Maybe it was an epiphany. Or maybe I’m just a little slow in figuring things out.
Either way, it hit me while spreading ice melt ’round the parking lots at work on this freakin’ cold morning that maybe one of the reasons I feel no closure on most things is related to my ADD. Not an excuse, just a sudden awareness of how fast the channels flip in my brain, and that I never really mourn or grieve or process much of anything…I’m always on to the next thing, on to the next thing, on to the next thing…until the old thing pops back up again for a minute to sink its teeth in until it stings, then on to the next thing yet again.
When I was younger, I remember doctors thinking I was depressed or whatever because I couldn’t focus, couldn’t keep my thoughts or feelings going down the straight and narrow…when someone finally thought to give me an ADD test, I wasn’t a kid anymore and I sure as heck knew I wasn’t depressed, and it was like ding ding ding, we have a winner—if one can pass an ADD test with flying colors, I did just that very thing. Restless. Disorganized. Trouble listening even when I really, really want to listen. Distracted. Haven’t outgrown it. I can work around it, mostly.
Mostly.
Where it keeps popping up is when the thoughts spin, when I get tired and stressed, and something old and unresolved jumps up, like a horrible Whack A Mole game from hell with no end in sight. It goes like: work, family, work, work, hunger, friends, work, thirsty, fatigue, HEY HERE’S A BUNCH OF UNRESOLVED ANGER/GRIEF/FEAR RIGHT HERE COMIN’ AT YA, work, work, family, NO SERIOUSLY HERE’S SOME MUCK YOU SHOULD REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY FEEL RIGHT NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW, friends, work, stress, family, hunger, ARE YOU FEELING THOSE FREAKIN FEELINGS OR WHAT BECAUSE HERE THEY ARE AGAIN.
No resolution, just awareness. Awareness is good.
And here’s John Taylor’s “Feelings Are Good” from the wonderfully named CD “Feelings Are Good and Other Lies.”