Dear Justin Timberlake:

Dear Justin,

I’m writing to let you know that you owe me 2 hours of my life back.  I just watched Alpha Dog and I want to travel back in time and not put the DVD in tonight. 

JT, I appreciate you shirtless just as much as the next female with a pulse, perhaps even more so, but wow. Whoa.  This was horrible. HORRIBLE!  Not even like fun horrible, just horrible.

So for those snoopers reading this private note written specifically to you, JT, I’ll let them know that Alpha Dog is the story of a bunch of stoners and the guy they “kidnapped.”  My man Justin spends a good portion of this film shirtless, and even this was not enough to make it tolerable.

Supposedly based on a true story, the whole plot revolves around using the “F” word every 2nd or 3rd word while getting high.  The story is so weak, so dreadfully predictable.  But I tried! Oh, Justin, I tried to hang on, waiting for it to get better…it only got worssssssssssssssssssssssse.

Justin, please—don’t do this to me again.  I’m going to put the DVD back in its little red Netflix wrapper and put it in the mail and pretend like this never happened.  I’m going to youtube and I’m going to see if you can bring sexy back and bleach Alpha Dog from my brain.

I still love you,

Kat

Ouch, My Eye!

This afternoon turned out to be a lovely day for our rec league soccer game.  We faced off against a really fun team and were having a grand ol’ time…until… 

A ball got caught in the wind and landed smack in my left eye.  SPLAT! It didn’t hit me hard enough to do too much damage, so I blinked to shake it off, but then couldn’t see anything at all!  I don’t know if it was the impact to my eye or all the sand (this particular field could’ve been mistaken for a beach), but I couldn’t see a flippin’ thing!  I tottered, I reeled, I fell face down.  It was fantastic–nothing like that has ever happened to me before.  I rolled over and while I could hear my concerned fellow players, I couldn’t see them for several seconds.  Finally, my vision cleared and I got to my feet to play on, but damn, I wish I had the tottering and reeling on video!

Play on, freaks, play on!

A few words for Chris…r.i.p.

Christopher G. Reuther 1973-2007

It’s been almost a year since you left us, Chris, and while I still can’t talk about how it happened without turning into a sobbing wreck, I can talk about you and our adventures without feeling sad.  You were a great friend all those years, from eating too many peppermints in the library in 8th grade with me right up through your travels in April 2007. Thank you for pointing out “Eat Me” on the Beastie Boys album cover and for sitting with me on the bus on field trips instead of with the guys.  Thank you for enduring “The Doors” movie at Biltmore Square even though I’m pretty sure you didn’t want to see that one at all!  Thank you for making me laugh so hard on my wedding day and for all those wonderful photos you took.  Thank you for sending me goofy stuff in the mail and for letting me order the jerk chicken pizza even though I could tell you wanted something else entirely, but the ice cold Kashmir IPA we could both agree upon.

You were special to so many people all around the world, and I know that I was blessed to be your friend.  Miss you, buddy.

Dear guy who drove into my car:

I know it was just an accident.  Accidents happen.  HOWEVER! 

First, I’d like you to get off your cell phone.  I know, I know: everyone talks and drives now, but you in particular have proven that you can’t do both, so no more cell phone whilst driving and hopefully you’ll stay out of bigger accidents than this.  Some people can’t walk and chew gum, you can’t talk and drive.  The huge gash in the bumper of my car illustrates this point if you have any questions.

Second on my list of things to cover is the concept of driving in downtown Asheville: there are a whole lot of people trying to get somewhere at 5 PM, not just you.  There are also a whole big bunch of traffic lights to regulate traffic.  When the light is red, that means stop.  My stopped car is not an irritating obstacle for you to drive into or over and it’s nothing personal: we ALL have to stop when the light is red.  Yes, even you.

Third, I really won’t apologize for the exciting and educational string of cuss words that flew out of my mouth when I got out of my car.  I was pissed, and I am still pretty freakin’ annoyed today with my sore back and neck.  I am grateful, though, that I have great insurance that will make sure I have a rental car while the nice folks at Putnam’s replace the bumper on my car, and I am grateful that the accident was minor and I’m still around to type this.

I know it was just a booboo, a momentary error, so there’s no grudge (even though I may kick your SUV over and over the first time I see it parked downtown, just to make sure it’s all out of my system) really.  But please be a little more careful.  I know you’ve reminded me to be on the alert, so I’m reminding you…

Love,
Her Royal Katness, Queen of All That Is and Will Be