Tag: work

On Call for Over a Decade

I am typing this before 8 AM on Memorial Day while I wait for my breakfast to heat up.  I’m at work.  I have been here since about 6 AM.  The “why” isn’t important, but what is important is that I have been on call for over a decade and I am NOT a brain surgeon or someone else that is tasked with saving the human life.

I am grateful to have a paycheck in a time where it seems jobs are dwindling away, disappearing, vacant positions no longer being filled.  I am grateful for being able to pay my mortgage so I have a home…

but I am not grateful that my kiddo is getting herself ready to go to school with only a text message of “good morning” from me.  I was supposed to be off work; I was going to make bacon and eggs for her and all the things I don’t normally have time to do.  I had a plan for how I was going to spend my morning, my day.

It’s just not right.  It’s not fair.  Yeah, yeah: life isn’t fair, I know.  But when have I done my time so that I don’t have to hustle like this anymore? When have I put in enough effort that I don’t get called on holidays, weekends, sick days, vacation days?

Steps In a New Direction

Even small steps are progress.  I have every intention of building a coaching, speaking and writing business on the side so that I can someday leave the corporate environment, an environment that just is not a fit for me, never was.  I am not cut out for the back stabbing and stepping on people to get what I want, not my thing.  When I tell people about this goal of mine to leave the “normal” work world and blaze my own trail, I have received a lot of eye rolls and snarky comments.

Rather than focus on what sucks, I’m going to focus on the good that I can create.  Haters are gonna hate, and those that are jealous or otherwise not supportive don’t have a vote anyway, so they can say whatever, doesn’t matter.  I know I can make a difference for some people.  I know I can show them ways around, over and through obstacles…and I can show them that some of the obstacles were never really holding them back at all.  I am good with goal setting, time management and encouragement.  I can do this new thing!

My first step in a new direction was to buy a domain name.  I agonized for days over names, asked for a million opinions.  I mean, yeah, you can always change your domain name someday and rebrand yourself, but I wanted to pick a good one that made me smile from the start.  And I have one.  I bought it yesterday.  I’m not saying what it is yet…because next I have to pick a website host and build the first bones of a website.  As soon as I have a little something up, I’ll share.  Picking a name was a baby step in the right direction, a tiny step on a new path, but small as it is, I’m still excited.

falling to pieces

I have been disillusioned.  I cried in traffic, wiping tears with my sleeves.  I was betrayed.  I was interrupted and shut down.  I was disappointed.  I was falling to pieces…

…All this in the span of a few hours in my workday this morning.

I am not cut out for a world of business where we say whatever it takes to seal a deal, but we don’t mean any of it.  I am not a person who views my coworkers as disposable, expendable.  Lies.  Bait and switch.  Bullshit knee deep by 9 AM.  Fake smiles over coffee.  This kind of business world is not okay by me; this is not who I am.

I don’t know if people are born able to spew lies to reach their goals or if they learn to lie on the way up the ladder in the world of work.  I don’t want to learn to lie and smile.  I want to be authentic.  I want to be human, be real, even at work.

Eeeeek, Stop Trying to “Fix” Me

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I’ve noticed lately that to the outside world, how I show up isn’t quite good enough…and the well-meaning do-gooders of the world seem to have no problem telling me how I could improve.  There are perhaps too many unfiltered ambassadors of helpfulness in my social circle right now.  I didn’t ask for their advice, but golly, they sure are generous and overly direct with it.  It’s overwhelming sometimes to get into my happy groove, my positive mindset, feeling unstoppable, and BOOM! There’s someone pointing out all the ways I could be better, look better, live better…and I’m not broken! I don’t want you to try to fix me.

One well-meaning do-gooder wants me to lose weight, take up a specific exercise regime and exist entirely on bars and powders and supplements, oh my!  I hurt my ankle badly last year.  I spent months in agony even when I was sitting down, only doing prescribed stretching and strength training exercises per doctor’s orders.  I gained some weight, yup, but really, it’s been the lowest of my concerns.  I have been permitted in the last couple weeks to finally go for walks (on level surfaces only!) after almost of a year of minimal movement.  On my first walk, I was feeling so exhilarated to finally be able to move without white hot pain, feeling so giddy in the simplicity of taking literal steps forward.  I am so proud and happy of standing on my own two feet!

Another do-gooder thinks I will go farther in my career if I put on “preppy” clothes.  Hmmmmm.  I wear professional clothes to my day gig, but I seldom wear suits.  I am incredibly unproductive in a suit, struggling like a fidgety five year old forced into “church clothes.” In a suit, all I can think about it how I wish I was wearing something else!  I’m feeling accomplished, professional, productive and effective in what I have on, thanks.

Still another do-gooder believes that I will never “find a man” if I continue to wear sneakers all the time.  What!?! After several foot injuries and injuries to both ankles, all in the last decade, I’m pretty much on sneaker patrol all the time.  I am confident that a loving, solid, trustworthy partner won’t care what shoes I wear.  Is this really a thing? Do men only date women in stripper heels? I don’t think I’m buying what you’re selling.

I don’t need “fixing.”  Sure, I’m a work in progress, ever changing, dynamic, but there’s nothing “wrong” with me.  I like me.  I loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove me, sneakers and all.

Happy Valentine’s Day 2014

On this Valentine’s Day, a quote from Paulo Coelho to share: “Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.”

Now, this quote isn’t just about your romantic heart, folks, although that’s certainly a valid quote for romance as well.

This quote for me is about your life’s passion, your heart’s desire.  Do what you love and  love what you do, that sort of mojo.  I’ve spent the last several years pondering what I really want to do with my time, with my work.  I’ve explored some great books and subscribed to some wonderful email newsletters to keep my focus.  I’ve paddled through a sea of self doubt before arriving on the shore ready to rock and roll.  I think I have my head and heart aligned when I say I want to write, coach, speak, train for a living, helping folks consider ways over, around or through what they perceive as their obstacles.  I like to help people get unstuck, and I know I’m good at it.  Maybe we’ll toss a little tarot reading in there for good measure just because I like it and it’s fun.  I’m putting this out there to you, kind reader, and to the Universe to help my dreams and aspirations become real.  It would be a big change from my day job, but I’m so over doing what I “have” to do and what I’m “supposed” to do, and I am ready to do more of what I want to do and what I was born to do.  Can I get an “Amen?!”

On a Valentine’s note, for those in my circle of love, I’m pretty darn sure you know you are loved by me, because I suck at hiding my enthusiasm!  You’re loved every day, not just when Hallmark tells me I should buy a card.

Crappy Day

As expected, I ruined someone’s day today in the course of doing my own job.  That sucks.  As annoyed as I get by people, it’s not my intent to hurt anyone, not even those who’ve wronged me.  I don’t like to make people sad or hurt their feelings.

In this case, it wasn’t anyone who wronged me, just me reporting the facts using the tools I had.  I knew it would not be easy, but I hoped there might be some understanding that I, too, was trying to do my best, that I also had a job to do, a role to play.  It wasn’t personal, doesn’t make me like this person less, but it surely hurt my heart to make them feel sad.

I never planned to be in an office job, never wanted to be anyone’s boss.  I wanted to write and have my words read.  I didn’t want to grade others or be boxed in with rules and tools I didn’t invent.  I just wanted to write.

Life happened and I had to work to pay the bills, and here I am, a boss, playing by someone else’s rules in a game I really don’t like.   I write here in hopes that someday, I will write to earn my keep, instead of writing about earning my keep in ways that are soul crushing.  Today, I crushed someone else, and that crushed me, and all in all, it made for one crappy day.

 

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from ashevegas to las vegas

Leaving Ashevegas for a conference in Las Vegas.  Apparently, I’m supposed to be super excited to go, but I’m not.  Looking forward to the content of the conference itself, but not interested in Vegas.  Not interested in casinos or bright lights or noise or crowds…or hookers or strippers.  Las Vegas is on one of those “last place on Earth I’d ever want to go” lists for me.  Not my thing.  I like quiet.  And darkness.  And personal space.  Everyone I’ve mentioned the trip to is all “you’ll love it, what happens in Vegas…” snorty snort  snort laughter.  It just doesn’t sound fun to me, sorry.  Maybe Vegas will win me over with its charms, but I am skeptical.

Bored.

I’m bored.
If someone has ideas on how to breathe life into doing the same ol’ work, day in and day out, for over a decade in the same place, I’m open to suggestions.
Attitude, I understand that part. I try to stay positive, learn new things and share what I know to help others grow…but I’m still bored. We are in the land of SSDD. I don’t think it’s impossible to shake it…clearly, people make careers in an organization, though it happens less frequently than in our parents’ and grandparents’ lifetimes, and retire from the same place where they started their path. How do you make it new?
If this were a stalled love life, I’d whip out the satin thong or whatever to make it feel exciting and fresh. Somehow, the satin thong just doesn’t do anything for my desk job. If this were a grand romance that had grown cold, I’d be making dinner and cracking open that bottle of wine…the wine is frowned upon in the office. So how do I do it? What do I look forward to other than the end of the work day and work week?

this afternoon…

…was one of those kickass afternoons where you get so much done you wonder why you even bothered to show up the rest of the week if all you really needed was today.

It was like I was all jacked up on Red Bull and iced coffee, but without the Red Bull and iced coffee.  I got things scheduled, got issues resolved and actually (gasp!) used the telephone! 

For those that know my work style, I never use the phone if I can help it–my office desk phone ends up in “out” mode for days because I forget to turn it back on, and I like the out mode: straight to voicemail, no ringydingy.  I’m an email or in-person kinda chick for work things.  I either want it in writing, or I want to see you face to face.  I hate playing phone tag! But today, in my hard-working good cheer, I used the phone, and I used it more than once: shocking!

I crossed items off to do lists.  I worked off the tasks on the post-it notes all over my desk.  I made new lists.  I smiled at people.  I visited a few folks and bounced around finishing things.  It was like the tidal wave of energy to finish projects you get right before you go on vacation…only I’m not going on vacation.  Maybe tomorrow at work will be just like a vacation since I was a whirlwind this afternoon… (a girl can dream!)