Tag: forgiveness

The Realness

Every time I lose a friend to the Reaper’s scythe, I lose a layer in the walls I put up. I become more real, more open. That is the gift from these losses: the realness, my realness.

The realness is not always comfortable for others; I get that. You were not at all prepared for me to tell you in person over your soup and sandwich earnestly that really, truly, all is forgiven, and that every single day, you are loved. Every single day: believe it.

I won’t ever be ashamed of being real. There’s no shame in giving others love, in telling them they are important.

The rules you toss around…”it’s too soon to tell me that” or “it’s too late to say that to me” or “you can’t say that…” Screw the rules. I will tell you what I want you to know, what I need you to know, and I give zero fucks about the rules that dictate what I “should” say or do.

I will not regret giving love. There is no remorse in being kind.

I can only offer you my love; I can’t make you return it. I can only offer you my hand; I can’t make you take it. As long as it is true, I will offer it, unflinching.

I Kind of Care but Not Really

If we are friends, I kind of care what you think about the company I keep…but not really.

I don’t care if you think I should be friends with this person; if I don’t want to be, I’m not gonna.  I don’t make fake nice with people to better my social status or please others.  I mean, I’m not going out of my way to mean or disrespectful, but I’m not kissing someone’s ass just because you think they are super-duper if I don’t share your opinion.

I don’t care if you think I should turn my back on someone you dislike.  If I’ve chosen to forgive and move forward, let it go.  I forgive pretty easily.  I get that humans screw up…sometimes they screw up more often than they get it right, and if I make the choice to forgive their human-ness, drop it.  Or if you just plain don’t like my friend for no real reason other than you just don’t like them, so what?  I don’t want to hear how much you dislike so and so.  I’m not going to make you be on a bowling team with people you dislike, pinky promise.  I can’t make all my friends be friends; that’s so first grade.

Just play nicely.  Don’t wanna play with this person?  Stay outta the sandbox then and do something else.

 

a year of learning

it’s been about a year since my life was turned upside down.  i won’t lie and say it was easy, but i feel totally comfortable now saying i am better for it.

i examined what things really meant to me.  i figured out what my definitions of love, success, abundance and happiness are…and my new definitions aren’t really close to what i would’ve said a year ago.  sometimes, your ass has to be kicked a little to wake up, shake off the ego trip and get down to the nittygritty.  i wouldn’t want to repeat the last year, no way, but i believe it was necessary and important.  i am calmer, happier and more positive as a result of all this, perhaps even more loving and compassionate, too.

i am aware of my own role in how things imploded.  while hindsight shows me the error of some of my choices, i know in the moment, i was doing my best with what i knew how to do.  forgiving myself over the last year has been equally as important as forgiving others.

today, i am at peace as i look back on the messes and the scars, and i feel happy in the present…and i look ahead with hope.

self awareness

 

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i am a goober. i screw up. i burn bridges and then run back across them anyway. i forgive. i hope to be forgiven. i realize things too late. i am stubborn.  i drink whiskey in my hot tea.  i worry.  i love.  i hope to be loved back.  i like those hot pots of soup at the thai place that come with their own little fire underneath.  i forget to filter things i say.  i give more hugs than i used to.  i apologize even when it’s not accepted. i eventually accept apologies i said i wouldn’t accept and hold the words close to my heart.  i blurt things out in emails and think “oh crap” after i’ve already hit send.  i keep secrets.   i am impatient.  i am loyal.  i yearn for my warm hammock that awaits me on an island. i think green juice really rocks.  i don’t want to be tamed or contained.  i want to be appreciated.  i yell sometimes.  i accept the limitations of others.  i am hard on myself.  i take naps.  i love adventures.