Generally speaking, I can drink vast, huge, ridiculous amounts of alcohol without getting sick or hungover. This is not bragging, it just is one of those things. Consider what I drank for my birthday this year for example–wasn’t sick the next day, was up and at ’em quite bright and early in fact. Was chatting with someone today and the subject of drinking copious amounts came up…and I said I seldom get sick or anything like that…but that reminded me of hanging my head out Chiquita’s car window!!!
Travel back in time with me to that fateful night! You know what, Chiquita? It’s been more than TEN years! REALLY! Because I was getting my computer programming degree and Minime was just a speck, so like TEN WHOLE FREAKIN YEARS! Anyhoooooooo, so Chiquita and I were out and about doing what we do with the Ninja and Some Guy, and someone decides (probably me, I have been known to be a total dumbass) that we should be drinking Everclear and Tang. I believe the venue we were frequenting called that little number an OrangaTang.
Tang is probably super if you’re in outer space. I really don’t want to encourage anyone to mix their alcoholic drinks with it, even if they are orbiting our planet and are fresh out of sensible mixers.
Anyhoo, I drank this concoction in quantity quickly; my companions gave up on it (smart, smart people!). And then, here’s the part that made the world go blurry, we decide to all start swapping drinks. Drink, swap, drink, swap, the four of us sliding drinks around and around the table until they were all empty. That was a very, very bad idea on top of the Tang and Everclear.
But I distinctly recall being absolutely 100% fine…until I stood up and really there was no solid floor under my feet, I was walking an imaginary tightrope, all wobbly and out of my mind. Fast forward to the part where we need to leave because I’m convinced death is eminent. My stomach was agitating like a Maytag, my head was swirling.
You ever felt so sick to your stomach, whether from drinking or stomach flu or whatever, that you find yourself praying you’ll throw up soon? Because you know if you can get the evil out of your body, you will feel better. I was in that zone. I wanted the vile mix of I-don’t-even-know-what-everyone-else-was-drinking and Tang out of me and anywhere else. I got hot, so freakin’ hot, and swimmy. Chiquita was driving me home, and I was so hot I thought I was going to melt courtesy of the bubbling cauldron in my gut, so the only thing that made sense to do was hang my head out the car window most of the way home. It made sense at the time. I don’t think I barfed, but I remember that I wanted to very much, and the only thing holding me together was hanging my head out that car window like a dog…a drunk on Tang and who know’s what the hell else dog.
I’m older and wiser now, and I steer away from Tang at all costs these days. Because I stay away from the Tang, I don’t have to stick my head out of a moving vehicle anymore. So that’s the morale, maybe, I dunno: if you’re going to drink, don’t drink Tang unless you’re an astronaut. Which I am not. Amen.