i’m still walking through the fires of a personal hell…if it sounds dramatic, it’s because it is for me. after being hurt in several relationships as an adult, it has gotten harder and harder to open my heart and trust a partner. this last time i did, i was so sure it would finally be for keeps and i made myself uncharacteristically vulnerable…and now, i’m just shattered. i am ashamed, lonely, feeling like a loser and an absolute fool. i didn’t commit to something huge and life-altering with the intent of being ripped to shreds, but yet here i am in tatters.
i am trying to pick myself up. i just wanted to be loved by a steadfast companion, that’s all i’ve ever really wanted from a partner, to love and be loved. i started this blog in my twenties in very much the same spot as i am now, so lonely and afraid to be hurt again, but now i’m nearly 40.
i want to be surprised in a happy way by life. i want to be pleasantly surprised. the surprises that hurt have grown old in their abundance and frequency. i want flowers and consistent love and someone to tell me good morning and good night…doesn’t seem like much to aspire to, but it has remained out of reach for so long that it’s hard to still believe in that dream ever coming true.