Tag: divorce

Shame on me!

Not 24 hours later, I ended up arguing with Mr. Kat 2.0 again and I blame myself 100%.  First, I shouldn’t have answered the phone at all when I saw the number on caller ID; I was at work, I was tired and frankly, I was still irritated at him from yesterday, so I shouldn’t have taken the call.  Second, I can’t believe I fell right into yet another dispute when I know better than to even engage in it in the first place.

Here’s a sample of the irrational conversation from today:

Me: It’s your dog.

Him: He was our dog.

Me: No, you had him before we were even dating, before you even knew me,  thus he’s your dog.  Take responsibility for him.  (I’m calm at this point, completely factual.  Logic is my friend!)

Him: Well, you kept the storage building.

Me: What? What the f-ing hell are you even talking about? (I’m a little irritated at the new topic, but I’m not mad.  I cuss all day long, this use of ‘f-ing hell’ was merely emphasizing that I have no idea what he’s talking about)

Him: You kept the storage building, and that should be mine.

Me:  What does that have to do with the dog? (I’m trying to find the logic here, even though I know there really is none to be found!)

Him:  I think I paid more for the storage building than you did.

Me: (this is the part where I should’ve stopped the conversation because see how he changed the subject from the dog to something else completely random out of thin air? where did this topic even come from? random topics in mid-discussion to distract me are so annoying, but I know this trick of his and should’ve just hung up)  No, you didn’t, I have the check to prove what I paid but I don’t care about the money.  If you want it, please take it, move the damn building already! (see, at this point, I’m officially pissed, because his whining about the storage building has gone on for 18 months, and every time, I’ve said come get it if you will shut up because I’d much much much rather have peace than any storage building…but there’s no sport in taking the building, is there? It’s only fun for him if he gets to randomly argue with me about it)

Him: Why are you always so mad at me?

Me: ARG! (the conversation that followed was infused with a ridiculous number of angry obscenities flying from my mouth before I hung up in disgust, so we’ll just sum it up with ARG!)

So.  Shame on me for getting mired in the most idiotic of disputes, shame on me for falling for the random change of topic to turn nothing at all into an argument, shame on me.  I will do better next time; I will let voicemail pick up…and if I must talk to him, then I will try to keep the conversation focused and calm, not letting him digress into other conversational hot buttons just to stir up a fight out of thin air.  Above all, I will be grateful that he’s the only person that I argue so nastily with on the whole planet and I will be grateful that we don’t live together anymore, ever again, hallelujah for that.

Arg.

I have this ongoing conflict with Mr. Kat 2.0 about his dog (his dog before we were ever married, not a pet we got together), and I guess I just have to suck it up and accept that this is my dog now.

One of the 9012 reasons Mr. Kat 2.0 and I are not together would be that he is not responsible for anything…even if it actually is his responsibility, he will play the victim and lay on the “oh, I guess it’s just one more reason for you to hate me, one more thing I can’t do right.”  Arg.  Whoever you are in my life whether you are friends, family, coworkers, soccer teammates, whatever: take responsibility for yourself, your choices and your actions and you earn my respect, even if I don’t agree with your choices—at least own them and own the fallout that comes with them.  Playing victim makes me wanna puke on you.

When Mr. Kat 2.0 and I parted ways, he moved in with a buddy of his and he couldn’t take his dog right away.  I was understanding of that situation, knowing he needed time to get some funds together and come up with a plan of action, so I kept the dog for him.  He did not pay for dog food or anything else for his pet during this time.  When Mr. Kat 2.0 finally moved into a place of his own after more than a year of being shacked up with his pal, I approached him about taking the dog.  He blew it off with oh not right now, haven’t even got my stuff unpacked, etc.  Ok, still I was understanding, gave him more time.  Asked him again, and again… Stopped asking, started telling him to come get his dog.  When it comes right down to me being ready to drop the dog off on his porch and drive away, I find out he’s living somewhere where he’s not even allowed to have a pet.  He chose to move somewhere that has a no pets policy.  Lovely, lovely fellow, that Mr. Kat 2.0, so responsible!

Called Mr. Kat 2.0 this evening and asked what he was going to do about his living arrangements and his dog.  He starts in on the “oh, well I’m not there anymore to take care of him, wish I was there to help” passive aggressive victim shit that makes me want to scream.  I point out that he deliberately selected a place to live where he couldn’t have his dog, so he should either move or find a family member to take his dog.  His reply is the usual “I guess I can never do anything right, you just find more reasons to hate me, I can never fix this” yadda yadda.  My reply (at a volume so loud that a phone probably wasn’t even necessary at this point) was something to the effect of if he wanted to do something right, he could take responsibility for something as small as his dog, take the full responsibility and burden of that one situation and if he did something like that, then maybe for one second I could stifle the urge to kick his testicles into his tonsils.  This was met with more helpless victim yammering, so I hung up on him.

Arg. Arg. Arg.  I am mad at myself, because I knew before I even picked up the phone that he wasn’t going to be an adult…if he were an adult, he would’ve already driven over here and picked up his dog months ago or at the very least, offered to pay for the dog’s food.  So mostly right this second, I’m frustrated with myself for thinking that someone who always behaves the same (the helpless victim when not busy being the badgering complaining fight picking bully) is going to behave any differently today.  What the hell was I thinking?

I guess I was thinking that I’m tired.  I’m tired.  I’ve wrangled kids, worked all afternoon and the frustration of that senile little old dog trying to bite me for the 745th time today when I’m just trying to put him on a leash for a walk to keep him from pissing in my house again pushed me right over the edge.  And being so damn tired to the bone, I just wanted some help with a problem that shouldn’t even be mine to manage in the first place, so I foolishly called Mr. Kat 2.0 looking for that help and here I am now, even more tired to the core than I was before I called him.  He’s not going to help.  Ever.  Doesn’t matter that the dog was his before we were married.  He left the dog, he won’t take the dog.  I have to accept that the dog is mine now because I won’t send it to the shelter, won’t give it away to some random stranger in the newspaper—–Mr. Kat 2.0 in this instance is certainly taking advantage of my kind heartedness toward animals, and that, too, makes me angry, that he knows I just can’t make the dog disappear, I can’t do that, he’s managing to still use and manipulate me and that pisses me off.  Arg.  Mr. Kat 2.0 is not going to step up and be a man, be a grown up, take responsibility because that’s not who he is.  I can’t expect people to be who they aren’t.

no, you’re wrong!

someone this evening told me that i don’t get along with the former mr. kat 2.0 because he’s my ex-husband and that no one gets along with their ex’s and yaddayadda.

you’re wrongwrongwrong on that count.  first, i can say that the former mr. kat 1.0 and i NEVER EVER fought like i disagree with 2.0, ever.  we never grated on each other’s nerves that way and we still don’t.   2.0 and i are like rival countries or hatfields & mccoys or a pack of dingos at a parakeet farm…and 1.0, while he certainly irked me enough that i divorced him for reasons i shan’t go into at this moment, never waged these battles with me, was not a freakin’ bully, did not find glee in upsetting me.

and furthermore! i am friends (or at least peaceable!) with most of my ex-boyfriends over the years, really.  i can remember why i was into them and put that in front of whatever disaster befell our relationship and just be friends, easy enough.  so it’s not that 2.0 is an ex and thus he’s unworthy of respect or whatever, noooooooo, because that’s not how i roll.  2.0 just knows how to irritate the snot out of me and considers it to be a recreational sport of some kind!  he wants a trophy in pissing me off.  he wants to medal in making me yell.

but! on the bright side, we don’t interact that much any more.  today was more interaction than we’ve had in a while and is a prime example of why i prefer email to in-person discussions with him.  it’s healthier if we just don’t talk right now…kinder, gentler, better that way.

I’m Mad! ARG!

So for those of you who just joined me in the Kat Box, let me bring you up to speed on my relationship with the former Mr. Kat 2.0… He and I do not get along.  We can not engage in the most basic of conversations without it escalating into an argument.  I recognized this gasoline-lit match sort of thing ages ago, and thus I try to keep our interactions brief.  I am generally not rude, I’m just to the point: no details on my personal life, just straight to the facts which are usually revolving around the once or twice a month he wants to hang out with Minime.

I’m glad he wants to do things with Minime every now and then, as that was the only father figure she had in her life for years and years.  Her biological dad, the former Mr. Kat 1.0, has recently pulled himself together and spends time with Minime now, but for years, it was just the now former Mr. Kat 2.0…so I’m cool with them spending time together; it’s a good thing.

But Mr. 2.0 is always trying to be up in my business.  On a recent evening, he called 3 times in 3 minutes, and I missed those calls; he didn’t leave a voicemail message.  He called the next day and asked why I didn’t answer the phone the night before.  I said I didn’t know, that maybe I was in the shower or outside with the dogs or on the treadmill or any number of options where I wouldn’t have my phone in hand, but when I noticed the missed calls, I then saw he didn’t leave a message so I wasn’t too worried about it.  He then asked again if I was in the shower or what.  I said I really didn’t know but felt I’d covered that there are times when I don’t have my phone; he should leave a message if he needs a call back.  That apparently still wasn’t sufficient information because he then wanted to know what I was “really” doing when he called.  Folks, I hope you understand why I lost my temper at that point…I can’t stand to be badgered over something stupid.

Anyway, that sort of round and round and round dialogue is one of the 70 million reasons we don’t get along very well, and it’s why I try to keep our exchanges brief.  I try not to react when I can see him angling for a fight, and somehow, my lack of reaction tends to upset him even more, so he pushes even harder to get me angry.  As is my way, I tend to completely retreat to avoid a conflict, and if he comes after me with still more badgering at that point, yeah, then I s-n-a-p and get pretty scary.  I don’t like it: I don’t like being that angry, and I don’t like being lured into it, tricked into it.

This afternoon, though, I fell right into it; I feel like such a sucker for being baited into an argument…but he started in on his usual prying, and I, as is the norm, stayed guarded…and of course, by not revealing all details of my life to him (this all started over me wearing a certain tshirt), that just encouraged him to keep going, keep nagging, keep prying, keep pushing, until I freakin’ snapped and started yelling at him (Minime, by the way, was in the house and didn’t hear this exchange, thank goodness) in the driveway in front of my neighbors.  As always, he then had to act like I’m mentally defective somehow because I’m suddenly angry, “why are you so angry all the time?”  BECAUSE YOU DELIBERATELY PUSH MY BUTTONS TO GET A REACTION AND WHEN I DON’T GIVE ONE, YOU PUSH AND PUSH UNTIL I FLIP OUT! DON’T BE SURPRISED WHEN I FLIP THE HELL OUT ON YOU BECAUSE IT’S WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO! I KNOW THIS GAME!!!!!!!! ARG!!!

I ended up leaving the area for a few minutes to collect myself while he kept trying to call my cell phone over and over in that childish way.  I just wanted to regain my cool and move on, but with him, there’s no moving on until he’s done. He wasn’t done, and in fact, he probably still isn’t done, but I’ve turned off the ringer on my phone at this point.   I can’t live that way, I can’t live in anger and stress and strife and grudge-holding and gameplaying every day, so we are divorced.

Egads, I’m just as mad at myself for falling into it as I am at him for being a pain in the ass.  I’m not perfect, I recognize my fault in all that has transpired today.  I know better than to get sucked into that kind of fight and I shouldn’t have let it happen.