Category: movies

Rob Zombie’s 31: My Deep Thoughts

It’s was pretty nifty to see that 31, Rob Zombie’s new flick, was available On Demand from my cable company before it was available in theaters. Cool?!

This is my time of year as Halloween approaches. Horror movies are my jam. I can watch it at home for less than the price of a movie ticket? I’m in. Am I a rabid fan of all things Rob Zombie? Yes and no. Sometimes his efforts kinda suck, but I appreciate the style, the overall weirdness that he delivers. I think I might be one of the only people that actually liked Lords of Salem.

I would also just like to note that I should’ve married Rob Zombie so I can be in every movie he makes. Yes, Sheri is in this one, too.

I gathered a horror movie cohort and the required Jello shots (what, you don’t do Jello shots during horror movies?), dimmed the lights, and we got this party started.

Right off the bat, we’re pushing the traditional horror movie envelope with a carload of ne’er do wells on a road trip on Halloween, smoking weed and of course, having sex. You know as soon as you have a road trip, weed, and sex, someone’s about to die.

No spoilers, but our characters end up in a game called 31 where they have to survive to win. Some of the characters we met in this movie needed more development. Doomhead, for example, kicked us off in the movie with some great dialogue, but then when he reappears, he delivers little more of his snazzy speeches. Doomhead reminded me of Willem Dafoe’s character Bobby Peru from Wild at Heart, creepily sleazy but much smarter than you think.

The ending sort of sucked. I felt like the cast and crew just all gave up and wanted to go grab dinner or something rather than deliver the audience a slam-dunk of an ending. The ending was a little flat, a little abrupt, and a little predictable. I can think of a few different endings that would’ve made me feel more satisfied with the movie.

To see or not to see? I didn’t find it that scary or provocative. That said, I’ve been there, done that with these kinds of movies, but maybe someone new to the horror genre or new to Rob Zombie’s films might find it more thrilling than I did (like teenagers, for example). It was worth the $10 on demand for a couple hours of entertainment, but we were glad we didn’t buy movie tickets, movie popcorn, and movie drinks.

Movie Stars

There’s a movie being filmed around the corner from my office.  Owen Wilson, Zach Galifianakis, and Kristen Wiig are in town to film some scenes.  Star spottings have been reported all over town via Twitter, Facebook.

I think Owen Wilson is pretty darn cute and love some of the roles he played.  Someone asked me if I was going to go watch the filming, and I said, “nah, but Owen can come hang out on the porch later if he wants.”  This person laughed and asked what on earth I’d possibly talk to Owen Wilson about on my porch.

I think it’s pretty easy, right?  I’m a delicate southern belle, so of course, I’d offer him something to drink and a snack…and a spritz of all natural bug spray, because I can’t be having my guests eaten alive.  A little Pandora streaming whatever–heck, I’d let him pick the first station until his taste in music annoyed me and I felt compelled to change it to something else.  What would I talk to him about? Everything, like I do with everyone.  I ask questions all the time since I’m missing that filter between my mouth and my brain, and I just blurt out anything.  I’d ask him if he got to do anything fun in Asheville (you know, other than hang out with me).  Last book he read.  Favorite band.  How he feels about raw tomato.  Weirdest birthday gift he’s ever received.  If he’d like to take one of my spare cats with him.  All the usual stuff. I figure that being a public personality like that has got to wear a person out, and sippin’ some Catdaddy ‘shine on the porch and watching lightning bugs sounds like a dandy evening.

A few weeks back, I saw another movie star that was roaming town for a different movie.  I was sitting in the park with my shoes off, warming my toes in the summer sun, and looked up and saw movie star guy walking on the pathway into the park, sunglasses on so as not to be noticed (the really nice pants were the giveaway, those weren’t WalMart pants).  He noticed my glance and smiled and I just nodded, but I wasn’t going to chase after him or ask for a photo.  He was off the clock!  In the same way I don’t want to be hounded with IT questions in my off hours (no, I really DON’T want to fix your computer when I get off work or set up your new iPhone, realllllllly), I wasn’t going to spaz out at him and draw attention.

Be cool.  Owen, invitation’s open.

The Wolverine

ohhhhhh, opening night of The Wolverine.  Me and my Wolverine dog tags, center seat of the center row, yeah!!!

It was so fun.  I loved the fight scene on top of the train.  My only complaint is that the Hollywood version of Wolverine in this movie, like the movies before it, is so much squeaky cleaner than the comic book original.  Wolverine is short and hairy and likes cigars and booze.  Hollywood’s Wolverine is just a little too neat and tidy, but Hugh Jackman still does a good job with the character.  I’d like to see it again and it hasn’t even been a week yet!

Next year will bring a new X Men movie to the big screen, so there’s a reason to live on in nerdy fandom!

“The Conjuring”

My thoughts on “The Conjuring” on the big screen:
First, it’s a great movie if you believe in the paranormal, in the possibility of evil.  It has some well-timed scares and startles and has an interesting storyline.  Supposed to be based on a true story.  It’s fun if you like a good scare.

Second item of note: the characters violate all the rules of scary noises in the night.  If you hear a thump in the night that startles you awake…and then you hear another thump…don’t go investigate!  What the hell is wrong with you? Pull the blankets up over your head as a protective shield against all bogeymen and wait for dawn!  If something grabs your foot in your bed, do not check it out!  Put your feet back in the blankets, wrap up, wait for dawn.  Feel a cold breath on your face in the night?  Again, do not turn on the light, do not get up, do not pass go: blanket as a shield, people! BLANKET AS A SHIELD!

Third thought inspired by the film: if you buy a creepy old house and find a  secret boarded up space under the stairs, leave the mofo boarded up.  Howzabout we not open any haunted portals to other dimensions?!  When I find myself house hunting again someday, I will triple check for zero creepy factor as well as for haunted cellars, possessed attics, mysterious boarded up rooms, blood stains on the floors and walls and for lynching trees where the ghosts of the hanged lurk…only once I’m sure that that a potential home is free of creepyosity and haunts will I sign on the dotted line and move in.  I will not move in sight unseen.  I will not marvel at the wonder of abandoned personal property left by previous owners because IT’S HAUNTED, DUH!  Even a house that seems perfectly normal will be scratched off my list of potential home ownership if it has those scary Amityville Horror windows upstairs…no freakin’ way.  My imagination is far too overactive to move into anything even vaguely resembling Amityville, Camp Crystal Lake or Dracula’s castle.

deep movie thoughts…

I understand it’s unamerican of me to dislike Sandra Bullock as an actress. I’m sorry. I don’t like her. She’s boring, uninspiring, unconvincing. I’m sure in real life, she’s a lovely lady, but on film, bleh. That said, we saw “The Heat” today, and it was much as expected…the big laughs we’d seen in all the commercials already.

But! There was a great trailer for “The Wolverine.” Hell yeah. July 26. I may have to take a long lunch that day just to be one of the first to see it! One of the first graphic novels (thick comic books for big kids, errr, adults) I ever read was the story of Wolverine, so he is close to my heart.

But wait, there’s more!! The only thing that would make me happier than a Wolverine movie is a new Pirates movie…and so it shall be because I wish it! “Pirates 5” may be a year or more away, but I am delighted there will be more Jack Sparrow and company, more fabulous music, farfetched tales. Yay!

twilight

I took MiniMe and MiniScoot to see Twilight, a tweenage chick flick about a girl and her vampire beau.  For me, it was kinda predictable, but the girls absolutely ate it up.  The vampire boyfriend is brooding and aloof, so immediately the girls were hooked on him and his amazing amount of haircare products (all the vampires and their hair remind me of Beverly Hills 90210, the original series not the new one, the boyfriend is so Dylan McKay).  I was pretty partial to the villains in the film; they all looked like they might’ve auditioned to join White Zombie at one point.

In the car on the way home, I asked if the girls liked the movie…the response I got from Minime was, “I really love the way the vampire stares at you.  He’s cute.  It’s totally creepy and I like it.”  And from MiniScoot, “Oh yeah, I like it, too…it’s creepy and romantic.” And as the mom I had to grip the steering wheel tighter as I had an abrupt mental fast forward to Minime trying to convince me it’s okay to ride on the back of her Hells Angels boyfriend’s motorcycle to the prom. 

Anaconda

If you haven’t viewed the 1997 cinematic masterpiece Anaconda, or perhaps it’s been many years, I encourage you to stop what you’re doing and go to your nearest Blockbuster to rent it.  With a cast that includes Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, Owen Wilson and Kari Wuhrer (remember her from the MTV game show Remote Control?), you can’t go wrong!

The idea is that a group of scientists is going to film a documentary about some lost tribe, so they are traveling by boat on the Amazon River, which apparently is home to a ginormous anaconda (or perhaps a family of giant anacondi so there can be sequels, hmmm?).  They pick up bad guy Jon Voight along the river (who knew there were hitchhikers on the Amazon?) and then there’s all sorts of mayhem.  Not to ruin it for you, but you can pretty much assume that where there’s a giant anaconda involved, most of the cast is going to get eaten by said snake.  In real life, when an anaconda eats, they often won’t feed for weeks or even months because their digestion is so slow; in the movies, the anaconda will eat every ten minutes or so in effort to pick off the entire cast, one snack at a time!

My favorite line in the movie is one word, “Bitch!” delivered by Ice Cube when the anaconda just won’t die…I believe it was even on fire and screaming (who knew snakes could scream!) at that point when it was still trying to eat him and J Lo.  This is profound stuff.  Get ye unto Blockbuster now, and let me know how Anaconda has changed your life.

The Kung Fu movie was cool, too…

Last night, Minime and I met up with Vernie Sue and her nieces and nephews for a free outdoor showing of “Golden Blade III: Return of the Monkey’s Uncle.”  First, a free movie is a wonderful thing.  Second, a free OUTDOOR movie on a summer evening is into a realm beyond wonderful.  Third, it was kung fu: I need say no more other than it was kung fu!

A grand time was had by all in our group.  We spread a blanket under the stars and sprawled out for a couple hours.  Nice, really nice.  With no drive-in movie nearby, this is as close as we can get to that sort of experience.  I loved the movie (who doesn’t love subtitled kung fu films with tongue in cheek wit?) and loved the opportunity to just relax and laugh with friends and kids.  It was everything good about summer all rolled up into one evening.