if not a gold star for patience, maybe like a special hat you could wear. or a sash.
i swear if anyone called me and launched into a conversation about how they took some quiz online and wanted to delve deeply into the profound life-altering multiple choice meanings, i would hang up…and then tear the f-ing phone out of the wall. your patience is astounding.
and it further illustrates why i don’t like to answer the phone! don’t answer unless you’re positive what awaits you on the other end.
Without rehashing too much, Minime spends only a couple nights a month at her dad’s house, and this is brand new as of a few months ago—-for the first 10+ years of her life, it was 100% all my responsibility 24/7. The couple nights a month are important for her because she’s never had a father around at all so she’s really excited to be there, and those couple nights are important to me so I can catch up on some things.
Tonight was one of those two nights in October that she was supposed to be at her dad’s house. She called a few hours ago and said she didn’t feel so great. I told her I was sorry she was feeling yucky and talked to her dad about making her a little more comfy so she could rest. Guess who just appeared on my doorstep? Minime and her dad. He brought her back because she didn’t feel so great, which apparently is all my problem to deal with and he’ll see us in a couple weeks, bye.
I am pissed. I am not pissed at Minime, but I sure as hell am pissed at her dad for shirking his responsibilities. I have things to do, some pretty high priority things to do, that will be thwarted by fetching Sprite, tissues, finding movies, adjusting the thermostat, on and on…things that her dad could have done for her and should have done for her. It is not that I don’t want to take care of my sick child because she is my everything and of course I’ll take care of her, but dammit I have done this all alone for years on end, cleaning up the snot and the barf and refilling drinks and adjusting blankets just so, fetching favorite stuffed animals and fluffing pillows so it just doesn’t seem like too much to ask for her dad to do it for just one night. Just one night.
And what could I do in front of Minime except let her in the house when they showed up? I’m not going to reject my daughter, shoo her away, when she’s standing in front of me with her overnight bag of PJs and videos.
So. I’m pissed at her father. I’m angry. And I’m being summoned for a drink or a snack or something right this second. Sigh.
Your past is not your potential. In any hour you can choose to liberate the future.
– Marilyn Ferguson
…when he said, “The waiting is the hardest part.” Indeed.
…that i pass this exam the first time on tuesday so i can take maybe two days to regroup and reorganize. i have lost so many things in the last 6 weeks or so, completely misplaced them, which is not like me at all…i’m hoping everything i’m missing turns up all at once, on a shelf…like i’ll open a cabinet, and everything i’ve hidden from myself will leap out and say “surprise!” like it’s a party. i did take the time to work on my office, and nothing i’m looking for is there…so…if i were me, where would i have put it? yeah. i need to pass this exam and free up a little space in my brain for a few minutes!!
I’m enrolled in the motorcycle class I wanted to take—will work on motorcycle skills and safety to ultimately pass the skills test for the motorcycle endorsement on my driver’s license (still have to take the written exam, though). I’ll be doing that class in November. Most folks I know are pretty supportive of me taking this class. Others are sort of frowny about it, don’t like the risk involved with me riding a motorcycle…but I need to, I want to, I have to. I don’t know how else to explain it, other than I need to, want to, have to. Trust me.
I know that I can’t save you…
I know that I can’t fix anything for you…
…but damn it all to hell and back, there are days I wish you would just let me try anyway.
And if you refuse to let me try, because you are as stubborn as I am, if you refuse to take the hand that is offered, please find a way to save yourself. Tell me you have a plan. Tell me you’ve come up with something to save yourself. Tell me something.
Pinky swears are binding on a global basis, so even if you fled the country, your pinky swear would still be honored here and abroad.
Today’s song o’ the day I Walk Beside You, Dream Theater, although I think I prefer the studio version to the live version…the studio version videos were crummy, so tis a concert recording I must post.
Earlier in the week, I posted I Will Follow live for similar reasons—the original video for I Will Follow is readily available, but Bono’s circa 1980 flailing is downright silly in it. As he’s gotten older, he flails less dorkily, so the newer live version is easier to tolerate visually.
…hold you to that pinky swear.
to quote a favorite Fugazi song, “promises are shit, we speak the way we breathe…”
But a pinky swear is another animal entirely. I’m holding you to it.