Category: Uncategorized

Still here.

Still all up in my feelings sometimes…and you?

 

Noah Cyrus’ voice is a wow kind of thing.
“Find someone that loves you
Better than I do, darling, I know…”

I’m just gonna call a few of you out that know me well. I haven’t written anything anywhere in…ages. Not one of y’all asked me if I was okay. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty; I just want to point it out: when someone stops doing something they genuinely love, something is WRONG, really wrong. Pay attention to the people you care about.

Also, just gonna use this space to say some of y’all owe me money, lunch, books, and various and sundry other items you borrowed and broke or borrowed and never returned. I’m not mad, but you still need to pony up with gift cards and PayPal asap. Okay? Okay.

Now that we’ve resolved those housekeeping items…what else?

I killed off my website KatieMotivates for financial reasons. I haven’t decided yet if I will revive that site or recreate some of the content here…but there was no drama, just a conscious choice to slash the outflow of cash.

I killed off my Etsy page for the same reason. Sometimes, I would make a bunch of sales on Etsy, but paying them month after month when sales were dry no longer made sense. My crafty stuff sells better in person anyway, so bye-bye, Etsy.

There are some newer essays on Amazon. I could have formatted them to be printable in hard copy, but I decided they were just fine as eBooks. It seems lighter, simpler, to leave them as eBooks.

What else? Working on a couple other writing projects. For a while, I was feeling guilty that I don’t write longer works for publication…and so I was feeling like what I have to share and what I have already shared isn’t “worthy” or it doesn’t measure up.

I realized, though, that those feelings are only standing in the way of my writing. There is no rule that I have to write 10,000 words to matter. There is no law that says I must spend five years cranking out a single tome. I was tripping myself up and standing in my own way…so screw the imaginary rules and I will write because I like to write. I will publish because I like to publish.

Kat’s back…and in the immortal words of the Crank County Daredevils: “I’m back just to piss you off.“

It’s been about a month since I’ve posted. It’s been a weird month.

Some things have surprised me, like the delightful ease of spending a Sunday in the kitchen in excellent company, listening to music and making recipes from the Seitanic Spellbook. Some things have pissed me off, like still being treated like someone’s dirty secret all these years later. I was disappointed, too, by someone completely obliterating my feelings and not even offering an apology of any kind. I was heartened by friends rallying around me when I’ve needed them.

I broke a finger. I buried my oldest dog. I made vegetarian chili. I cried in front of coworkers. I was both bold and incredibly vulnerable in private. I made plans for the future, and I trashed some other plans.    I forgave some bullshit. I was embarrassed by what some people remember me by after more than a decade. I decided not to be embarrassed by what people will think of me for forthcoming choices.

I made some jewelry. I stood by old friends and new. I believed in possibilities, and I took some chances. I let someone else drive more than once. I threw myself in a mosh pit.  I spoke some truthy truths, and I also held my tongue when it wasn’t useful to speak up.

I told some bummer stories. I laughed so hard I peed. I channeled some spirits, and I shut down some energy I didn’t want. I wished a friend happy birthday as I’ve done for the last 20 years without a peep of a response from him.

I gave a lot of fucks. Sometimes I gave no fucks at all. I felt a lot rage, and I meditated my way into peace. Sometimes I meditated myself right to sleep.

I remembered some things I’d forgotten. I absolutely gave up on some people, and I absolutely gave myself over to others.

So much in one month. It’s been a weird month, but it’s been a month well-lived. I have reveled in every day. I have read poetry in the bathtub and sent it to others.

Today’s a new moon, and it’s a day to plant the seeds for the month ahead. I plant the intentions of steadfast commitment, joyous love, satisfying work, and an abundance of laughter. I have gratitude for all that has transpired and all that will unfold.

Started a new schedule this week, and next week I add my second job layers on top, so I’m just a wee bit discombobulated right now.
Running in circles some of the time, running to stand still other times…it will be sorted out soon enough. Bear with me.

Maybe it was an epiphany. Or maybe I’m just a little slow in figuring things out.

Either way, it hit me while spreading ice melt ’round the parking lots at work on this freakin’ cold morning that maybe one of the reasons I feel no closure on most things is related to my ADD. Not an excuse, just a sudden awareness of how fast the channels flip in my brain, and that I never really mourn or grieve or process much of anything…I’m always on to the next thing, on to the next thing, on to the next thing…until the old thing pops back up again for a minute to sink its teeth in until it stings, then on to the next thing yet again.

When I was younger, I remember doctors thinking I was depressed or whatever because I couldn’t focus, couldn’t keep my thoughts or feelings going down the straight and narrow…when someone finally thought to give me an ADD test, I wasn’t a kid anymore and I sure as heck knew I wasn’t depressed, and it was like ding ding ding, we have a winner—if one can pass an ADD test with flying colors, I did just that very thing. Restless. Disorganized. Trouble listening even when I really, really want to listen. Distracted. Haven’t outgrown it. I can work around it, mostly.

Mostly.

Where it keeps popping up is when the thoughts spin, when I get tired and stressed, and something old and unresolved jumps up, like a horrible Whack A Mole game from hell with no end in sight. It goes like: work, family, work, work, hunger, friends, work, thirsty, fatigue, HEY HERE’S A BUNCH OF UNRESOLVED ANGER/GRIEF/FEAR RIGHT HERE COMIN’ AT YA, work, work, family, NO SERIOUSLY HERE’S SOME MUCK YOU SHOULD REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY FEEL RIGHT NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW, friends, work, stress, family, hunger, ARE YOU FEELING THOSE FREAKIN FEELINGS OR WHAT BECAUSE HERE THEY ARE AGAIN.

No resolution, just awareness. Awareness is good.

And here’s John Taylor’s “Feelings Are Good” from the wonderfully named CD “Feelings Are Good and Other Lies.”

A friend told me this week that the blogs I publish outside this space are much nicer than the ones here, so this is my gentle public service reminder: World Famous Katbox is my personal blog, not my business blog.  On my personal blog, I’ll talk about whatever’s on my mind, and if we are honest with each other, I doubt even the nicest among us are all rainbows and unicorns 24/7.  Just as often as we are happy or wildly in love, we are disappointed, angry, or all alone.

Posting in the Katbox has kept me sane through divorce and other important breakups.  When one of my friends and I parted ways over an ethical difference, it was this space that allowed me to save myself and not take to the bed for a week.  Sometimes what I have to say is not so nice on this blog, but I always speak my truth, my perspective, not an effort to defame anyone else.

If you cheated on me, hit me, lied to me, lied about me, and/or did my kid wrong, you shouldn’t be surprised to see me vent here.  You knew I was a writer and a blogger, and writers write.  I protect you by never naming real names here, so your guilt and shame are yours to carry around; I never named you specifically, never called you out by name, place, nor the specifics of your wrongdoings.

Some days, Katbox blog posts will be not so nice, and that’s okay, because this is my space.  I invite you to read in case something resonates with you, connects, and we can move forward in this together.