Sigh.

So the Kat Box has been a source of refuge for years now for me, a place to go and hide and vent and wail and cry when I can’t go anywhere else, when I’m afraid to go anywhere else.

And so it is again today.

I am a tired Kat, tired of giving only to be smacked by so many issues, so many boundaries.  I am a forgiving person, accepting of so much.  And those who know me best would say I am a kind person, I think, beyond the prickly facade.  I think I’m often taken advantage of because I want to see the best in people, I want to help them be their best, and when they’ve grown enough, taken enough, made some realizations, they just walk away. 

But I suppose I’m as much to blame as anyone because I give of my time, my energy, so freely these days.  When Chris died earlier this year, it was such a blow, such a reality check, a resounding “what am I waiting for?” I stopped minding my words and editing my emotions so much, and I’ve tried to live with honesty and integrity and passion and enthusiasm.  And generally, that’s good, that’s really really good.  There’s a lot to experience when you try to live fully, and I’m trying.

And then there are days like today, where I’ve made a special effort to really reach out, an effort that humbled me and really made my stomach turn because it was so beyond my norm, but I did it.  The proverbial door that was slammed in my face surprised the hell out of me.  It didn’t just hurt my feelings, it hurt somewhere deeper, a queasy, keening ache that tears don’t even touch.  I didn’t see it coming…to use the door metaphor a little more, I thought the door might only open part way, inquisitively, just a smidgen, but I never imagined it to be closed and locked, throw away the key.

So. Ouch.  I hurt from my brain to my toes like I’ve been kicked, I’m so very tired.  But at the end of the day, I can say I tried.  I did my best today, I tried.  I was honest, I was human, I tried.