Tag: dating

On Second Thought…and Thoughts on Who I Miss

…nah. Not a bad person on that date, just missing a key ingredient that I’ll call “fire.”

I don’t mean “spark” or “chemistry.” For me, spark and chemistry come from intelligence and humor. Smart and funny were present.

I mean fire. I mean a passion to just enjoy the hell out of life. My favorite people, lovers and friends, all want to raise a glass to that gorgeous sunset or sunrise, notice the details, enjoy the moment.  My tribe gets excited about whatever makes them happy.  Maybe I misunderstood, but I sure got the feeling that this person wouldn’t want to “waste” a special occasion on a new person, while I approach life with the idea that every day, every moment, is a special occasion.

So.  Next?

It’s no giant secret that I miss an ex of mine so fiercely that I can hardly stand people who aren’t him.  I know that’s a wound that time will heal eventually, but it is that perpetual elephant always lurking in the room.  I was so open and so brave in that relationship, and I thought we could get through anything together.  I believed in happily ever after.  I’ve wanted him back since the moment we parted ways.  I’ve worked on it, grieved, made peace with it 150 times over, but I miss him.  

Tell him? He knows.  Loving someone enough to let them go is gut wrenching.  If I am not his happy place, let it be known I loved him enough then and love him enough now to want him to be happy. I bow my head, make a wish to love like that again, and keep on keepin’ on.

the quest for smittenosity

fine. i did it.  i freakin’ created an online dating profile. i am not going to find a new romance walking around my house in my pajamas, and the men who flit around the edges of my life aren’t taking any action, so fuck it.  let’s do this thing.

it’s mostly gross. men tell me the vulgar things they want to do to assorted parts of my body. they invite me to sext.  it’s way beyond my comfort zone to be on the damn site to begin with, nevermind the inbox full of lewd comments.

there’s one with intriguing potential, and so far, only one…but will an online rapport translate into a real life connection? clearly it’s easier to be who you want to be online–so sayeth the one writing this post and blogging for over a decade, yo.  we can be anyone online, but then in real life, we are our awkward fumbling selves without a backspace button to undo our dorky mistakes.

i want mutual smittenosity. i am confident that “smittenosity” is a word, and i want it. i want someone to look forward to hanging out with me. i want the giddy eager good stuff: the easy laughter, the crazy kisses, the “cmon, please stay” persuasion.

those are all wants.  i don’t believe i “need” anyone to complete me. i’m not desperate, but there are beautiful moonlit nights that i wish i had someone around to smooch under the stars.

What Would My Personal Ad Say?

I haven’t gotten to the point of placing a personal ad, but I’ve considered it.

What would mine say?

Reclusive Introvert Seeks Independent Beau Who Will Mostly Go Away; Preference Given to Men Who Live Far Away, Work Really Long Hours, and/or Train for Marathons.

Pet Mom Seeks Dude Who Will Make Me Laugh Until I Snort Soda Out My Nose.

Halloween Should Be All Year Round; Message Me If You Agree!

Alpha Female; Delicate Souls Need Not Apply. Seriously. I Will Crush Your Spirit.

Here’s My Number, But, Like, Don’t Call Me; I Don’t Use My Phone For That.

I dunno.  I guess I shy away from all that personal ad business because I’m just not sure the people I adore could be summarized in 50 words or less.  I wouldn’t have picked them based on only their hobbies or their line of work.  I’m also highly dubious about selecting people like you would food off a menu.

I like road trips and great food and laughing, but, man, I gotta be by myself often so I don’t flip out.  I’m not one of those people who gets all immersed in coupledom; doesn’t mean I’m not interested or not incredibly loyal, I’m just not cut out to be joined at the hip with anyone 24/7.

Sigh.  Let’s see how the year shakes out.

 

Well.

I’d like to write something here about romantic love, but it’s hard for me to dive in. It makes me think of earthquakes and lightning and the fires of the very bowels of Hell.

I don’t truly get romantic love, how it should be, how it works, why it’s such a clusterfuck? What I do know is that Every Single Time in my adult life (yes, Every Single Time in caps) that I’ve thought things were deliciously good and we had similar goals and wanted the same things…haha, guess what? I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Here’s something I’ve observed. I’m very driven in my life to improve myself, to learn new things, to grow constantly…so almost by default, my significant other begins to work on improvements, and I encourage it. I encourage applying for jobs that seem out of reach. I encourage reaching for the goals that seems intimidating. I applaud it! And then…they grow on outta here with zip zero zilch loyalty to me…and I’m like, well, fuck.

I don’t require a man to live a delightful life: this I know for sure. But I enjoy having a partner, a significant other, a love. I would like a consistent partner, y’know, as advertised in the brochure, someone as fiercely loyal to me and in it for the long-term haul as I am for them. Someone who is not a ginormous wuss, because I just can’t deal with men who are intimidated by me. Someone who will show up for me again and again. Is that crazy? Is it non-existent? It’s beginning to feel non-existent, and that’s disappointing, because I’ve believed in this possibility for so long.

I don’t believe in Prince Charming. I don’t believe in perfection. I believe in love, loyalty, friendship, and a mutual commitment…and apparently, that’s right up there with believing in Santa Claus, Tooth Fairies, and chupacabra.

I sort of imagined by this point in life, I’d know who’d be by my side at my kiddo’s graduation, who’d see me through empty nesting in a few years. I know sometimes the Universe makes us wait, because something better is coming? I am frustrated by the wait sometimes. I want that totally bullshit silly “Every Kiss Begins With Kay Jewelry” kind of woo. I want to be adored by the one I adore. Flowers. Romance.

I won’t bore you with the specifics of how things keep playing out, but I just want to say that I want the woo. I want a smart and funny man who wants to live life to its breadth and depth, who’ll kiss me like it’s his job, who is as proud of me as I am of him. I want a loyalty as true as mine. I hope this man exists outside the confines of these words and my mind.

valentine’s confession

I have to confess that as zen as I wish I’d been, I was pretty sulky to spend Valentine’s evening all alone. Minime was gone to a friend’s, and I had no invitations.  I couldn’t think of anyone to call, and I didn’t want to be anyone’s third wheel anyway.

I made a plate of nachos and a cup of hot cocoa.  I put on my bathrobe and watched “Monster and Mysteries in America” reruns with the pets…keeping my phone handy in case someone texted or emailed to profess love or invite me somewhere.  No texts, no emails.

I admit I was a little sad to be invisible and solo on Valentine’s Day.  Yeah, I know it’s just a commercial event shoved down our throats by jewelry stores and chocolate companies, but I still like it.  As difficult and stubborn as I may be, I’m still a woman and women like cards and flowers and chocolate!  I’m a sucker for sweet words in a card or letter, so Valentine’s and all its promise of woo was meant for me!! Alas, I was woo-less.

good stuff

Even after hitting an emotional bottom and splitting my soul into bits like Humpty Dumpty earlier this year, I am pleased to report there is still good stuff out there. It is terrifying on many levels to be open to letting someone tiptoe around the edges and into my life, but I am taking some risks, being real, being vulnerable. I won’t let a few bad people from my past rob me of the chance to be happy in the present and in the future. It’s good to laugh and smile again.
It is scary to let the good stuff in, because I know how much it hurts when the good stuff goes away…but I don’t want to miss out on this or any opportunity to be happy. There are risks, but I want to take them. I want to live and love to the full width and breadth and depth of my capability, to feel giddy joy. I want a happily ever after, but a happily right now is better than the isolation of taking no chances. Maybe I will get my happily ever after at last, and maybe I won’t, but I will never know unless I allow the good stuff into my world. I hope the good stuff stays and multiplies.

OMG! Circle YES if you like me

So tomorrow, Minime is going to ask a guy to “go out.” OMG!

Apparently, “going out” is the lingo of her age group when they mutually agree to crush on each other.  When I was her age, I think we just called it “going together.”  It didn’t mean anything—there were no dates or anything, it was just an agreed upon sort of thing usually done by passing a note, circle yes if you like me.

Minime has her little note all prepared, and we talked about what if he said yes.  We also talked about what it would be like if he says no.  She is my kid 100%, this I know for sure, when she rolled her eyes at me and said, Mom, of course he can say no, but it’s ok if he does.  I won’t know if I don’t try.  I’d rather try than wait on him forever!

That’s my girl.