I think I’m good now, I think all’s right in KatLand…I think I’ve stopped randomly blurting out nice things, thank gawd. I don’t think I’ve shared any sensitive feelings or made myself vulnerable in at least 3 or 4 days, so I think I’m cool. I’m cool.
Aww hell, I did hug someone today that I haven’t seen in a couple years. Twice.
And I think I offered to tuck someone into bed that was in a world of hurt, aches and pains today. Crap.
What is the dealio? Is this what I get mid-thirties, some sort of rainbows and unicorns nonsense emanating out of every pore like, like, like someone who likes people! BLECH! I am freaking myself out at this point.
So I need to focus, perhaps wallow, in misery and bitterness–do this with me now and see if together we can rally up some good ol’ Kat angst and woe: I’m broke, I’m lonesome, there’s no chocolate in the house, no one ever calls me (ok, so I seldom answer the phone, but whatever, I’m attempting to wallow). Hmmm. Still not feeling it, even though all those things are pretty true. Let me try again: woe is me I’m freakin’ lonesome and when I clip my crackberry to my pants they fall down on one side and sometimes I try to flip the pillow over to the cool side but there’s not a cool side somehow and that’s really frustrating and there’s this cobweb in the corner of the bathroom that I can’t reach because I’m too short and semi-afraid to put the stepstool in the bathtub as that sounds like a disaster a’brewin’…I think this might be working!! More, more: I had to fix the broken lever in the toilet in Minime’s bathroom myself tonight which is like all empowering and ridiculously depressing all in one fell swoop since that means I’m the only grownup in the house so I had to teach myself what to do all alone…..alone. Yep. That did it. I’m good and bitter and sad and angst-y and everything now. All we have to do is get to the alone part, that does the trick every time. Sigh.
And do I want to be alone? Yes. No. Yes. Probably. Probably not. Not all the time. Depends on who keeps me company. I mean, I chose this, I chose to be where I am now, so this struggle between being nice and letting people into KatLand or just shutting them out entirely, that’s a tough one.
Even if there are rainbows and unicorns lurking around every corner, it’s good to know that at heart, yep, I’m still miserable—there’s comfort to be found in the familiarity of that feeling, you know?