Published on FreakinAsheville.com way back in 2002…

Goatees Galore, Moustache Mayhem and Beard Bedlam

 

“Hey, babe, do ya think I should grow a beard?” your man inquires.  Ladies, do not reply immediately.  Understand that this is the male equivalent of the ever-popular women’s question, “Honey, do you think I look fat?”  If you say “yes” and agree that he should grow a beard, goatee, moustache or some weird hybrid of the aforementioned facial hair styles, he’ll immediately ask you what’s wrong with his face.  If you say “no” and tell him you think facial hair is not the way to go, it’s an affront to his masculine decision-making skills, as he has already decided to sprout fur on his face whether you like it or not. 

Recently over dinner with a fellow and his girlfriend, the fellow asked us if we thought he should grow a goatee.  His girlfriend and I both shrieked and looked horrified, shaking our heads.  I told him he could grow a goatee and look okay in it if he also pierced one ear and wore jaunty black berets and turtlenecks year round.  He didn’t like the beret idea, so I think he’s let go of growing his facial hair. 

Some guys look great with facial hair.  My annoying ex-husband had a goatee when we were married.  The ex-husband kept it well groomed and it was okay by me.  I hated it, though, when he would get upset or worried and start twisting the hair on his chin.  He would twist it in these ridiculous little points while he fretted, but then he wouldn’t untwist them and he’d walk around looking like a moron with these pointy blobs of hair on his chin.  That wasn’t cool. 

Then one day, the ex-husband spontaneously shaved off the goatee.  The horror!! I couldn’t look directly at his naked face; it was too weird.  It was like he was missing an eye or an ear; the goatee was part of how I expected him to look each day.  Without his goatee, he was a one-man freak show.  He grew it back shortly thereafter. 

Now, years later, I see him sporting the same goatee that I once enjoyed and I think it looks stupid on him with his current hairstyle.  Either the goatee has to go or the hairstyle has to change.  It’s part of an complete look, this facial hair business.  The total look is why I told my friend he didn’t need a goatee; it just doesn’t suit his style.  It’s sort of like wearing overalls and penny loafers: the two just don’t go together. 

The Bloodhound, Freak in Chief Extraordinaire, was sporting a “soul patch” on his chin when last I saw him.  The soul patch reminds me of that old TV show with Gilligan in it when Gilligan wasn’t Gilligan but was some other character.  Anyhow, Bloodhound scarred me for life by referring to his new crop of facial hair as a “flavor saver.”  AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!  See, that’s one reason right there, ladies, to tell your man that he can’t have facial hair because he’ll be wandering around saying gross things like “flavor saver.”  Blegh. 

The Boyfriend despises facial hair and would probably shave every hour and a half if his schedule permitted.  I like a little stubble at the end of the day on his face.  It’s just manly and scruffy and makes it seem like he’s a hard-working man even when he’s been slacking and doing nothing harder than taking a nap.  If he asked me if should grow a beard, I’d scream.  Full beards immediately make me think of Grizzly Adams and I don’t want him bringing his pet bear and raccoon over to my house for movie night. 

My advice to women when hit with the facial hair question (it’s inevitable, ladies, so be ready) is to answer a question with a question.  He’ll say, “Should I grow a beard/goatee/moustache?”  Your immediate response should be, “Do I look fat?”  He’ll probably say some form of  “yes,” you’ll cry hysterically, he’ll apologize, he’ll bring flowers and take you out to dinner and spend a month or two making you forget that he called you fat, and voila, facial hair discussion is history.