I Woke Up Needing Validation

I woke up very unlike myself.  I woke up needing praise, needing validation, needing an atta girl and there was none to be found.  I woke up needing to be told I’m the awesomest person in the world.  And at 5:30 AM, there was no one around to do that.

Sigh.

So I got on the treadmill and climbed hills for a few minutes, thinking a little accomplishment early in the day would be a great beginning.  I climbed til my ass hurt, but it didn’t do much for me.  I even soaked in a hot bubble bath post-treadmill, and a bubble bath usually fixes everything, but…no.

On the surface, all is well.  Underneath it all, I am unsettled.  Too many things are up in the air and I prefer to be in control, so I think maybe that’s where the nervousness and neediness come into play this morning.  As I sip my requisite Diet Coke, I’m trying to make a mental list of what I am in control of and what I know I’m doing well to see if I can bring myself back to more comfortable footing…

really, it’s another survey!

  Why should my myspace friends have all the joy of my compulsive over-sharing of random tidbits??? Another survey for my blog friends, this a lengthy one:

Pick a word that begins with the first letter of your first name?
kefir


Have you ever been in handcuffs?
for many reasons, some of them incredibly fun

 

Have you ever caught anything on fire?
not on purpose

How long is your hair when it’s wet?
about as long as it is when it’s dry!

What was the last thing you took a bite of?
the “porridge” i make for breakfast for the week

What are you wearing on your feet?
air

How many times do you talk on the phone a day on average?
on average, once or less really.

Do you usually have weird dreams?
When I can sleep, I have freakin’ crazy dreams, sometimes really scary.

Do you like your bed?
oh yes, I picked it out, though I kinda wish I’d sprung for the king size
Do you log on to MySpace every day?
most days

Is your profile private? Why/why not?
yes because people are f-ing crazy, that’s why

Do you drink pop?
vast amounts of diet coke during the day, water the rest of the time

What are you listening to?
“I’m the One” Static-X
Have you ever been to NYC?
nope
What are you thinking about right now?
a lot of things, including being a secret agent like Chuck Barris
What color is your keyboard?
black

Have you ever been on an airplane?
yup, started early.  my granddad had his pilot’s license and a small plane.
Marriage in your future?
I would have to say no to that, unless there was some kind of health insurance or similar issue that could only happen if I was legally wed.   Otherwise, it’s a Kurt and Goldie thing for me if I get to choose my destiny.

Are you wearing socks?
no

Do you like your life?
yes, I’d like to tweak a thing or two, but otherwise all’s well

Do you have trust issues?
I would have to say yes
Do you believe in love at first sight?
No, but I believe in instinct, the little voice that steers you away from the ones that are no good to the one that is perfect for you.  Don’t ignore your instinct, folks, especially the little voice that tells you to run the other way!

In the past 72 hours have you been under the influence?
possibly

How has this past week been for you?
Busy.  Hectic.

Last person of the opposite sex to give you a hug?
My brother.
Do you hate that person?
No, but we punch each other a lot.

Any fun plans for today?
Day’s almost done.  Homework ahead.

Is the last person you held hands with attractive?
Yes.

Who are you disappointed in right now?
Who? Wow.  Ummm.  A few people have dropped the ball lately, but I try to move on from the disappointment pretty quickly.
When was the last time something bothered you?
When I had to buy all those school supplies—my child does not need 3 boxes of Kleenex in a year, so who the hell am I supplying?

Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
I believe I have, but they shattered mine to bits first…they just didn’t think I’d walk away from the pain, they thought I’d stay and wallow in it forever and ever.
Would you ever date a friend’s ex?
Probably not.
Do tattoos and piercings excite you?
I am right fond of my own ink.

Have you ever kissed someone and never saw them again?
Oh yes, very dramatic stuff in my teen years.

Do you know anyone whose name starts with a Z?
Very well.
I’ll bet you’re missing someone right now?
Certainly am.

When was your last encounter with the police?
License checks galore the night we last karaoked.

Have you kissed in the rain?
Yeah

Is there anyone that you care more about than yourself?
Minime

Is there something you wish you could tell someone but you can’t?
Uhhhhh. Nope. Not right now.

Are there any previous relationships you wish could have lasted longer?
Nah, everything plays out as it should.
Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
oh yes

What song is stuck in your head?
nothing stuck, but now I’m listening to TSOL’s “Colors”

Someone knocks on your bedroom window at 2 am, who do you want it to be?
My bedroom window is kinda high up so it might be that floating vampire kid from Salem’s Lot so I can’t look to see who it is, I’m gonna have to pull the covers over my head and wish him away.
Wanna have kids before you’re 30?
did that

Name something you have to do tomorrow?
work

Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?
Yes

Do you smile a lot?
Some days I grin like the village idiot, other days I sneer and snarl
Who was your last missed call?
Chiquita while I was watching The Lost Boys 2


Do you get 8 hours of sleep everyday?
no

Is there anyone you wish you could fix things completely with?
I believe I’ve mended all I can mend thus far.
Have you ever worn the opposite sex’s clothing?
You know, there are few things better than sleeping in your man’s shirt, the one you just stripped off him an hour ago, the one that smells like him.  I miss that shit.
What was the last movie you watched at home?
Lost Boys 2 this morning

In the theaters?
Get Smart maybe?

Look behind you, what do you see?
bed

What are you doing right now?
finishing this survey on my blog and getting ready to do more homework.  Good night, blog-reading friends.

 

 

I look forward to the day, oh yes

I look forward to the day when Minime’s tweenage daughter communicates primarily by rolling her eyes.  The eye roll of “ohmygod Mom, you’re so stupid.”  The eye roll of “yes I heard you but I’m not really listening.”  The eye roll of “I can’t wait until I’m 18 and can live in a super cool apartment with other beautiful people such as myself and we’ll be rich and fabulous and everyone will be so super jealous.”

Yes, I look forward to that wonderful day.  Until then, I can only watch Minime’s eyerolling antics and know that she’ll get double the trouble she gives me.  Ah, tweenagers…good times.

Graduation

My mom got her first college credential last night, crossing the stage in her cap and gown at the Thomas Wolfe Auditorium.  While my mom and I don’t always see things eye to eye in the daily matters of life, I have nothing but pride for her accomplishment.  It’s really cool that she wanted to go to college and see it through at this point in her life as a mother and a grandmother, as a working woman and a wife.  She graduated with honors of course; that’s probably where I get my “is there something higher than an A+ that I could work toward?” ethic in school.  Good job, Mom, bravo!

My mind wandered all over the place during the ceremony.  When my brother wasn’t trying to get me to punch him (I had to scoot over a seat so he’d stop poking me with his elbow on purpose), I was thinking about crossing that same stage a couple times myself.  My high school graduation was in that auditorium.  I remember they made me wear white dress shoes with our pastel graduation gown: ack, white shoes AND a pastel gown, offend the girl in black in every way possible!!!  The shoes were slick on the bottom since they were new; I was worried I was going to bust my clumsy ass (being clumsy and lacking grace has been a lifelong trait, nothing new) in front of everyone, but I made it across the stage and back to my seat safely.  At the end of the ceremony, we all tossed our caps high.  I left mine in the auditorium, no interest in trying to figure out which was mine in the mayhem when I just wanted out of there.  The next afternoon, I went to work at my job in the music and video department of PharMor, and my manager handed me my cap–it had a big note on it from the class clown, such a smartass even to this day: “Hey, found this in my bed this morning…”  What a weasel.  I thought it was funny as hell until I realized my manager thought my classmate really did find it in his bed.

I crossed the same stage again when I got my first college degree in my twenties.  It had been a long, challenging road to get that degree.  I was divorced.  I worked full time, went to school full time and took care of my baby girl in the hours that remained of the day.  I slept very little, more than likely fostering the beginnings of the sleep problems I still have today.  Couldn’t tell you how many times I studied for a test with a baby on my shoulder, usually a sick wailing baby since Minime had about 300 million ear infections when she was tiny…by the time I finished school, she was a sweet little toddler who shouted out “That’s my mommy!” when I stepped up on the stage.  The happy voice of a proud little girl made every part of that hard educational journey worthwhile. 

I know that everyone who crossed the stage last night had challenges and hardships and probably times where they wanted to throw in the towel, drop out of college and forget about it.  It’s above and beyond awesome that they stuck with it, Mom included.  May you all reach every goal you set out to achieve!

this afternoon…

…was one of those kickass afternoons where you get so much done you wonder why you even bothered to show up the rest of the week if all you really needed was today.

It was like I was all jacked up on Red Bull and iced coffee, but without the Red Bull and iced coffee.  I got things scheduled, got issues resolved and actually (gasp!) used the telephone! 

For those that know my work style, I never use the phone if I can help it–my office desk phone ends up in “out” mode for days because I forget to turn it back on, and I like the out mode: straight to voicemail, no ringydingy.  I’m an email or in-person kinda chick for work things.  I either want it in writing, or I want to see you face to face.  I hate playing phone tag! But today, in my hard-working good cheer, I used the phone, and I used it more than once: shocking!

I crossed items off to do lists.  I worked off the tasks on the post-it notes all over my desk.  I made new lists.  I smiled at people.  I visited a few folks and bounced around finishing things.  It was like the tidal wave of energy to finish projects you get right before you go on vacation…only I’m not going on vacation.  Maybe tomorrow at work will be just like a vacation since I was a whirlwind this afternoon… (a girl can dream!)

this is a good survey…

SOUNDTRACK TO MY LIFE  SURVEY!

(of course, this is ever-changing, so what is true today might not be true tomorrow)

Waking Up:
this morning’s selection was It’s Coming Down, Danzig, but I think yesterday was Johnny Cash and George Michael, I’m pretty random in the morning
Average Day:
Unglued, Stone Temple Pilots
Falling In Love:
there are a few actually… “Bitch,” Rolling Stones, to remind me that, well, love: it’s a bitch; “All I Want,” Howard Jones; “Nice,” Duran Duran…and whatever songs we have in common, ya know, the songs that make you think of your beloved when you hear them.

Love Scene:
so is this like a shmoopy i love you kiss kiss kiss do you love me love scene or like a knocking the lamp off the nightstand thing?  i’m gonna go with the nightstand and select Back in the Nasty, Crank County Daredevils

Fight Scene:
Mama Said Knock You Out! LL Cool J

or maybe Crazy Bitch is a better choice?
Breaking Up:
Mommy Can I Go Out and Kill Tonight, Misfits or Fucking Hostile, Pantera, because I am a ray of sunshine.  or if I’m wallowing in self-pity, Untouchable Face, Ani DiFranco, or Stay or Leave, DMB.

Getting Back Together:
is it a good getting back together or a resigned-to-my-horrible-fate getting back together?  I’m gonna go with Wicked Game by Chris Isaak.
Secret Love:
welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.  how’s about Stone Temple Pilots Still Remains…good song…sing along:

She holds my hand we share a laugh,
Slipping orange blossom breezes –
Love is still, sweat remains
A cherished gift, unselfish feeling…
I’d beg for you, you know I’ll beg for you.
She tells me things, I listen well
Drink the wine and save the water –
Skin is smooth, I steal a glance
Dragon flies are gliding over…

Life’s Okay:

today, i guess i’d pick…hmmmm…something by R.E.M.

Driving:
when i’m driving alone, anything loudddddd….this morning was Slayer, Bitter Peace, as I slid sideways into the parking lot

Learning A Lesson:
Tainted Love, Soft Cell
Happy Dance:
Love Shack, B-52s

Regretting:
hmmmmm i don’t really do regrets, so i’ll go with Sid Vicious’ rendition of My Way

Long Night Alone:
that’s the usual, long night alone…last night i fell asleep so no soundtrack, but the night before it was Johnny Cash’s covers of “hurt” and “thirteen” on repeat

My birthday!

Sure, my birthday’s not until September 5, but let’s get a plan in place!

Saturday Sept 6, let’s go play paintball that morning.  And that night, let’s go eat copious amounts of food and rock out some serious karaoke—sake, anyone?!  Ooooo and there better be chocolate cake. 

What do I want for my birthday?? Hmmm.  I think I already have what I want most, but it’s in that rent-to-own stage that I blogged about recently– a little confirmation that things are on the right track would be good in time for my birthday, that everyone’s on the same page, that’s always good for the soul.  As for what your hard earned dollars can buy me because I know so many of you are so uncertain, well, bubble bath is an every day must, truffles dusted with cayenne pepper from the Chocolate Fetish and a bottle of something red: a shiraz, syrah or merlot—you can’t go wrong with those things, and using that list as guidance, well, I’m not as hard to please as people imagine.

Let’s start celebrating me now so we don’t pull a party muscle!

today was sorta sucky

i hate those days at work where stuff just snowballs to the point that i don’t know who to call next, whose email to answer next, what task to move on to because the shit just keeps coming!  people were getting snippy with me unnecessarily, being nasty about the most trivial things.  i ended up turning off my desk phone and closing the door—pretending not to be in the office helped me to kick some of the stuff off my to do list, and i started a list for tomorrow so i can have a little direction in the morning.

add to the huge pile of work the fact that my office was subzero freakin’ freezing all day and i was not a particularly happy camper.  at one point, i went outside to where my car was sitting in the sun and sat in the blazing heat of the car’s interior so that my hands could warm up.

but… i am grateful to have a job, grateful to have stuff to do at said job and i guess i’m grateful to notice that i’m freezing my ass off because it means i’m still alive to complain about it.