I was having a little back and forth via text message with a friend about dating. We have a running joke about my planning a Halloween 2017 wedding and the groom was such a minor detail compared to great cake and a great dress. Somehow things took a serious turn with her wishing me real happiness, and I had to admit:
I am kind of the problem here.
I want to have that man that I love fiercely, ride or die, and who loves me with the same loyalty, but I am terrified to let myself love like that again. I was ride or die loyal to someone that absolutely shattered me to bits, and so now, if I kind of like someone, I panic. I don’t want to be hurt again, so I prevent it from happening. I don’t let anyone close enough to cause harm.
I feel like when I take half a step forward toward someone and feel that goofy joy, then I need to run away and hide my heart in a deep hole in the backyard…like you can have my laughter, but you can’t have my heart, you villain of love! I don’t want to be afraid to trust someone all of me, but I am. I am terrified. Let me blurt out something weird or super paranoid so you don’t like me anymore! All the awkwardness is self-preservation. Keep ’em at a distance, and I never get deep enough to get really hurt–makes perfect sense, right? RIGHT?!
I guess I hope he finds me, my right fit, my partner, and I hope to hell he sees right through my bullshit. I hope he calls my bluff when I’m not being vulnerable. Someone tell him to call my bluff. Someone tell him to go get my heart out of that hole in the backyard and treat it with some fucking reverence because I just can’t say it.
I will be the first to throw a punch in a fight for a friend’s honor and I will run to the front of the line for a scary movie or a haunted house, but I’m scared shitless to love a good man. Go figure.