I think Minime called Uncle 420 a hottie

Wow, in an inadvertent compliment, Minime told Uncle 420 he was a cutiepatootie at the grocery store yesterday.  She was busy comparing him to her friend’s dad, the dad I consider to be the Mayor of Hottieville when I pointed out she’d just called Uncle 420 a hunk.  Minime tried to backpedal, but it was too late.  Minime has matured and can spot a hottie in a haystack.

Let’s consider her friend’s dad for a moment.  Her friend with the rhyming name, we’ll call her Winiwe.  Winiwe’s dad, let’s call him…Mayor McHottie.  Mayor McHottie is single, so it’s perfectly legal for me to think he’s cute.  When Minime and Winiwe have an adventure and it’s his weekend with Winiwe, I feel a compulsion to put on lip-gloss and perfume…and a sequined evening gown and high heels…so I can casually greet him at my front door to chat about the kids.  And when he calls, “Uhh, hi, this is Mayor McHottie.  Winiwe wants to take Minime to the basketball game tonight,” it takes tremendous strength not to giggle and invite myself along.

Despite his single-osity and absolute cuteness, Mayor McHottie is off limits.  He’s Minime’s friend’s dad.  If I dated him and discarded him in the rubble pile of ex-boyfriends, it would make things awkward for Wini and Mini, and they’ve been buddies since they were 5.  So I just can’t go there, sigh, but it’s quite nice to have some eye candy in the basketball game/afterschool care/slumber party social circle.

And as for Uncle 420’s slow simmer hottie factor, well, it was only a matter of time before Minime recognized it…so bask and wallow in the glory of the compliment, 420, bask and wallow! (and we’re glad Mrs. 420 is up and about in her radiant glory as well!)

Yeah, yeah, so maybe that last post was a little over the top…

…but really…

whaddya do when you just don’t like who someone has taken to be their life partner?  I’m sure everyone out there has had the experience of a buddy who’s head over heels with someone you really aren’t crazy about.  Not that you have to be crazy about who your friends fall in love with, but it’s nice to be able to tolerate or like them and feel like they like you back…  Usually, I feel compelled to blurt it out one good time because my mouth runs faster than my brain: ohmygawdyoursignificantothermakesmyskincrawl pass the bean dip.  And then I let it go because in ya’ll’s matters of the heart, my opinion has no bearing.  But then think about how many relationships you’ve had that once it was splitsville, your friends were all like “thank goodness, we thought s/he was horrible.”  And you were like, “well, crap, why didn’t anybody tell me?”  And if you’re my friend, I can say “dude, I did that one time, right before you passed me the bean dip.”

But that’s just a tough one.  I know I’ve been involved with people that my friends were like “heyyyyyyyyyyyyy, ummm, yuck!” and I didn’t listen, I didn’t want to hear a word when I was lost in the land of smoochywoochysmittenluvvvvvv.  So I guess it’s pretty useless to point it out, everyone has to reach their own conclusions about what they want in life and love and the pursuit o’ smoochyness and we should all mind our own beeswax (but hey, dude, check for the 666 on her scalp while she sleeps).

Would someone tell him already? Send him a link.

You seek refuge this night in Black Mountain, the company of friends and Will Smith on DVD because…

…oh my gawd you married a shrew she’s evil there’s a 666 on her scalp check it while she sleeps she’s unfriendly and evil but not even in a fun way and she makes that face like she’s smelling poop when she meets your friends and oh we don’t like her and we never liked her and it’s ok if you just want to run away and write it off as a big booboo you can say it was all for the nookie it’s fine just be free run away before you spawn and are tethered to beelzebub herself for all eternity it’s not too late it’s not too late it’s not too late save yourselfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff and your ridiculously round butt before there’s no escape.

Love,

Kat

Dog’s Bday

Ok, so I’m a little late, but I am Kat and you will forgive me as always.  In honor of Dog’s bday, I will reprint words to some songs that he can choose from to be his theme song for 2008:

I’m a real sweet guy
I keep my word,
And everybody knows that it’s true
That good boys are seen and not heard.
So I scream so loud that people turn away.
And they say such bad things about me.
Do I want their sympathy? ( No! )
Do I seek respect? ( Big Deal! )
For them I have but one request… ( What’s that? )
Get on your knees and kiss my ass!

Kiss it,kiss it,kiss it!
Kiss my ass!
Kiss it,kiss it,kiss it!

(oingo boingo)

or if that doesn’t float your boat, how about this:

There are paint smears on everything I own
The vapor rub is lying on a table of filth
Christmas cards to which I never reply
My eyeballs absorb only blue filtered light

(misfits)

or ok, how about this:

Listen up everybody if you wanna take a chance.
Just get on the floor and do the new kids dance.
Don’t worry bout nothin cause it won’t take long.
We’re gonna put you in a trance with a funky song, cause you gotta be
Hangin tough, hangin tough, hangin tough.
We’re rough!
(new kids on the block) 

Hope one of those songs fits—happy birthday, friend!

Minime needs braces.

I’ve been putting it off for ages, trying to ignore the nudges and reminder calls from Minime’s dentist to see an orthodontist.  We finally had to face reality, she really needs braces on her wonky teeth and GOOD GOD!  Braces are so damn expensive.

“We’ll give you a 5 percent discount if you pay in full up front,” offered the cheery Money Taking Lady at the orthodontist’s office.

Who pays in full?  Who, other than high rollers like Uncle 420 and Big Pimpin’ JDog, has that kind of cash lying around these days?  So I asked, and Money Taking Lady said, “Often the grandparents will pool their resources and pay for the braces.  It’s an investment that lasts a lifetime!”

Umm.  Hmm.  Minime has only one set of grandparents in her life, and I checked in with them… If you listen carefully, you can still hear them laughing.

I decided that I would just have to bill each and every one of you a penny for every word you’ve ever read in the Kat Box.  Watch your inboxes and please remit payment promptly to avoid a late charge.  There’s a five percent discount for payment in full!

More vintage box, I’m having a nostalgia kick…

This vintage Kat Box post was posted on FreakinAsheville.com in 2001.  My secret high school crush is getting married this year, and I’m so pleased for him–he grew up to be a really nice guy in love with a really super girl.

Reunited and It Feels So Good:

A True Story

Kat O.

The letter came in the mail a few months ago announcing my ten-year high school reunion. I stared at it for a long time, and then tossed it in the trash.  In the middle of the night, I jumped out of bed, dug the envelope out of the trash and decided to attend the class picnic.  I would not attend the semi-formal evening affair, nope-no way-forget it.

Thinking about my reunion as the date approached gave me the creeps.  I knew no one would talk to me.  Everyone would be wealthy and fabulous.  I was late to start my chosen career, so I knew everyone would be much more successful than me, probably all CEOs and chairpersons who do power lunches with other fabulous people.

Another reunion reminder came in the mail.  I marked the picnic on my calendar.  I thought about the semi-formal dinner and dance; the perfect dress beckoned me from my closet while I considered attending.  I could make heads turn with my black PVC witchy dress; no one else would dare wear such a thing.  Nope, I didn’t want to make my head-turning entrance to the land of the fabulous people all alone; no date, no dance, no way.  My daughter and I would make an appearance at the picnic, then disappear quietly.

I wondered if my secret high school crush would be at the picnic.  I had a “Pretty in Pink” crush: I was a weirdo freak chick and he was part of the in-crowd.  The movie had a happy ending, but in real life, I never told anyone about my crush.  If I’d confessed to my skater-goth-artsy-freaky friends that I had butterflies in my stomach for one of the in-crowd, they would have revoked my black leather jacket and beaten me senseless with my Chuck Taylors, then scrawled my secret across the bathroom walls with my red lipstick.  I had an obligation to my high school peers to date weirdos, so I did.

On the day of the picnic, I wondered what to wear.  I wanted to look casual yet powerful, relaxed yet stunning.  With my newly broken arm in a full cast, it was hard to get any clothes on at all, forget about looking powerful and stunning.  I ended up in jeans and sneakers, but I think I exuded confidence and charisma…well, maybe.

We gathered at Lake Julian, many classmates with their kids and spouse in tow.  I put on my nametag and hovered on the fringes. 
Bryan brought his daughter over while my daughter and I were feeding the ducks, and that was the icebreaker for me.  I had great conversations with people that I hadn’t seen in a decade, not since our graduation ceremony.  Hairlines had receded, tummies were softer here and there, but we were radiant in the afternoon sun, every single one of us was fabulous.
I was surprised at how friendly everyone was to me.  I was a little freaked out by how happy we were to see each other.  I gave hugs to members of the high school in-crowd and listened to their stories, met wives, husbands and tons of kids.  My classmate Jimmy talked me into attending the dance that evening just so I could get drunk and mock the big-haired chicks.  My secret crush appeared and I blushed scarlet, but played it cool all the same.

In getting ready for the dinner and dance, I wondered what the hell I was doing.  Were they going to dump a bucket of blood on my head during my happiest moment like in that Stephen King story?  I was ready to forget the whole idea, but then decided to go just to have one beer with Jimmy and his wife…but what to wear?  The PVC dress wouldn’t go over the cast on my arm, and neither would my eight other choices.  Just when I was ready to wear a Hefty cinch sack, I found a plain black dress that fit over my purple cast and away I went.  I left my nametag off because I grew tired of telling people at the picnic I was divorced; without the tag bearing my last name, they’d be none the wiser.

I was nervous coming into the room alone, but the jitters dissolved when I saw familiar faces from the past.  There were so many people there to hug and catch up with, many who weren’t at the picnic earlier in the day.  It took several beers to endure watching adults do the electric slide on the dance floor. After several more beers, I was unofficially nominated “Most Likely To Kick Someone’s Ass.”   I kept glancing up to make sure there was no bucket of blood over my head.

We talked and drank and laughed.  We confessed and conspired.  We knew all the lyrics to Tone Loc’s songs.  I told a crowd about my secret crush and swore them to secrecy; they were all so intoxicated that I am pretty sure my secret is safe for eternity.  I stole the occasional glance at my crush and determined him to be just as handsome as always.

It was time to go home too soon.  Classmates had planes to catch or long drives ahead of them the next day.  We were tired, the hour was late and the ball was over at the stroke of midnight, everyone returning to his or her normal lives in a blink.

On my drive home, I considered the ten years ahead of me.  At our twenty-year reunion, I will have a teenage daughter.  I will be nearing forty years old next time we gather as a class.  The most important thing on my mind as I pulled into my driveway: I hope my PVC dress still fits me in a decade.

VINTAGE KAT BOX: Sweaty Palms!

Let’s travel way back in the Kat Box time machine with some vintage Katness from years ago.  The main character in this little tale, a super cute sales guy is now happily married (not to me!) with offspring and owns his own company…but even still, he still flirts shamelessly (and harmlessly, Mrs. Salesman, harmlessly) with me in that salesman-y way and I still act like a doofus extraordinaire.

Sweaty Palms and Failing Deodorant:

Meeting An Attractive Male

Kat O.

Recently, a friend told me she was envious of my confident demeanor in the presence of eligible men.  I laughed until I snorted, and then admitted that I never feel particularly confident in those situations; in fact, I usually feel like a contender for the Doofus of the Year Award.  My friend seemed skeptical, so I thought I’d take you inside my head for a recent meeting with an attractive gentleman.

It all began with a phone call.  He is a sales rep for a local company, and he wanted to meet with me to tout the wonders of his business.  We had a nice rapport over the phone and I really enjoyed talking to him, so I decided I would allot some time to hear what his company was all about.  Normally, I refuse to see sales reps, as I don’t have time for such in my busy day, but he swayed me with good conversation.

I came off the elevator at the appointed time to find him in our lobby, waiting patiently for me and my lack of punctuality.  First thought, “Great googly moogly, he’s handsome in that suit.”  Second thought, “I wish I had a Tic Tac.”  As he followed me to a conference room, I wished I’d been more dedicated to my Buns of Steel video.

We talked.  He told me about their company.  When I moved my hands off the table to look at the brochure he offered, I noticed my hands had left gross moist prints from my nervous sweaty palms.  “Oh gawd, I hope he didn’t notice,” I thought as I hid the sweat with my elbows.  He explained a little about the company’s history, and I sort of blanked out, admiring his smile.  I really enjoy a man who looks at ease, and this fellow looked mighty comfortable across from me in that suit. 

I shifted in my chair to scratch an itch and felt a trickle of sweat run down my side; what a day to skip antiperspirant and go for the cruelty free save the whales won’t clog your pores deodorant that is notorious for allowing my armpits to smell funky at this hour of the day.  I clamped my arms down at my sides and tried to look casual.  His hair reminded me of wheat fields in summertime, though I’m not even sure what that means; my brain was very foggy in the presence of this man.

It was soon my turn to do some talking, and I am good at that part, I know.  I was in my element, talking about the network that I tend to and the PCs that I keep functional.  I was determined to get some personal information out of him, so I threw a couple comments out to see if he would admit anything personal.  Sales reps usually won’t yield any personal info; they want to sell, sell, sell.  This handsome gentleman did throw out a little info, straying from the sales pitch and demonstrating a good use of vocabulary. “Wow, good looking and he knows big words!”  My stomach did little cartwheels.

I didn’t want him to leave.  I wanted to sit in the conference room for hours to study his shoulders backlit by the afternoon sun.  I worried that he was only talking to me because he wanted me to sign a contract with his company.  I imagined that if we’d met anywhere else, he’d probably snub me for his girlfriend, and I envisioned her as a cheerleader for the Dallas Cowboys or a Penthouse Pet.  I convinced myself he was out of my league.

The next day, he stopped by unannounced.  I wished I was wearing my I-am-a-powerful-IT-diva dress instead of my casual Friday attire.  Just to see him as I rounded the corner made me blush.  He smiled and I put myself back in his league.

So…on the inside, I’m not all that confident, folks.  I’m sweaty and silly and bewildered by the opposite sex.  I haven’t figured out how to suggest hanging out with him outside the realm of business to see if he’s interested; frankly, I’m sort of embarrassed to suggest anything.  If I suggest coffee/cocoa, and he’s creeped out by the notion, how will we avoid awkwardness in future meetings?  My hands are damp on the keyboard just thinking about it.  A recent article in a women’s magazine suggested I shouldn’t pursue men I’m interested in; instead I should wait for them, but that’s just not my style, no matter if my armpits are stinky and my hands sopping wet.

Grindhouse movies

Planet TerrorDeath Proof.  Equally good?  Unfortunately no.  I read a bunch of reviews before I rented either movie, and hands down, everyone was loving Death Proof, so I rented it first.

Death Proof has the super hot muscle cars, oh yes, and you know how I am about a hot car.  I believe Chiquita called me a Car Whore only a week ago since I would absolutely date a man (date is NOT a euphemism for anything else, people) for a full week just to get behind the wheel of his really hot car.  The classic cars in Death Proof are fantastic…and other than that, nothing else really floated my boat.  No really witty memorable banter, nothing that really riveted me to this movie.

Planet Terror was a few nights later for me, and wow! LOVED it! Zombies, a secret BBQ recipe, guns galore and a one-legged go-go dancer: what more does one need in a movie?  This one was full of action and smart dialogue, crazy ridiculous gore and I was hooked.  Even the preview for the fictional movie Machete just before the feature presentation had me reeled in: hilarious.

Watch for yourself, but I think you’ll agree that the zombies of Planet Terror are far more interesting than the stunts of Death Proof.

i don’t even remember where this caught my eye today…

… but it’s been on my mind for several hours now.  Something to the effect of:

We spend so much time building our lives (house, car, career), we forget to spend time living our lives.  True, isn’t it?  Gotta look hot, gotta get a spouse, gotta get a house we probably can’t afford but that makes people jealous, gotta have some kids, can’t spend any time with the kids or the spouse because we gotta get ahead at work because we gotta get the coolest SUV that we can’t afford anymore than the house we picked…

I’m just as guilty as anyone else of ignoring real life stuff in order to maintain appearances at times, to get “ahead.”  But ahead of what??  When I’m on my deathbed at 117 years of age, will my daughter’s children take my hand, shake their heads and wish that I’d only had a cooler car?? “Oh, if only Granny Kat had a sunroof and heated seats in that car of hers, her life would’ve been so much richer.”

I have a friend so wrapped up in the illusions and expectations of the world that he’s working his ass off in college at age 30…for a degree he doesn’t really want in a field of study that he doesn’t care about.  Why? Because he HAS to have a college degree, as decreed by THEM, whoever they are, in a “respectable” field of study.  He is stressed beyond belief, frenzied to the point of yammering on about ridiculous jibberish at midnight just to reach some goal he’s supposed to attain.  He isn’t living the life he wants, he’s building a foundation that will put him in a career, because we all have to have a career, not just a job, of course…and it will be a career that is the complete opposite of anything that warms his spirit.  I can tell him that it’s ok to chuck the whole thing and follow his heart, but he worries about what other people will think.

Another friend admits that he is absolutely miserable in his marriage and has been for years, that he’s just marking time until his kids are older (how old? 18? 25?) and it’s ok to get out.  He has the kids, the spouse, a house, the pets, the career, but where is the joy? Is it natural and normal to deprive yourself of happiness in order to paint the picture of a terrific family to the outside world?

Hell if I know.  I work in an environment that has caused me to have such serious and constant stress-related health issues that my doctor’s office knows me by my voice on the phone.  Add to that the dentist that has had to “re-contour” my teeth with his buzzsaw tool thing this week because I’ve ground my teeth down to a level of agonizing discomfort through about 8 years of jaw-clenching at work.  But it’s a good job, right?  Why should I enjoy the workplace when I get decent insurance?  I shouldn’t be happy at my job, should I?

The obvious answers are hard to face up to, but for myself, for my friends, we should all start living, even in just baby steps.