Archive | deep stuff

Coffee Nirvana

I had this pumpkin spice coffee lurking around my cabinets.
I had this salted caramel creamer lurking around the fridge.
There’s a lot of lurking happening in my kitchen on any given day.
I put the two together.
I think about all the years I’ve wasted not putting these two together, all the empty space where I was just drinking plain ol’ coffee.
But now I know, and I can’t un-know, the amazingness.
This is, perhaps, a bigger revelation than dumping the Bailey’s Chocolate Cherry in my iced coffee last week.
You’re welcome.


Good things

It’s not all as craptacular and heavy as it feels. There’s good stuff happening that I need to notice.
1. I had a crazy great phone call that almost sounded like they were trying to create a job just for me. That was awesome. Let’s see how that shapes up.
2. I had a good class last night. Candles, crystals, and chucking the new year’s resolutions idea right out the window.
3. That kiddo of mine is making me so proud with her progress. She’s a motivated, driven, smart young woman, and she is kicking ass.
4. I’ve had a nice little back and forth chat with someone from elementary school days. Connection and catching up always feels good to me for I am the cruise director on this mofo. Even die-hard introverts like me crave connection.
5. I woke up early and got more shizz done by 7:30 AM than most will do all day. Documents completed and sent, meditation, updates done to my website, laundry, dishes, snuggles with a pup, and even an early morning meeting.



I think I’m still in denial over how recent events have panned out. I’ve checked my email, my snail mail, my text messages, my blog comments, my old email account, and everywhere else that I can think to check for a new answer. I want to shake the Magic 8 Ball until I see an answer I like.

Tomorrow, I’ll check all those portals of rejection one more time…and then maybe the day after, I can spackle the bits of my soul back together one more time and face the world.



I’ve been struggling a little to stay grounded, focused.

I need connection, real connection. I don’t need the artifice of a guided group meditation: I need someone to talk to late at night when we’ve dropped our guard. I don’t need the mass consumerism that is the mayhem of this time of year: I need someone to talk to over morning coffee sometimes…”what would you do if you didn’t have to work” conversations, where would you go, what do you dream of doing differently if you could reinvent your life, “can we just stay in bed all day” conversations.

I don’t believe we need other people to complete us. We are whole, or at least we should be whole, all on our own. After doing all the work to get whole and glue all my mental and emotional bits and pieces back together, I want the other stuff. I want private jokes and someone who gets me…and I want a lot of it. I don’t want to be anybody’s (stealing a Stevie Wonder song here) part time lover anymore. I used to be okay with the part time thing because I had other things going on that needed my attention, but I’m not feeling okay with it anymore.

It’s okay to want connection. It’s okay for me not to settle for less. I want the whole shebang.


What if I don’t get it?

I’ll be okay because I’ve toughed it out through much worse, but I still want it. I’ll be fine because I am strong and I’ve done the work on myself…hell, I’m still doing the work on myself; forgiveness meditations are my jam. I’ll be whole, and I’ll be just fine, but it’s absolutely okay to want the icing to go on my cake. I want the icing!


wellllll, that didn’t go well

Took a big ol’ huge monumental epic risk, oh yes, I did.  Didn’t pan out.


Ouchhhhhhhhh. Fell flat on my face, flat on my ass. Came up empty handed.

2016 has been the year of the bruised and beaten ego, that is for damn sure. Personally and professionally, it’s been a non-stop action-packed kick in the teeth. Life is not boring, that’s for damn sure, but I could use a big win soon.

So here’s a song that every time I listen, it reminds me of traipsing through the streets of New Orleans, and that’s just divine:

If you’re a person of prayer or blessing or lighting a candle or some incense, do that for me. I could use a little strength in numbers right now.


TGIF, yo

I am having a tiny breakdown on a Friday, just a momentary hitch in my giddyup, so here are some positive truths to lay on ya as I work to get my head right again:

  1. I don’t EVER regret showing someone love and kindness.  Their dumbassery is a reflection on them, not me.  I give the love and kindness at every chance I get.
  2. Iced coffee, splash of milk of your choice, and then Bailey’s chocolate cherry.  You’re welcome.
  3. I am incredibly forgiving.  (If I won’t forgive you, it’s not about me.  It’s about you, really.)
  4. See number 2.
  5. Looking for work is emotionally draining but the only way to get a different outcome is to try something different.  Yep.  So I am…and all the “no thank you”s I’m getting are surely leading the way to the right option…right?! RIGHT?! Yeah.  I need a pep talk today.
  6. See number 2.

Happy Friday.  May your weekend be full of rest, relaxation, laughter, and love…and see item number two on that list.


I should be asleep

But instead I’m doing that thing where I obsess over song lyrics.

“All is lost again
But I’m not giving in
I will not bow
I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall
I will not fade
I will take your breath away”

That’s some Breaking Benjamin.

It’s a new moon and a good time to reset my focus. I’m taking risks, and y’know, being a damn idiot…but carpe diem.

If I don’t get what I want, it will never, ever be for lack of trying. I will say the words, try a different route, rip it apart to rebuild anew…but I will try. I will not collect dust…I will take your breath away.


hmmm, i might regret that later…

I thought and thought and thought about putting something “out there” and being really open about something…and in typical Kat fashion, I put it out there.  It’s out there.  Shit.  Can’t take it back.

Being vulnerable and being open sometimes makes me panic.  I think it’s incredibly important to be real and be honest, but it still scares me to bravely put my thoughts and feelings out for a situation when I’m not sure how it will be received.

What I put out there won’t be “revealed” to this other party for a few days, so I have several days to pace and sweat and fret…I guess the fretting comes in when I think I might feel hurt or embarrassed by how it is received.  I don’t like getting my feelings hurt, but with that said, I also don’t want to be afraid to speak up.  I needed to speak up.  Something was bothering me, nagging at me, waking me up at night sometimes…so I needed to speak up.

Be brave.  Speak your truth.  It’s better to know the answers than to live in doubt.  Yeah, it’s scary to take these risks, but to me, it’s so much scarier to have not spoken up for myself.  Root for me, cheer for me…and catch me when I fall.


Thanksgiving 2016

I was thinking this morning that a year ago, I couldn’t have guessed how different my life would be today.

For my own well-being, I’ve had to cut some important people and things loose in 2016, some for a little while and some for good.  Frankly, that sucked pretty damn hard, but it was necessary so that I had the energy and attention to turn toward the positive things.

I’ve been to a few more funerals than I would’ve liked over the last year.  The desired number of funerals I’d like to attend is zero per year, but that’s not realistic.  That was hard, too, but each was a reminder to live fully.

Every year, I like to think I get closer to living a life that is true to who I am.  I live how I want.  I love how I want.  I don’t give a fuck if you like what I’m wearing or like who I love…ain’t nobody got time for that.  It’s my party, after all, and I am the belle of my ball, y’all.  Be the belle of your own ball as well; it’s pretty great.

I’m thankful for my family and my friends.  I’m grateful for my fur kids, too, who cheer me up on the hardest days and remind me  to get excited about even the tiniest moments.  With the crap that’s fallen apart around me all year long, I have big gratitude for the basics like hot water and hvac, and I appreciate the luxury of having a working dryer and dishwasher.  I’m grateful to have a bed after spending some nights on the floor.  I’m thankful for quiet time spent alone to think and recharge as well as happy time spent with others.

Thinking back over the last year, I’ve been to some great concerts, from dancing my ass off to Duran Duran to being in awe of Ghost’s macabre show.  I’ve made a lot of jewelry that I’m proud of; it’s gotten better with practice.  I’ve written some good stuff and some crappy stuff, too; not every writing session yields gold, but to find the treasure, ya gotta dig.  I’ve seen the kiddo graduate high school early…and looks like she’ll be graduating cosmetology school early, too.  I’ve traveled for work, and I’ve traveled a little for fun, too.  I’ve gotten to see some long lost faces over the last year.  There’s been a lot of sushi and a lot of sake.  I’ve danced to “Cry Little Sister” while dressed as a rogue cowboy, and I’ve played classic video games while laughing about how much I suck since I’m out of practice.  I’ve given some great hugs, and I’ve received some great hugs.

Today there will be turkey and pie and family.  I made breakfast in the pre-dawn darkness for the kiddo working retail on Thanksgiving morning (a travesty that the store is open on Thanksgiving!).  I’ve taken the dogs for a walk, and we gave out dog biscuits to the neighbor dogs on our route.  I’ve sent some texts out to the people I love…I hope they know that text message is love, because that is my intention.  My intention is to give more of my attention to the good stuff, to the good people.  I am thankful for the opportunity to share my words and my love with you.


Shut Up!

I’ve tried to be introspective and quiet and avoid conflict, but for fuck’s sake, SHUT UP! If you are going to gossip about me all around town, it will get back to me, and it did.

Do you feel somehow in the right by talking about me? We’re in this rift because you couldn’t mind your own business. I shared with you, and rather than protect the information shared like the fragile thing it was, you ran to the other side of the issue the very next day…which was the wrong thing to do.

I walked away, thinking that would be a good temporary resolution until I could get a clear perspective and have a calm discussion. No fanfare, no naming of names, I just walked away. No smack talking, no name calling, I just walked away to think.

I’m still not smack talking or name calling or even telling the world your name, as tempting as it might be when I’m so dismayed and frustrated in this moment. You’ve been talking about me BY NAME around town, and it made its way back to me. You’ve been super specific, sharing my business with people who shouldn’t know it at all.

So, hear this: I am a good person, and I have done no willful harm. I shared with you when I didn’t have to (I did NOT have to, really, and maybe I shouldn’t have), but I thought it was the right and proper thing to do…and you scampered right on over to the other side with that info the very next day.

I didn’t choose between you and someone else: I chose not to be gossip fodder…ha ha, the big joke’s on me, I guess, because rather than shut it down, you’re talking about me to whoever will listen now like I did something scandalous and obscene.

I naively believed that walking away to spend some time thinking would shut down the gossip train, but it only fueled it. I’m disappointed. I’m naive, thinking that if I extended respectful silence while I was reflecting, I would get respectful silence in return.

For anyone who reads this and can’t follow along: good. I’m not naming names. I’ll only disclose my disappointment, but no names, no details. This feeling of disappointment is mine to broadcast, and the details are nobody else’s business.