Category: deep stuff

Surprised

I was surprised today.
There is kindness in a check-in, kindness in a message, kindness where I thought the well had long dried up.
I wish kindness was reliable, a rock I could lean on, but even fleeting, it was very welcome, much appreciated.

I Ran Away From Home

Some iteration of this will probably end up on my business site, too, but I wanted to start here, on the good ol’ Kat Box.
Yesterday, my plans changed at the last minute and instead of a full day of scheduled work in front of me, I had half a day of freedom staring me in the face.
I woke up and the first thing I thought of was that I was totally not making breakfast for all these people in my house. All these people could fend for themselves! I threw on clothes and tiptoed out the door before anyone could ask anything of me.
Because I party like a rock star, I went to the post office for stamps. Yes, I still mail things; I know that’s totally old school, but the act of writing checks and applying stamps to envelopes helps me remember that I actually completed the entire bill paying task.
I went to Lowe’s to return something. Yeah, still partying.
I had several other grownup things on my mental to-do list…but I said (out loud, because, alas, most of my talking to myself is out loud), “Fuck it.” I decided to run away for a while, out of cell phone range.
I drove to the Hot Spot, same one I used to go to for a Dr. Pepper on the way to school when I was a teenager. I loaded up a few provisions, put on my sunglasses, and took myself up into the woods. The Bent Creek Experimental Forest around Lake Powhatan is one of my favorite places to hide out, and it’s been that way since I was able to drive myself there.
Driving and driving up the winding dirt road, I was grateful for the recent rain so there weren’t dust clouds. I was excited to see there was no one parked at my favorite pull off spot.
Out of the car and a walk down the steep hill…in moments, my shoes and socks were off and I was out in the middle of the cold creek. If you aren’t from this mountain area, you might think a cold creek on a sunny day is cool and delightful: you need to know it’s really really really cold—cringe-inducing cold. Yep, you will get used to it if you wade a while but it’s not the happy splashing BS of Mountain Dew commercials; it’s just plain cold…but I love it. I ruin many perfectly lovely pedicures with my passion for wandering out into creeks full of rocks and twigs and such. I love the shimmer of the sun across the water, the tadpoles swimming along in the shallows, even the bugs scooting across the surface.
I spent a while in the creek, a wading meditation, I guess. I spent a while on a rock watching butterflies. I spent a while on a log watching bees buzz around the flowers. I spent a while just walking in the quiet. When I walked back up to the car, I was surprised to see how many hours had passed.
I made my way back home, and no surprise, they’d managed to fend for themselves. All was right in the world, and so was I.

This Really Happened Today

Things that really happened today:
A medicine woman anointed my third eye with an elixir whipped up in a hurricane and red dirt from Sedona.
A medium told me the goddess Diana was waiting for me to call upon her.
I held someone’s ring in my hand and told them where it came from with reasonable accuracy as well as an anecdote about something the original owner used to say/sing all the time.
Just another ordinary day…

I Am Pondering This

I am pondering the following:

I am pondering leaving this town in another year or so. I haven’t made any firm decisions, but I have become increasingly convinced the job I want and the house I want are elsewhere. I’ve looked for jobs under every rock in this town, chased down every lead, and nothing pops up that resonates.

The house. I have had dreams of a specific house for as long as I can remember. I can see it in my mind’s eye like I already own it. What I do know for sure is that it’s not in a city.

I made a commitment to my kiddo to give her a stable school experience all the way through high school, and her graduation is still down the road a speck, but I can see it in the distance.

So I ponder, and wonder. I am thinking.

Alive

[twitter url=”https://worldfamouskatbox.com/alive/” style=”horizontal” source=”KatieMotivates” float=”left”] [fbshare url=”https://worldfamouskatbox.com/alive/” type=”button”] There are moments in which we feel gloriously alive.  Electric.  Human.  Our authentic selves.  I want more of those moments.

I am looking for those instances, expecting them, so when they arrive I will notice, remember.

I want to remember.  I want to stow it away in a secret place in my mind, in my heart, so on a dark and lonely day, I can unfold the memory and feel it all over again…hear the laughter, feel the hugs, even recall the wiping away of tears…all of it, the magnitude, the “realness,” the vulnerability, and the joy so brilliant it illuminates a room.

I think it starts with allowing ourselves to show up as we really are, not who we want the world to see, but who we really are, a little ragged around the edges but still open to the possibility of wonder in the world.  We have to believe it’s okay to be our quirky, strange, beautiful selves.  There are times when we can be real, true, honest, and that’s when the magic unfurls…those precious minutes of being so alive, so present, that are so amazing I want to scoop them up and keep them for later.

I am giving myself permission to be alive, delicious, and loving far more often than ever before.  I am ready for the magic.  I will let down my guard and let it all roll in, decadent, divine.  I will file the aliveness away, too, to call upon on a day when I am certain I’m unloved and alone so I can remember that is not always the case.

not letting you rain on my parade!

I’ve been trying harddddddddddddddddddddddddd (HARD!) to extend kindness and love where I can.  I’ve been trying hard to muster forgiveness.  All this effort is for my own sanity, and because I also believe love is what we’re here for, what we’re here to do at the most fundamental level of our existence.

Here’s a hard truth: just because I forgive, it doesn’t mean the other person forgives me; just because I am giving love doesn’t mean they will meet me halfway.  THAT SUCKS!  In a perfect world, when we try to meet others halfway, they are willing to meet us there.  In this world, the world we’re in now, hugs are refused and mannerisms are cool, even cold…brrrrrrrrrrrr.  I’ve tried hard with this one person in particular and there’s nearly a negative return on investment, like tossing my feelings into the Grand Canyon.

But, y’know, fuck it.  I’m not letting you rain on my love parade. If you want to join in, you know how to find me any ol’ time, but damn, brrrrr.  I’m putting on my coziest gear and marching onward.  I’ll still answer when you call if you’re ready to behave like a decent person, but for now, I’m putting up my umbrella and keeping the love parade moving.

united by our jagged edges

[fbshare url=” https://worldfamouskatbox.com/united-by-our-jagged-edges/” type=”button”]

I don’t have any science to back this up; it’s just an observation.  I’ve noticed what tends to connect us, you, me, our friends, at the most meaningful level is all our broken bits.  All the stories we are afraid to tell: when we finally share them, others put their hands up,  and say, “oh, me, too,” and there is a connection, a uniting tie.  You understand my kind of crazy now because you walked the same path at one point.  Ah, you understand.  I understand.  We get each other.

You get why I am stand-offish, stoic, reserved, reluctant to be vulnerable.  All the things we don’t like to talk about…when we finally tell the truth, we find our people, our tribe.

I’m not saying you should spill your darkest, most painful moments if you aren’t ready to speak up, but when you are ready, I think you’ll find there are more people that will welcome you than will shun you.  Our jagged edges somehow bring us closer together.

 

heroes

[twitter style=”horizontal” source=”katiemotivates” float=”left”][fbshare type=”button”]

Not every hero wears a cape or a badge or even a uniform.  Some heroes are those that can offer calm assurance while the world is seemingly collapsing.

One of my gentlest friends found himself in a bad spot.  The bottom dropped out.  Walls crashing down.  A total shitstorm for a friend who is nothing but kind, respectful, and ridiculously introverted. I recognize that perhaps this chaos was his own invention, but he never imagined this scenario playing out in this way.  He was scared, and he was hurting, and I couldn’t do a damn thing for him.

I am the fixer, the nurturer, the healer for those that beckon, those brave enough to say they are falling apart, those willing to send the text message that simply says “help.” I will show up at any hour if I am needed, wanted.  I have held hands with the grieving, made soup for the sick, listened all night long without judging those who are struggling with sobriety, and crawled in bed fully dressed in the middle of the day to curl up with the heartbroken.  Whatever’s needed, I will do, but in this most recent instance, I couldn’t help, and that hurt my heart; I couldn’t soothe this away.

I had to reach out to get my friend help; I sent a few texts to the only person I believed I could genuinely trust to help, reaching out to a friend that I hoped would recognize the urgency and respond quickly…and that’s where this story finds its hero.

This hero answered promptly, acted quickly, and showed up on what should’ve been his day off to assist.  He brought knowledge and expertise, but more importantly, he brought calm and compassion to my shattered friend; this hero soothed fears that were beyond my reach.  He brought professionalism, but he also brought heart.  Some heroes rise from their own foray into hell kinder, stronger, and smarter, their own hardest days shaping them to offer empathy and benevolence to those still fighting similar battles.

After I sent out the text asking for help for my friend in need and I got a message back from the hero of this story saying he’d assist even on his day off, I sobbed, totally relieved.  I am sure my response via text was my typical snarky smartass bullshit, but tears were raining down on my phone and on my typing fingers as I felt that wave of gratitude wash over me.  I remember exhaling a great sigh so hard, like I’d been unknowingly holding my breath for an hour.

I still don’t know how this story ends, but I know the hero remains the hero no matter what dragons emerge.  I have reverence for a healer who doesn’t operate with my same methods, but he is a healer, a fixer, all the same, even though he might shrug off such titles.  He has put my broken, sweet friend back together a couple times.  I am filled with a grateful admiration for the hero doing what I could not.

My favorite heroes are the ones who don’t even realize what great good they’ve already done.

 

dreams

I’ve been sick most of the last couple weeks and sleeping about 3 times as much as I normally would. I’ve had the strangest dreams, and some of them have been so bewilderingly real in detail that I woke absolutely confused. I remember most of them fairly well; the dreams didn’t slip out of my mind in the morning light like they so often do.

If you’ve dreamed about me in the last couple weeks, message me privately because I’m curious as hell if there was any overlap. I love that kind of crazy stuff.

I’ve dreamed that I was buying a house with someone and how we were going to keep the original wood floors because I loved the feeling of history, and I remember being so surprised in my dream that the other person agreed with my choice to keep the floors intact. I’ve dreamed I was ghost hunting and there was chocolate pecan pie. I’ve dreamed that I was making dinner in someone’s apartment (an apartment I’ve never been to so my mind will be totally blown if it looks anything like what I imagined). I dreamed about going to the movies to see a movie about dinosaurs (love me some dinosaur movies). I dreamed about going to the beach and sitting on the sand, watching the waves; it wasn’t summer in this dream, so the beach was fairly empty. I dreamed about having this long winding conversation with someone on a big couch with cozy blankets that went on for hours. I had a dream about someone’s sock expertise and their favorite dark grey socks. I had a dream about making amends where there is a huge rift. I dreamed about teaching; I had this dream several times with a few variations and cameo appearances. I’ve “visited” with a lot of friends in these dreams and had really long talks. Maybe most unusual of all is that I had no nightmares; I typically have wake-up-in-a-panic nightmares often, but none these last couple weeks.