Category: work

a blur

I’ve worked how many days in a row now? I’m really not sure.  Too many.  Need uninterrupted day off…days off.  It all blurs together and I start saying things like “was that yesterday or last week or did I dream that?”  I’ve managed to squish some fun stuff in around work, but everyone deserves a full day off to recoup here and there. Tired.

today was a terrible day

i had every hope that today would be awesome. i had coffee in bed with the dogs this morning.  i meditated.  i listened to not one but two sets of positive affirmations.  i even looked kinda cute-ish.

and then my day unfolded.

my spirits weren’t just dashed: they were crushed.

my feelings were hurt to the point of weeping humiliation by a cruel insult.  the friend that was supposed to drop by later didn’t and i really needed the hug, the support.  a word i was praying for never came either, so i finally took my crying self home early.

i climbed back into bed even though it was mid-afternoon.  i cried with my dogs.  i cried with my senile cat.

i was even naive enough to hope the day might improve.  it didn’t. six hours later, i’m still boohooing in bed.  eyes swollen.  head hurts.  faith in the world around me lost for the moment.

some days just fucking suck.

 

good stuff: cheers!

at work today, i was so overwhelmed i thought i was going to scream…and then i glanced at my personal email and boom! daychanger. mood shift.  major website will accept my guest post!! yesssss!

scampered out to grab a salad and splurge on a pumpkin spice latte.   back in my office, i raised a toast to myself for the tenacity to keep writing even on days when no one’s reading: cheers!

dinner ready in the slow cooker–it was mediocre, but it was ready, so hallelujah for instant food.

good company.  smiles. a lot of laughter and a lot of good conversation.  this day was better than expected.  i raise my hard cider in salute to an honest (and kinda crappy) day’s work that still managed to be filled with good stuff.

On Call for Over a Decade

I am typing this before 8 AM on Memorial Day while I wait for my breakfast to heat up.  I’m at work.  I have been here since about 6 AM.  The “why” isn’t important, but what is important is that I have been on call for over a decade and I am NOT a brain surgeon or someone else that is tasked with saving the human life.

I am grateful to have a paycheck in a time where it seems jobs are dwindling away, disappearing, vacant positions no longer being filled.  I am grateful for being able to pay my mortgage so I have a home…

but I am not grateful that my kiddo is getting herself ready to go to school with only a text message of “good morning” from me.  I was supposed to be off work; I was going to make bacon and eggs for her and all the things I don’t normally have time to do.  I had a plan for how I was going to spend my morning, my day.

It’s just not right.  It’s not fair.  Yeah, yeah: life isn’t fair, I know.  But when have I done my time so that I don’t have to hustle like this anymore? When have I put in enough effort that I don’t get called on holidays, weekends, sick days, vacation days?

still working on my other site…

hard to find time, but trying to poke at the new site with a stick here and there.  and this site could use some tlc— and i mean improving, not tlc the girl group.

mad props to blue dozen design for patiently answering my wordpress questions while i promptly reply back that nevermind, i figured it out.  it’s like wordpress therapy, minus beanbag chairs.  blue dozen design, ya’ll for all your smart snazzy design needs…blue dozen design, got it?

Steps In a New Direction

Even small steps are progress.  I have every intention of building a coaching, speaking and writing business on the side so that I can someday leave the corporate environment, an environment that just is not a fit for me, never was.  I am not cut out for the back stabbing and stepping on people to get what I want, not my thing.  When I tell people about this goal of mine to leave the “normal” work world and blaze my own trail, I have received a lot of eye rolls and snarky comments.

Rather than focus on what sucks, I’m going to focus on the good that I can create.  Haters are gonna hate, and those that are jealous or otherwise not supportive don’t have a vote anyway, so they can say whatever, doesn’t matter.  I know I can make a difference for some people.  I know I can show them ways around, over and through obstacles…and I can show them that some of the obstacles were never really holding them back at all.  I am good with goal setting, time management and encouragement.  I can do this new thing!

My first step in a new direction was to buy a domain name.  I agonized for days over names, asked for a million opinions.  I mean, yeah, you can always change your domain name someday and rebrand yourself, but I wanted to pick a good one that made me smile from the start.  And I have one.  I bought it yesterday.  I’m not saying what it is yet…because next I have to pick a website host and build the first bones of a website.  As soon as I have a little something up, I’ll share.  Picking a name was a baby step in the right direction, a tiny step on a new path, but small as it is, I’m still excited.

falling to pieces

I have been disillusioned.  I cried in traffic, wiping tears with my sleeves.  I was betrayed.  I was interrupted and shut down.  I was disappointed.  I was falling to pieces…

…All this in the span of a few hours in my workday this morning.

I am not cut out for a world of business where we say whatever it takes to seal a deal, but we don’t mean any of it.  I am not a person who views my coworkers as disposable, expendable.  Lies.  Bait and switch.  Bullshit knee deep by 9 AM.  Fake smiles over coffee.  This kind of business world is not okay by me; this is not who I am.

I don’t know if people are born able to spew lies to reach their goals or if they learn to lie on the way up the ladder in the world of work.  I don’t want to learn to lie and smile.  I want to be authentic.  I want to be human, be real, even at work.

Your Boss Has a Boss, Too

In staff review after review for years, I have given patient feedback, usually the same feedback: do this, or do that to get a better “score” next go ’round.  The feedback gets harder, more strict, when the “do this and that” get ignored, because I have a boss, too.  My reviews get reviewed.  Think it through wherever you work: your boss probably has a boss or even multiple bosses.  Policies, procedures, expectations, measurements, all up and down the line.

It’s not particularly cool to throw me under the bus for the feedback you received just because you didn’t like it.  I am obligated to give it. It’s my job.  If you goofed up something, need to improve something, it’s part of my role to note it, observe it.  It’s my job.  Blaming me is hurtful, because the word gets back to me every time.  Writing down words on a review form to meet our company’s standard for feedback doesn’t mean I think you’re a crappy person: it’s just part of the process, part of the office circle of life. I am not “allowed” to say every single thing is awesome; I am obligated to find areas to improve and write them down on this form or that form or the new version of the new form for the new strategy in the new year…ya dig?

Being a boss or a supervisor or a leader or whatever you want to call it sucks.   People shut you out, leave you out of fun things, treat you like the enemy.  It’s lonely, truly. You seldom have lunch buddies in the office, and conversations stop when you walk into a room.  People you barely know roll their eyes when you walk past.  I have a boss, folks, and my boss has a boss, too.  These policies and procedures are just the boundaries of our worklife, and not anything I invented to hurt anyone’s feelings.  Cut me some slack; I didn’t come up with this game or the rules.  I just want to get out of it all with as few scars as possible, same as you.