My Captain Jack Sparrow balloon has started to deflate so I guess it’s time to stop celebrating my birthday. It’s been nice having Johnny Depp floating in the corner of my living room for the last two months, but I guess it’s time to move on…
…to what I want for Christmas! I know that some of you wait with eager anticipation each and every year for my list, so I’m ready to spring it on you so you can cater to my every whim.
First and foremost, there should always be good chocolate. If you have to ask where good chocolate comes from, you are not worthy of even giving me a gift–just relinquish your entire wallet unto me, as you are too stupid to operate it. Good chocolate in Asheville, NC, comes from The Chocolate Fetish, and that is the one and only place you should go for chocolates if you are in the Ashevegas area. I want Ancient Pleasures (dark chocolate with cayenne) and I want Velvet Sin (dark chocolate inside and out). If you aren’t in Asheville, they will ship, so you have no excuses for not giving me what I want.
Next, bubble bath. I will eat my truffles in my bubble bath and I’m sharing neither the truffles nor the bath. A good bubble bath is a difficult thing to master. I want bubbles that last with a fragrance that doesn’t overwhelm me. Jasmine Vanilla is a nice blend, let’s do that.
Now that I’ve been subdued with my bubble bath and exquisite truffles, I want books. Ooooo lots and lots of books. I read in the bathtub. As a parent, the bathtub is one of the only places in the house I can hide, so if I’ve got a great book, we are bringing my bubble bath experience to new highs. Don’t try to pick out a book for me, just gift card me. You’ll undoubtedly pick out something pretentious and foreign to make yourself seem cool and knowledgeable, so don’t even bother; I’ll select my own books and thank you kindly for the gift card.
Eventually, I’ll have to leave the tub. To keep your beloved Kat subdued and happy, let’s lavish me with wine. Nothing expensive, really. I prefer Yellow Tail Shiraz and Yellow Tail Merlot, both readily available at many a grocer’s. And bendy straws. You’re already at the grocery store, get me some bendy straws.
I think now you should drive my drunk ass to a spa so I can get a massage. Don’t be cheap, I want 90 minutes of attention there. The best massage I ever had was given by a male massage therapist. It wasn’t just that he was a man that made the massage super yummy (although it doesn’t hurt to be rubbed into a pile of submissive dough by a man in a dimly lit room with a warm scented oil all over my back), it was the fact that he was so tall he could really, really work on some of my tense spots from above, rather than reaching across, niiiiiiiiiice.
Now, make me a nice dinner and go away. That’s all I want for Christmas this year.
And what will you get out of all this? A kinder, gentler Kat, at least while the wine and chocolate supply lasts.
Lest you think I’m shallow and greedy, please make a donation to one of my favorite charities (Manna Food Bank or Buncombe County Foster Care Association) before you shop for me. And then, once that’s done, please feel free to inundate me with the love offerings I so richly deserve.