I don’t regret giving love, and I don’t regret trying. I would deeply regret not offering love. I understand I don’t have control over whether someone meets me halfway with equal love and hope. I just keep wishing for new outcomes. I wish for those love letters or surprise flowers on my doorstep. Someday.
Sitting on a couch in Charlotte
Sitting on a couch in Charlotte, NC, thinking deep thoughts. I’m pondering on why I do some of the things I do. For example, today I got some text messages I answered, and some I didn’t…some I just deleted upon receipt. Others I answered with glee, with heart, with delicious anticipation of a response.
I don’t think it would surprise anyone else if I say that in my personal life, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing most of the time. Small scale, I’m sure I want what anyone else wants: I wanna get laid with some regularity, I wanna get flowers and a little romance, I wanna be loved by someone who wants my love…while most might not be so crass in their description, I think those are pretty accurate words to sum it all up.
Beyond that, I seem to get all tripped up. I end up chasing dead ends often. I end up feeling lonely.
The lonely part can be hard to explain. I’m an introvert. I like and need to be alone a lot, but I still want to know someone is there for me. I need someone who loves me but has their own shit to do, who is glad to see me but won’t cling to me like I’m their life raft.
I’m still somehow a heart on my sleeve optimist. I make myself vulnerable, get hopeful, and the same old hammer drops, but with different characters. Different players, but same ending.
I’m not sure why this song lyric has been replaying in my head all day, but it’s nonstop. “What I wanted is what I wanted; what I wanted is what she wanted.” It’s from an STP song. Is it because I *think* I know what the other person wants, but I find out I’m wrong and end up empty-handed/empty-hearted every time to this point?
I want to be pursued…is that possible? I know that I’m hard to approach as both an introvert and an Alpha wolf type of personality. I’m both fierce and solitary, but dammit all to hell, I am so loyal to my people, my tribe. If I ever loved you as my partner, surely to goodness if nothing else, you can attest to my loyalty and fidelity even on your worst days. I believe in my lovers, their magic and their potential, even when they have forgotten it for themselves.
This is all a confusing ramble because my thoughts and feelings are a jumble. My bed is empty, and while that’s an overshare, so what? I speak my tangled up truths and wish for something different.
What Would My Personal Ad Say?
I haven’t gotten to the point of placing a personal ad, but I’ve considered it.
What would mine say?
Reclusive Introvert Seeks Independent Beau Who Will Mostly Go Away; Preference Given to Men Who Live Far Away, Work Really Long Hours, and/or Train for Marathons.
Pet Mom Seeks Dude Who Will Make Me Laugh Until I Snort Soda Out My Nose.
Halloween Should Be All Year Round; Message Me If You Agree!
Alpha Female; Delicate Souls Need Not Apply. Seriously. I Will Crush Your Spirit.
Here’s My Number, But, Like, Don’t Call Me; I Don’t Use My Phone For That.
I dunno. I guess I shy away from all that personal ad business because I’m just not sure the people I adore could be summarized in 50 words or less. I wouldn’t have picked them based on only their hobbies or their line of work. I’m also highly dubious about selecting people like you would food off a menu.
I like road trips and great food and laughing, but, man, I gotta be by myself often so I don’t flip out. I’m not one of those people who gets all immersed in coupledom; doesn’t mean I’m not interested or not incredibly loyal, I’m just not cut out to be joined at the hip with anyone 24/7.
Sigh. Let’s see how the year shakes out.
Gettin’ My Crafty On
I haven’t been writing or working on some of my other entrepreneurial ideas as much because an opportunity popped up to share my cameo pendants at a craft show…and I also got a couple offers to consign my jewelry at local shops. Say what?! Crazy cool.
I hand pour into the mold for each cameo, I hand paint each one and add shading, and then I assemble the whole shebang. I have some traditional cameos of women in profile, but I prefer to make the more gothy ones with skulls and fairies. Cameos for your inner badass. Cameos for the rock n roller at heart. I’m pondering putting these on Etsy, too.
The interest in these is so exciting, because I freakin’ love making them. We’ll see what happens next!
OK Eek
So, I work a couple of jobs to make ends meet. I have a serious big ol’ ginormous ethical sort of issue with one job, so I gave notice. Today’s my last day. I feel brave, but I also feel scared outta my mind about what’s next.
I don’t work a couple jobs because it’s awesome; I work a couple jobs because I need the funds to pay the bills. I’ve applied for some things and haven’t heard a peep.
If we are connected on the social media platforms, you might see me promoting various things I’m working on…don’t feel obligated to buy or participate in anything that’s not your thing, but shares and tags for people who might be a fit are always appreciated.
Catch me, Universe, since I’m taking a step without seeing the stairs in front of me.
I’ll Just Vague Blog About It
Vaguebooking: Being intentionally vague in your Facebook posts to the annoyance of everyone that reads your post.
Vagueblogging: Same damn thing, just doing it on my blog because I don’t do it on Facebook.
Got some news today that disappointed me. Even though I can be a stubborn grouch, I am a believer in possibilities, a holder of hope. Today I learned a little beacon of hope I’d been clinging to for a long time was gone. Choices were made. Doors permanently locked. Fuck fuck fuck. Yeah.
Funny how a few words on a screen can make you feel like you were punched in the gut. All I needed was a quick glimpse at some words and I felt like I was falling, tumbling downnnnnnnnnnn into a hole full of suck. I’ve tried to rebound and recover today, but I’m just plain sad over it. I had hopes and wishes and they got bulldozed. The world apparently isn’t all about me…who knew?
I guess as a grouchy optimist that I will continue to hold hope that maybe I’ll see some other words from other sources that renew my spirit. Tell me something good. Tell me a secret. Make me smile.
Vague enough? You’re welcome.
Message in a Bottle?
If you sent me an email in the last 6 months through one of my websites, you probably would’ve had better luck reaching me via a message in a bottle or carrier pigeon. I just learned that I was having an email delivery issue for SIX MONTHS!
My apologies to anyone received a belated reply. The issue has been resolved. I’ve replied to the emails I received, so if you haven’t heard from me, please try again. So sorry! Yikes.
Dreams That Leave You Sad
I’m not a big boohoo-er, not a big weeper when I see a sappy commercial or sad movie. I woke from a dream this morning and burst into tears. The dream felt so real that waking to reality was just a sharp smack in the face.
I have a friend that I used to be super close with…movie dates, meals, hanging out, stupid private jokes…a friend for a long time. Friend partnered up, and friend’s partner doesn’t dig me, so all those magical times are no more. Hell, it’s rare that I lay eyes on my friend in person anymore.
In my dream, it was the present day, but all of this was different. Friend’s partner wasn’t in the dream. There was adventure. There was laughter. There was wasted time drinking coffee and making snarky jokes. It felt so good. In my dream, I remembered just how important this person was in my life and what a void the absence had created, how freaking whole the world felt with my friend back.
And then I woke up. Damn. Ouch. The feeling was like grieving, only this person is alive and well. Holy crap, wow, it hurt my heart and soul. Grieving for the departed living.
Lately…
…I’ve been wondering if I’m being humored, like a pat on the head for a loyal canine companion…or if doors once slammed in my face and locked tight are opening just a crack to let me in?
I want to be let in, and the guardian of that particular gate knows it. So.
Tossing me a milkbone so I’ll piss off for a while or opening the door so I can bound inside and stay warm by that fire? Remains to be seen.
I suppose I could ask outright, y’know? Hey, what’s this all about? What’s the meaning of all this? Is there a meaning to all this? I wish there was a meaning to all this! I would like to apply a meaning to all of this!!
I’m always the asker, the blurter, the no filter brave one…and I’d like to not have to do that again here because…because. Because I’m stubborn. Because I’m proud. Because I’m loyal. Because I deserve to be on the receiving end of some good news.
I Have Clearly Angered the Business Travel Gods
My last two business trips have resulted in me being trapped in a faraway city in a semi-crappy hotel without my suitcase…shuttling out in the wee hours in the dark in a hotel van that smells like pee and Febreze to stand in line in yesterday’s clothes so TSA can scrutinize my IUD on the body scan machine while my stomach growls and the clock ticks and I pray I don’t miss another damn flight. Awesome.
I’m not sure how I’ve angered the fickle gods of business travel, but I humbly ask their forgiveness. I beg for elbow room on my future flights, and please oh please a seat that’s not right next to the bathroom on a cross-country flight. Let my airplanes be well-maintained and timely that I might arrive for work on time and get home before I run out of clean socks. Amen, namaste, yowza.