Dear Justin Timberlake:

Dear Justin,

I’m writing to let you know that you owe me 2 hours of my life back.  I just watched Alpha Dog and I want to travel back in time and not put the DVD in tonight. 

JT, I appreciate you shirtless just as much as the next female with a pulse, perhaps even more so, but wow. Whoa.  This was horrible. HORRIBLE!  Not even like fun horrible, just horrible.

So for those snoopers reading this private note written specifically to you, JT, I’ll let them know that Alpha Dog is the story of a bunch of stoners and the guy they “kidnapped.”  My man Justin spends a good portion of this film shirtless, and even this was not enough to make it tolerable.

Supposedly based on a true story, the whole plot revolves around using the “F” word every 2nd or 3rd word while getting high.  The story is so weak, so dreadfully predictable.  But I tried! Oh, Justin, I tried to hang on, waiting for it to get better…it only got worssssssssssssssssssssssse.

Justin, please—don’t do this to me again.  I’m going to put the DVD back in its little red Netflix wrapper and put it in the mail and pretend like this never happened.  I’m going to youtube and I’m going to see if you can bring sexy back and bleach Alpha Dog from my brain.

I still love you,


Grindhouse movies

Planet TerrorDeath Proof.  Equally good?  Unfortunately no.  I read a bunch of reviews before I rented either movie, and hands down, everyone was loving Death Proof, so I rented it first.

Death Proof has the super hot muscle cars, oh yes, and you know how I am about a hot car.  I believe Chiquita called me a Car Whore only a week ago since I would absolutely date a man (date is NOT a euphemism for anything else, people) for a full week just to get behind the wheel of his really hot car.  The classic cars in Death Proof are fantastic…and other than that, nothing else really floated my boat.  No really witty memorable banter, nothing that really riveted me to this movie.

Planet Terror was a few nights later for me, and wow! LOVED it! Zombies, a secret BBQ recipe, guns galore and a one-legged go-go dancer: what more does one need in a movie?  This one was full of action and smart dialogue, crazy ridiculous gore and I was hooked.  Even the preview for the fictional movie Machete just before the feature presentation had me reeled in: hilarious.

Watch for yourself, but I think you’ll agree that the zombies of Planet Terror are far more interesting than the stunts of Death Proof.

U2 in 3D is so cool!

Rattle and Hum was such a cool movie experience (I saw it on opening night at Beaucatcher Cinemas back when Beaucatcher was the biggest and the best Asheville had to offer) that I couldn’t wait to see U2 in 3D.

If you enjoy U2, it is absolutely worth the $10.50 admission.  It’s like being at their concert with the best seats in the house but without the jostling and the concert-going drunk guy sloshing beer on your shoes.  It’s visually stunning, and the sound was surprisingly awesome—the opening riffs of With or Without You and Pride (in the Name of Love) literally made the little hairs on the back of my neck stand up.  I did some singing along and some dancing in my seat much to Minime’s horror.  The 3D effects are ample, so it seems like you’re right there beside Bono or you’re close enough to Larry to bang on the drum along with him during Love and Peace or Else.  It is interesting to note that even though you get insanely “close” to the band, you really don’t get too many sweaty facial zoom-ins like you do on the big screen at a real concert…perhaps someone decided I didn’t need to see if The Edge has crow’s feet or laugh lines?

It’s not the same as being there, sure,  but when the camera sweeps over the audience, it’s so packed, I don’t think I’d want to have been there in the first place.  It looked like it was miserably  crowded and hot, with security giving out cups of water to sweltering concert-goers by the stage.  If you want U2 without the drama of seeing a band that sells out arenas, check this movie out…you won’t have to pay to park, no one is trying to sell you $50 tshirts, no one will spill beer on you or puke near you, you’ll be able to actually see the band instead of craning your neck around the tallest person at the concert all night.  It was really neat, and I’m quite happy I went. 

Go while you can!  It’s only showing 2 times per day at Carmike in Asheville.

Could she really be mine?

Minime and I were watching “Must Love Dogs” this afternoon, and I, of course, had to swoon over John Cusack.  All women of a certain age, from the era of “Say Anything” in particular, are required by law to swoon over John Cusack.  Minime looked at me and said, “Ewwww, Mom.  He’s olllld.”

Could this child really be mine?  Could any offspring of mine reject the moody fabulousness that is John Cusack?  ACK!!

(OK, yes, she really is mine because just moments later she told me that Zac Efron of “High School Musical” was too girly to be hot.  Good girl.)

‘I am legend’ is a big honkin’ bummer

Baby bro o’ mine wanted to go see I Am Legend.  The previews didn’t light my fire, but if there’s a remote possibility of see Will Smith in the shower like in I, Robot, I’m in.  So off we went to Cinebarre to see what the movie was all about.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my gawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwd how depressing!   Spoiler alert–spoiler ahead…  THE DOG DIES!  C’mon, now, alien creatures leaping out of people’s abdomens, spiders hatching out of someone’s face: that’s the kind of stuff I can handle.  But when the beloved scene-stealing dog dies, geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez.  Nevermind that the whole movie is pretty much one big apocalyptic bummer, but the dog has to die?!

If you’re suicidal or depressed in any way, skip this movie.  I’m not saying it’s a bad movie, nope, just that it’s not uplifting or smiley.  Dead dog = sad movie.  (but I did get to see Will Smith shirtless so it was at least worth the price of admission)

I Love “Valley Girl”

I had to shake off the drama of Brokeback Mountain and Butterfly Effect, so Netflix bestowed Valley Girl upon me this weekend.  I love this movie.  It’s one of my all time favorites, ever.  Young Nicholas Cage: he’s a punk, he’s furry and he’s ever so hot. So Hott.

It’s a corny movie, predictable, but the soundtrack is tons of fun.  The Plimsouls are in the movie several times as the Hollywood bar band in the dive that Randy and Fred frequent, so you hear several of their ditties.  “I Melt With You” by Modern English figures heavily into this movie; long before it was a Burger King commercial, kids, this was music I liked ever so much.

Where is my Nicholas Cage, my punk Randy, ready to punch out the prom king in my honor?  I’m waiting.  Sigh.

So I was probably the last person on earth to get around to…

…renting Brokeback Mountain.  I knew the premise from all the hype.   Gay cowboys in love. 

I put in the DVD last night and started folding laundry, doubting I’d be interested at all…and before I knew it, I was boohooing with mismatched socks in my hands.

Why don’t you people warn me about these things?  It was so sad! It was so depressing!  Two people wasting their lives away, refusing to live out their dreams.  And then it was too late for them, no more second chances.  And then I’m crying all through the last 15 minutes of the movie.  Oh my god, when he finds their shirts in the closet from the first summer on Brokeback, I was a mess, just wailing.

The point here would be twofold: first, why don’t you people warn me not to rent this crap when I’m moody?!?  Send me a freakin’ email and say “Kat, Brokeback will rip your guts out right now.  Rent The Cable Guy instead.”  Second, go and love somebody with all your heart and soul right nowwwwwwwwwww I’m so aloooooooooooooooooooone.  Booohoooooooooooooo………………..

Let me pull myself together long enough to point out that I watched The Butterfly Effect last week, and no one warned me on that one either.  Horribly upsetting, horribly depressing, ack!!  The whole point of the movie is that life would’ve been better for everyone if he’d just died in the womb?  What the hell kind of entertainment is that?

Darn you, Diggity–random Suburbia ranting

Ok, I had to watch Suburbia tonight.  It’s been nagging at me since we got on the subject of TSOL and the Vandals and me swapping spit with Bruce when I was 15.  Darn you, Diggity, you brought this whole thing up.

If you haven’t watched Suburbia before, well, I would say it might be too late for you.  Maybe if you grew up as a teen in a trench coat and a tshirt held together with safety pins, you could watch it and get it.  Otherwise, I think it might be lost on you.

I’d forgotten how bad ass hot the character Jack is in that movie!  And how STUPID all the female characters are, oh my god, stupid.  The male characters and the concerts remind me so much of growing up in Asheville and throwing ourselves around the loading dock of the Chesterfield Mill or the Spider’s Web or Squashpile to our favorite bands, and how music and friendship was absolutely everything in that moment.

And crap! I’d forgotten how horribly the movie ends!  Geez.  But at least it’s out of my system for the moment–the movie, not the music.