A few belated thoughts on that apology I received.
While I appreciated it, I didn’t say I accepted it. That’s important. After reading the message again, it occurs to me that I am on a long list of people who are due apologies, and this person is just working down the list.
“Send email to dedicated partner of many years that I abandoned, say sorry.” Check mark!
Nope. You can make a check mark that the message was sent, but don’t go marking me off as a satisfied customer.
Sorry doesn’t fix a damn thing at this point, especially when not once did this person ask how I was doing, was I okay? None of the How are you? How’s your kiddo? How’s your dog? How’s your job? Nothing to ask about my well-being…and ya know, I suppose that’s the rub. In the midst of all the stuff when it was happening, there was no How are you? How can I help? It was all about what this person was feeling or trying not to feel or whatever, and I was just supposed to soldier on, all super-glued together at the seams, nodding and smiling like all was right in the world, keeping the household running along like everything was normal.
Pffffffft.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ll get around to accepting the apology for my own good, for my own peace of mind, but not just yet. There was no How was your 40th birthday? Did you have a Halloween party? Nothing to indicate really that this was anything other than an item on a list. Nothing that noted I was a person with feelings and heart that gave a whole lot of myself to a situation that left me empty-handed and that my well-being mattered to anyone.
I am not an item on a list. I am a person that was fiercely loyal and loving and stood firm in the face of destruction, trying to hold it all together, and I waited for this person to realize they were fucking up everything and waited for them to try to fix it…and they didn’t. Wrecking someone’s life can’t be mended with an email. Back in the day, it could’ve been fixed simply by showing up, saying sorry, holding out a hand and staying put; that’s all it would’ve taken, so simple, so easy. Months later, an email doesn’t fix it.
Don’t check me off your list, man. For everyone else on your list, at least have the courage to show up in person and hear them out, instead of continuing to exert your control over those situations by sending an email, continuing to keep anyone else’s feelings and thoughts away from you. Feelings can be gross and yucky and uncomfortable, and if you wronged them, you owe them the opportunity to tell you in person how it impacted their lives. Sound uncomfortable and horrible? It should be. Toying with the lives and dreams of others is nothing to take lightly, and the casualties of your emotional war deserve to be heard so they can heal.