I bow to the lawnmower.
The lawnmower is smarter, funnier, cuter and more well read than I could ever hope to be.
The lawnmower is all powerful, all hail my lawnmower.
Sigh. Ok. I hope that by sucking up to my lawnmower in a public forum that the son of a bitch will work on a regular basis. First, it took nearly 30 minutes to start the mofo today. This is not unusual. Don’t you dare ask me something snide like Well do you even know how to start a lawnmower because I will go all ninja on your ass before you can blink. Of course I know how to start the mower. I’ve been mowing and mowing and mowing since I was 15, nearly 20 years of starting mowers.
This particular lawnmower knows me, hates me and doesn’t want to start for me. I have to sneak up on it to get it to start so it doesn’t have time to realize it’s me. After 30 minutes of pulling the stupid cord and cussing a lot, the mower started. I was so happy! I mowed one side of the front lawn in that random all over the place way that I mow which is very similar to the random all over the place way that I think, all zig zags all over the place.
I went to the other side of the driveway, and it quit. Lovely. Topped off the gas, tried to start it. No dice. Pulled weeds, came back, still won’t start. Cussed, shook my fist, nope. Got out the old school push mower, just me pushing the rotary blade while every mosquito in a 20 mile radius tried to dine on me. I was hoping that the newer gas powered mower would be intimidated and jealous of the push mower and would start out of envy. No. I put the push mower away and focused on starting the regular mower…I mean, c’mon, it was just working a few minutes ago. And I tried. And I tried. And my hands hurt. My shoulders hurt. My shirt was soaked through with sweat. I cussed. I begged. I had to give up when it was too dark to see the grass anymore.
I will try again tomorrow, fulling acknowledging that the lawnmower is bringing sexy back, that it’s too sexy for its shirt. All hail the mighty lawnmower that will stun us with its grass cutting prowess! (if it doesn’t start, will someone just bring me a goat? thanks)