossip less?

Do you cheat less?

Do you tell fewer lies?

Do you value things that can’t be bought?

Do you order the banana split because carpe diem and wear the crazy sweater because you love it and who cares about what anyone else thinks of it?

I’m not ringing those phones, sending those texts, or firing off those emails of inquiry. Just thinking.

I miss the good stuff. I don’t miss the shit show of pain that rained down on me for having some of you in my life for a while. But, yeah, the good was so ridiculously good, wasn’t it?

I had a dream I was calling these people to ask if they loved like I do. In my dream, I was using a flip phone for a while, then a Blackberry. I wanted to know. I want to know. Do you love like I do yet?

Thoughts After a Health Scare

We get wake-up calls along the way in life, nudges from the universe to pay attention.  The loss of a loved one is a wake-up call.  A health scare is another reminder that life is short.

Let me start by sharing that I work 3 jobs and 2 side hustles.  Most weekdays I work from shortly after I wake up until I go to bed.  This is not something I do to wow and dazzle others with my dedication; it’s a necessity to survive at this point.  Weekends typically involve some work, too, no matter how hard I try to keep the grind to weekdays.

I get my annual doctor’s visits done.  I believe in early awareness of health issues so you can turn them around if possible.  In this year’s visits, there was an “anomaly.” The anomaly led to more diagnostic exams and visits where healthcare professionals were careful not to get my hopes up at any point.  The diagnostic exams led to biopsy and pathology.  Ultimately, there was nothing to be alarmed about, but in the time between biopsy and results, I thought a lot about what I want to be doing with my time.

I want time to read.  I want naps with a pile of cats and dogs.   I need to put my toes in the ocean in the early morning.  I need to walk around in places I’ve never been before, sipping coffee and people watching.  Long brunches and dinners without having to check my phone are on the list, too.  Laughter and music need to be more prevalent.  Writing and sharing what I’ve written is time well spent.  The list goes on and on, things I want and need more of in my days and nights.

Nowhere on my list was the urge to work more.  Nowhere on my list was saying “yes” when I mean “no.”

How do I get there from here? That’s the part I’m still figuring out, but I wanted to write all this down as reminder to everyone I know.  I wanted to tell you that this is it: this is our time.  There’s nothing to wait for…postponing delight for when you retire or when you lose weight or when you get a boyfriend or when you get a divorce is all wasting time.

Risky choices, like the ones I mentioned in a Facebook Live video a few weeks ago, are idiotic, and no, I will not get off my soapbox about it.  The “fun” some people are having that puts their lives on the line every time is beyond my comprehension.  Why would you want to risk never seeing another gorgeous sunrise or never smelling puppy breath or never laughing so hard your sides hurt?  I don’t get it.

We don’t live forever, and the fact is that I can’t tell anyone else what they should or shouldn’t do with their days here.  I can have an opinion, which I clearly have, and I can share it, and that’s it.

I can try to lead by example.  I can keep writing.  I can somehow find my way to the beach for a week and find calm in the repetition of the waves.  I can try to rearrange this life of mine a few more times to cut out all these extra jobs soon.  I can try.  I can be grateful that I am here to write these words with a hope and a prayer that maybe these words will inspire someone to seize this day and the next.

Did you miss me?

I’m just gonna call a few of you out that know me well. I haven’t written anything anywhere in…ages. Not one of y’all asked me if I was okay. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty; I just want to point it out: when someone stops doing something they genuinely love, something is WRONG, really wrong. Pay attention to the people you care about.

Also, just gonna use this space to say some of y’all owe me money, lunch, books, and various and sundry other items you borrowed and broke or borrowed and never returned. I’m not mad, but you still need to pony up with gift cards and PayPal asap. Okay? Okay.

Now that we’ve resolved those housekeeping items…what else?

I killed off my website KatieMotivates for financial reasons. I haven’t decided yet if I will revive that site or recreate some of the content here…but there was no drama, just a conscious choice to slash the outflow of cash.

I killed off my Etsy page for the same reason. Sometimes, I would make a bunch of sales on Etsy, but paying them month after month when sales were dry no longer made sense. My crafty stuff sells better in person anyway, so bye-bye, Etsy.

There are some newer essays on Amazon. I could have formatted them to be printable in hard copy, but I decided they were just fine as eBooks. It seems lighter, simpler, to leave them as eBooks.

What else? Working on a couple other writing projects. For a while, I was feeling guilty that I don’t write longer works for publication…and so I was feeling like what I have to share and what I have already shared isn’t “worthy” or it doesn’t measure up.

I realized, though, that those feelings are only standing in the way of my writing. There is no rule that I have to write 10,000 words to matter. There is no law that says I must spend five years cranking out a single tome. I was tripping myself up and standing in my own way…so screw the imaginary rules and I will write because I like to write. I will publish because I like to publish.

Kat’s back…and in the immortal words of the Crank County Daredevils: “I’m back just to piss you off.“

something really good

I had to shrug off that negativity I’d been carrying around in order to say that hellllllll yesssssssssssssssssssss, something really good has been afoot.  Specifically, someone really good has been afoot.

The old cliche about doors closing so something new and wonderful can open for you…I believe it to be true.  I had to get smacked with some huge failures in relationships to be able to fully recognize something good when it showed up…something really, really good…like amazingly wonderfully good, like whoa good, like wow good.  I had to do a lot of work on myself, too, to be able to allow and welcome someone good—there were for sure times in my life when I would’ve turned someone good away because of my own self doubt…but now, I welcome him.

I’ve smiled so much.  I’ve laughed so much.  It’s been a gloriously good time so far.

I want to dedicate songs and poems to this one.  I want to shout it from the rooftops how lucky I am.  I want to tell strangers “I AM SO DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY!”  It feels good.  He is nothing short of fantastic.

That’s not to say every guy I’ve ever dated was horrible (you’re so vain, you probably think this blog is about you)…but you know and I know that if we aren’t still together, it was for the best.  It may have sucked at the time to part ways, but it was for the best so you could find your person and I could find my person.

This guy…he’s great.  He’s friggin’ great.  That’s all you need to know for right now.  I’m a happy Kat.

I wanted to get this off my chest…

…so I can move right along to something more positive.

I thought I’d seen how low someone could go, and I supported their growth and encouraged them to do more, be more and overcome the darkness…I saw the spark, the radiance, the potential of everything they could be, and I tried hard to show them that absolutely everyone is worthy of love and redemption and a second chance…

…only to find out that they still lie, still deceive, as naturally as they breathe.  I briefly considered “ruining” this person, outing their deceit, but I’m not giving it any more of my energy.  Fear not–the love of your life will inevitably be able to follow your sloppy trail without my help…or perhaps your guilt will gnaw at you, eat you alive.  I kind of think, though, that the shadiest characters feel no guilt, no remorse, and that’s what allows them to be repeat offenders.

Fuck off.  Really, just fuck off.