So for those of you who just joined me in the Kat Box, let me bring you up to speed on my relationship with the former Mr. Kat 2.0… He and I do not get along. We can not engage in the most basic of conversations without it escalating into an argument. I recognized this gasoline-lit match sort of thing ages ago, and thus I try to keep our interactions brief. I am generally not rude, I’m just to the point: no details on my personal life, just straight to the facts which are usually revolving around the once or twice a month he wants to hang out with Minime.
I’m glad he wants to do things with Minime every now and then, as that was the only father figure she had in her life for years and years. Her biological dad, the former Mr. Kat 1.0, has recently pulled himself together and spends time with Minime now, but for years, it was just the now former Mr. Kat 2.0…so I’m cool with them spending time together; it’s a good thing.
But Mr. 2.0 is always trying to be up in my business. On a recent evening, he called 3 times in 3 minutes, and I missed those calls; he didn’t leave a voicemail message. He called the next day and asked why I didn’t answer the phone the night before. I said I didn’t know, that maybe I was in the shower or outside with the dogs or on the treadmill or any number of options where I wouldn’t have my phone in hand, but when I noticed the missed calls, I then saw he didn’t leave a message so I wasn’t too worried about it. He then asked again if I was in the shower or what. I said I really didn’t know but felt I’d covered that there are times when I don’t have my phone; he should leave a message if he needs a call back. That apparently still wasn’t sufficient information because he then wanted to know what I was “really” doing when he called. Folks, I hope you understand why I lost my temper at that point…I can’t stand to be badgered over something stupid.
Anyway, that sort of round and round and round dialogue is one of the 70 million reasons we don’t get along very well, and it’s why I try to keep our exchanges brief. I try not to react when I can see him angling for a fight, and somehow, my lack of reaction tends to upset him even more, so he pushes even harder to get me angry. As is my way, I tend to completely retreat to avoid a conflict, and if he comes after me with still more badgering at that point, yeah, then I s-n-a-p and get pretty scary. I don’t like it: I don’t like being that angry, and I don’t like being lured into it, tricked into it.
This afternoon, though, I fell right into it; I feel like such a sucker for being baited into an argument…but he started in on his usual prying, and I, as is the norm, stayed guarded…and of course, by not revealing all details of my life to him (this all started over me wearing a certain tshirt), that just encouraged him to keep going, keep nagging, keep prying, keep pushing, until I freakin’ snapped and started yelling at him (Minime, by the way, was in the house and didn’t hear this exchange, thank goodness) in the driveway in front of my neighbors. As always, he then had to act like I’m mentally defective somehow because I’m suddenly angry, “why are you so angry all the time?” BECAUSE YOU DELIBERATELY PUSH MY BUTTONS TO GET A REACTION AND WHEN I DON’T GIVE ONE, YOU PUSH AND PUSH UNTIL I FLIP OUT! DON’T BE SURPRISED WHEN I FLIP THE HELL OUT ON YOU BECAUSE IT’S WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO! I KNOW THIS GAME!!!!!!!! ARG!!!
I ended up leaving the area for a few minutes to collect myself while he kept trying to call my cell phone over and over in that childish way. I just wanted to regain my cool and move on, but with him, there’s no moving on until he’s done. He wasn’t done, and in fact, he probably still isn’t done, but I’ve turned off the ringer on my phone at this point. I can’t live that way, I can’t live in anger and stress and strife and grudge-holding and gameplaying every day, so we are divorced.
Egads, I’m just as mad at myself for falling into it as I am at him for being a pain in the ass. I’m not perfect, I recognize my fault in all that has transpired today. I know better than to get sucked into that kind of fight and I shouldn’t have let it happen.