So I met up with the Steinster in Charlotte yesterday.
She said, “Why ya in my town, beeotch?”
I said, “Wahlberg. Donnie Wahlberg.”
She said, “He’s a wuss.”
The Steinster was frozen to the core by the icy stare I gave her as I said through clenched teeth, “You did not just disrespect a Wahlberg in front of me.”
And then it was on, street fighting right there on Trade Street.
I went all ninja on the Steinster for talking smack about my favorite New Kid. I flew through the air sideways and kicked her in the head with both feet. She recovered quickly and brought a roundhouse kick to my spleen. I barfed my peanut M&Ms on her suede boots and hurled throwing stars at her in rapid-fire succession. The Steinster was swift and cat-like, dodging the stars, catching the last one in her teeth and spitting it back at me…I ducked, rolled and kicked her feet out from under her just as the throwing star hit my Donnie Wahlberg in the rattail, killing him not quite instantly…he did have time to whisper to me as I cradled him in my arms right there in front of Baskin Robbins, “Kat, I’ll be lovin’ you forever, ’cause you got the right stuff, love the way you turn me on, cover girl” before he went to join the great boy band in the sky, disappearing into the ether in a cloud of bubble gum scented smoke, leaving behind only a black jelly bracelet on the sidewalk.
I slipped on the bracelet, then wiped a tear from my cheek. I turned to the Steinster and said, “The world has lost a cultural icon and I have lost my reason to stay on the right side of the law. I’ll be back for you when you least expect it.”
As I strode off into the sunset, I knew that Step By Step, I had to keep Hangin’ Tough.
(ok, so that’s not really what happened exactly and precisely. no wahlbergs were harmed, thank goodness! chiquita and i did see the steinster and her man friend in charlotte and we had some very very small food and it was fun! i was there to see donnie wahlberg, that much was true, i came to see him shake his moneymaker and indeed he did, oh yes he did, and all is right in the world. but i could go ninja on you at any time, so keep your anti-wahlberg talk to yourselves, folks)