Hanging My Head Out the Car Window

Generally speaking, I can drink vast, huge, ridiculous amounts of alcohol without getting sick or hungover.  This is not bragging, it just is one of those things.  Consider what I drank for my birthday this year for example–wasn’t sick the next day, was up and at ’em quite bright and early in fact.  Was chatting with someone today and the subject of drinking copious amounts came up…and I said I seldom get sick or anything like that…but that reminded me of hanging my head out Chiquita’s car window!!!

Travel back in time with me to that fateful night!  You know what, Chiquita?  It’s been more than TEN years!  REALLY! Because I was getting my computer programming degree and Minime was just a speck, so like TEN WHOLE FREAKIN YEARS!  Anyhoooooooo, so Chiquita and I were out and about doing what we do with the Ninja and Some Guy, and someone decides (probably me, I have been known to be a total dumbass) that we should be drinking Everclear and Tang.  I believe the venue we were frequenting called that little number an OrangaTang. 

Tang is probably super if you’re in outer space.  I really don’t want to encourage anyone to mix their alcoholic drinks with it, even if they are orbiting our planet and are fresh out of sensible mixers.

Anyhoo, I drank this concoction in quantity quickly; my companions gave up on it (smart, smart people!).  And then, here’s the part that made the world go blurry, we decide to all start swapping drinks.  Drink, swap, drink, swap, the four of us sliding drinks around and around the table until they were all empty.  That was a very, very bad idea on top of the Tang and Everclear.

But I distinctly recall being absolutely 100% fine…until I stood up and really there was no solid floor under my feet, I was walking an imaginary tightrope, all wobbly and out of my mind.  Fast forward to the part where we need to leave because I’m convinced death is eminent.  My stomach was agitating like a Maytag, my head was swirling.

You ever felt so sick to your stomach, whether from drinking or stomach flu or whatever, that you find yourself praying you’ll throw up soon?  Because you know if you can get the evil out of your body, you will feel better.  I was in that zone.  I wanted the vile mix of I-don’t-even-know-what-everyone-else-was-drinking and Tang out of me and anywhere else.  I got hot, so freakin’ hot, and swimmy.  Chiquita was driving me home, and I was so hot I thought I was going to melt courtesy of the bubbling cauldron in my gut, so the only thing that made sense to do was hang my head out the car window most of the way home.  It made sense at the time.  I don’t think I barfed, but I remember that I wanted to very much, and the only thing holding me together was hanging my head out that car window like a dog…a drunk on Tang and who know’s what the hell else dog.

I’m older and wiser now, and I steer away from Tang at all costs these days.  Because I stay away from the Tang, I don’t have to stick my head out of a moving vehicle anymore.  So that’s the morale, maybe, I dunno: if you’re going to drink, don’t drink Tang unless you’re an astronaut.  Which I am not.  Amen.

I Voted!

Vote Democrat, vote Republican, just get the hell out there and cast your ballot!  No whining about the state of the world unless you actually make the effort to make a change.

I stopped at a church in West Ashevegas that was offering early voting, and even at 5:30 PM, I had no wait at all.  Minime cast a Kid’s Vote ballot and get her “I Voted” sticker—she wants to wear it to school tomorrow.

GO VOTE!

cracked me up this morning…

Over the years, I’ve trained my vendors to bow when I enter a room and treat me with the adoration and respect due a queen…this morning, I received a business email from one of my vendors that opens with:

my goodness!  aren’t you awesome this morning!  you look awesome!  you smell awesome!  you sound awesome!

And it was truly a business email, as my vendor moved right along to the business at hand after the opening line.  That’s what it takes to work with me: blatant butt kissing.  It cracked me up this morning, and I have been in need of a laugh for days!

I hate his accent

I’m studying.  I have to go through an online video for this class.  The narrator’s accent is making me nuts.  Instead of Java, he says “Javerrrrrrrrrrrrr.”  Instead of Boolean, he says “BooLynn.”  Instead of HTML, he says “HeychTML.”  I have to keep stopping the video to think about what he said to make sure I understood all the words.  No big deal though, right?  Only 7 more hours of his accent to go…

did you catch it?

i got all choked up, did you notice?  it was horrible, a sudden out of nowhere wave of sadness, even i didn’t see it coming…you said something all too familiar that i hear all the time and then, ack, it knocked the wind out of me on this one occasion.  i tried to cover it up, though, so you wouldn’t catch it…but once we weren’t talking anymore, i admit it took me almost an hour to pull my shit together.  geez.

Anaconda

If you haven’t viewed the 1997 cinematic masterpiece Anaconda, or perhaps it’s been many years, I encourage you to stop what you’re doing and go to your nearest Blockbuster to rent it.  With a cast that includes Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, Owen Wilson and Kari Wuhrer (remember her from the MTV game show Remote Control?), you can’t go wrong!

The idea is that a group of scientists is going to film a documentary about some lost tribe, so they are traveling by boat on the Amazon River, which apparently is home to a ginormous anaconda (or perhaps a family of giant anacondi so there can be sequels, hmmm?).  They pick up bad guy Jon Voight along the river (who knew there were hitchhikers on the Amazon?) and then there’s all sorts of mayhem.  Not to ruin it for you, but you can pretty much assume that where there’s a giant anaconda involved, most of the cast is going to get eaten by said snake.  In real life, when an anaconda eats, they often won’t feed for weeks or even months because their digestion is so slow; in the movies, the anaconda will eat every ten minutes or so in effort to pick off the entire cast, one snack at a time!

My favorite line in the movie is one word, “Bitch!” delivered by Ice Cube when the anaconda just won’t die…I believe it was even on fire and screaming (who knew snakes could scream!) at that point when it was still trying to eat him and J Lo.  This is profound stuff.  Get ye unto Blockbuster now, and let me know how Anaconda has changed your life.