Oh this is a good one…my resolutions from 2003, as originally posted on FreakinAsheville.com:
I’m sorry to have kept you waiting for my New Year’s resolutions, but it took me a few days to make up my mind. I hope that by sharing them with you, together we can attain our goals.
I will delete the email addresses of all my ex-boyfriends from my address book and I will not email any of them this year unless they email me first and even then I will be so free and unencumbered that I may not even reply. Well, ok. Maybe I will delete MOST of them from my address book and I won’t email them, unless I have a really funny joke to forward. Maybe I will delete ONE of my ex-boyfriends from my address book and I will not send messages to any of the others unless it’s a holiday, a birthday or a Wednesday. Who am I kidding? I have all their email addresses memorized so deletion is futile, and if it weren’t for my ex-boyfriends, who would read my Kat Box articles other than my mom and Chiquita? I resolve to email them all less than I did last year, but emails regarding new articles on FreakinAsheville, birthdays and national holidays do not count toward the total.
In 2003, I will wear oodles of fabulous lingerie from Victoria’s Secret! Well, I still won’t be wearing any underwear; I don’t care how pretty it is, folks, if it’s not a granny panty there is wedgie potential and I will not spend the year plucking my drawers outta my behind. Wearing no undies frees me up to spend my time saving baby seals or something, but I will be wearing more of those wonderful Victoria’s Secret balconette bras. Those little confections turn my cleavage into a shelf of fun so gorgeous that I have considered staying home and dating myself.
I will not eat ice cream for dinner this year. I must admit, I am concerned about osteoporosis, and ice cream is rich in calcium, so it might be wise to have a whole bunch once a week or something. I understand that chocolate is an antioxidant, bananas are full of potassium and nuts are a good source of protein, so if I eat an entire container of Chunky Monkey, I am on a health kick! Good for me! Who knew I was so health-conscious?
Last but not least, some little resolutions: I will find out more about the cute guy at church and not fear that God will smite me for flirting during the morning meditation. God wants me to date, right? I will book more bands that other people enjoy for FreakinShows, not just bands I like. Pfffffffffffffffft, yeah right! You wanna see the bands you like to spin dance to then host your own soiree, babe. I will not work six days a week at my day job. I mean that one, because it requires at least two days of relaxation for my nervous work-induced eye twitch to stop.
Happy New Year! Let’s reach our goals together, freaky friends o’ mine.