Hey, I think it’s awesome that ya’ll are so hot for each other that you can’t resist making out right there in WalMart. I think it’s just terrific, good for you! Heck, I’m pretty sure there’s at least one man on earth who could reduce me to sucking face in a retail mecca, so I certainly understand and support you there!
In fact, in my twisted little mind, I like to think you planned ahead to swap spit right there in WalMart…”Jed, it would jazz up our marriage so much if you felt me up at WalMart.” “Sally Sue, I think you’re right! Let’s do that on Sunday when we pick up some antifreeze and some of those frozen cream puff things I like so much.”
But I have to assume that I was not part of your spice-up-your-love-life fantasy. I really can’t imagine that you hoped a grouchy gum-chewing thirty-something wearing the clothes she slept in would hover around your foreplay-fest. I doubt you thought about me standing there, saying “excuse me,” and tapping my foot. While it’s certainly reasonable for all of you to picture me in all your steamiest imaginings, I sincerely doubt you envision me in the sweatshirt I’ve been wearing for the last 18 hours, rubbing my itchy allergy eyes, cracking and popping my Big Red gum…of course, if that is how you like to fantasize about me, we need to get together soon!
Jed, Sally Sue, the problem with making out right there in the candy aisle at the super mega mondo WalMart is that your united pelvises and your cart are blocking the chocolate Twizzlers. I had a few things on my list today that could unfortunately only be found at WalMart, and chocolate Twizzlers were a priority item; I can’t find those at any of the grocery stores close to my house but I can count on WalMart when I need a fix. I truly hate shopping at WalMart, so for me to be there at all is a big damn deal. For ya’ll to block the Twizzlers is a travesty.
I did say “excuse me.” I did take a moment to review my shopping list. I tapped my foot and waited, even stopped and checked my email on my crackberry. I did say “excuse me” again…so there was no reason for ya’ll to look so damned irritated when I gave up and reached around your lovefest to get my chocolate Twizzlers. Sorry to pop your bubble of sex magic, but you just can’t block the chocolate Twizzlers, ok?
Next time ya’ll are gonna work yourselves into a frenzied fever of lovin’ at WalMart, please choose a less busy aisle. I’m gonna suggest that you check into the hunting section; it looked pretty free over by the deer urine and duck calls. You might also consider the artificial flower aisle; I cut through there earlier in my shopping and there was no one around. If you’re feeling extra frisky, why don’t you just park yourselves right there on the display futon and make yourselves at home for a bit before you go pick up the frozen cream puffs Jed likes so much?
Ya’ll feel free to get your freak on, more power to ya, but don’t stand in the way of me and my chocolate Twizzlers.