Category: toes

My long-time freakinfriends are fully aware that I am a foot fanatic.  If I can find that photo of my toes covered in honey from a former incarnation of the FreakinAsheville site, by golly, I’ll post it…I’m looking…

Anyhoo…I don’t want you to have sex with my toes or anything (but a good loverman knows that a lengthy foot rub will turn me into his willing slave), I just have some issues with poor foot hygiene.

Once upon a time, I had a blind date with a guy whose toenails in his man sandals (a.k.a. his “mandals”) were longer than your average schnauzer, and it ruined me for life.  I’ll go into details about that again someday, but not today…just know that seeing those long, curvy toenails scarred me, etched into my memory, forever.

I don’t spend all day every day fretting over my own feet, but they are generally presentable at all times.  At this moment, they are soft, clean and my toenails are sweetly groomed with black nail polish and sassy red edges.  I forget to look in a mirror and sometimes wear my pajamas out in public, but at least my toes are looking pretty.

What do I expect of you?  Male or female, the biggest thing is that you make some effort to trim your toenails on a regular basis.  There’s someone who works in my company that cuts his toenails in his office; most of my coworkers are horrified by this.  I, on the other hand (other foot?), am tickled pink that he cares that much about his toenails.  I know that should I ever see this man’s bare feet, his toenails are not going to get snagged on the carpet as he walks down the hall.

Tend to your scary rough spots every once and while.  It shouldn’t be your goal to cultivate a callous thick as elephant’s hide on your heels unless you’re a fire-walker.  Pumice should be your friend.

My SGF Edward (sorry, can’t divulge what SGF means, would have to kill you) used to keep track of my toenail polish colors in a little notebook.  A new color on my toes meant a new entry in the book.  I always want my toes to be ready for someone to make notes about them, and I’m ready most days of the week for a honey-pouring photo opportunity.

If my feet are in sad shape, so is the rest of me.  When my back was all messed up and I was in physical therapy forever and a half, my tootsies suffered.  They lacked glamour.  It was a terrible time for me, my back and my toes.

Take this moment to look down at your feet, my friends, and do what must be done.  It will make the world a better place.